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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says he doesn't want to parent

216 replies

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 09:32

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 18/01/2026 15:33

I think you need to accept the fact that this man doesn’t want to be a parent. He went along with being a parent when there were zero expectations of him parenting and now the roles have reversed, he’s rebelling. What made you think that this man would be a good parent? There’s nothing about his view on life that suggests that he would be. His autism isn’t an excuse but probably goes a long way to explain why he is now struggling.

No one benefits, especially your children, from this man being responsible for your children. Hire help and mourn the family life you thought you were building with this man. He’s a decorative parent, the one you wheel out for family photos but anything practical and he’s off.

This man is clearly telling you that he doesn’t want to parent, for you and your children’s sake, listen.

madaboutpurple · 18/01/2026 15:38

He needs to sort out his priorities by being a good Dad to his children, providing for his family, finding work immediately. Tell him that at the moment he is failing badly according to hundreds of us on mums net. He is a burden at the moment ,he needs to up his game and quickly. At the moment his effort is very poor. Tell he has 4 weeks to deal with outstanding issues otherwise he will be prat of the year 2026.

WildLeader · 18/01/2026 15:38

First post nails it.
tell him to man the fuck up or he’ll be looking after them SOLO 50/50

i loathe men like this. Utter pricks.

taxguru · 18/01/2026 15:40

Very easy answer. Just tell him you don't want to be his wife anymore and start divorce proceedings!

trustedadult · 18/01/2026 15:44

Tell him you don't find this attitude attractive

JenniferBooth · 18/01/2026 15:47

intrepidpanda · 18/01/2026 15:00

That would be me. So guess what. I didn't have them

Show quote history

same here its why im child free by choice

EquinoxQueen · 18/01/2026 15:48

There is a lot about him, what he wants, what he has done or hasn’t. Very little about you and your wants. Yes hire a nanny but that won’t resolve the situation. Deffo don’t have a third with him at this point and get yourself some therapy because your wellbeing is equally important

soupyspoon · 18/01/2026 15:52

bombastix · 18/01/2026 12:40

Then if he’s useless isn’t he? I mean he sounds useless.

This woman is better off getting a divorce rather than pretzel herself and her kids around this man. His neurological issues are presented as the reason he can’t do stuff. She should take him at his word, not spend her time managing him. She will get nothing but contempt in return

Show quote history

Absolutely, having ND doesnt mean you cant learn new skills and make changes. Otherwise he's just written off. He chose to have a family life, chose to have a partner and children, that comes with responsbilities and duties which he will just have to get on with and perform.

If not, then he's out.

Dontcallmescarface · 18/01/2026 15:52

Oh boofuckinghoo the poor diddums. Tell him he's only got 2 children to look after whilst you seem to have 3 and if he can't manage to do it whilst being married then to think on about how hard he's going to find it when the divorce happens. I can't abide men who act like useless pricks at home but seem to manage their ever-so-important jobs with no hesitation what-so-ever.

Balloonhearts · 18/01/2026 15:59

I'd go off my fucking nut, tell him what a shit father he is being, point out that you already resent him and if he keeps behaving like he hates being with his children, those children will end up hating him right back.

Then I'd tell him he either needs to step up and at least try to enjoy his children or step out now because quite frankly, the child maintenance will be more use than he is.

Noshadelamp · 18/01/2026 16:00

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 14:51

Ok so my plan is to hire a full time nanny - possibly even someone to live in - I have already put up an advert. They can come with me swimming and takeover one of their activities in the week, and help with drop off and pick ups.

As for our relationship, not really sure where it leaves us. Its a massive massive ick when someone doesnt want parent

In meantime i will endeavour to give them double helpings of my love

Who's getting the double helpings of your love- I'm hoping it's the DCs, not the selfish abusive DH?

He was very shaming and mean to my son the other day when changing his nappy and i really didn't like it, i have expressed my unhappiness
What did he say when you expressed your unhappiness? I mean, what excuse can a grown man have for being mean and shaming a baby/toddler?

At this point. If you're hiring a live in nanny and you have a cleaner, what do you even need him for?

showyourquality · 18/01/2026 16:08

Nearly50omg · 18/01/2026 11:45

What is the point of him exactly? He’s planning to leave you and the kids to go and behave like a single student for 5 years not too long now and what 🤷‍♀️ there’s no way he’s driving 4 hours a day is there?!! He’s going to be living there and giving up on any parenting that he makes out he’s currently doing which frankly is nil anyway!

These were my thoughts. What are you gaining by having him in your life?
Does he want to be in your life? Do you want this version of him there?

BunnyLake · 18/01/2026 16:12

God it just makes me so mad when I read about mamby pamby men who can't step up and be a present, proper parent because it’s all just too much for the dears. I brought up two children alone with no co parenting and yes it’s hard but I’m not a mamby pamby wet lettuce.

Leave him, he's a waste of space. Have the nanny and be free of this selfish lump.

PrincessScarlett · 18/01/2026 16:14

I know several ND fathers who are amazing parents so please don't make any excuses for your DH.

How does your DH suggest funding his full time 5 year degree plus living expenses for 5 years as he will be living away from home? I cannot actually believe he has even suggested this. 5 years absent from his family. I think we all know there is a strong possibility that he will never come back home.

Your poor kids. If it were me I would be divorcing him now. Otherwise you may end up in a shit load of debt when he's bled you dry to finance his uni course plus the possibility of running up thousands and thousands of pounds in uni fees.

No wonder you've got the ick. I couldn't have any respect for a man like this. I promise you that you and the kids will be so much happier without this loser in your life.

Horserider5678 · 18/01/2026 16:14

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 09:32

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

Under 5 being feral is not normal it’s lazy parenting from both of you! Start making clear boundaries for them and stick to them, this means both of you! If their behaviour improves he may well feel happier.

Mummybud · 18/01/2026 16:14

It’s not about the kids. It’s about his career. He’s a high achiever. When a founder sells they lose a part of themselves and their identity. He’s rebelling against the idea of being “dad” because he doesn’t just want to be a dad. He’s discovering his purpose again - give him a bit of time. It may be a bit of an ick, but he’s done a lot more than the average person.

Mildorado · 18/01/2026 16:16

AgentJohnson · 18/01/2026 15:33

I think you need to accept the fact that this man doesn’t want to be a parent. He went along with being a parent when there were zero expectations of him parenting and now the roles have reversed, he’s rebelling. What made you think that this man would be a good parent? There’s nothing about his view on life that suggests that he would be. His autism isn’t an excuse but probably goes a long way to explain why he is now struggling.

No one benefits, especially your children, from this man being responsible for your children. Hire help and mourn the family life you thought you were building with this man. He’s a decorative parent, the one you wheel out for family photos but anything practical and he’s off.

This man is clearly telling you that he doesn’t want to parent, for you and your children’s sake, listen.

This ⬆️.
His attitude and behaviour are seriously impacting your children's lives and he won't improve. The children will suffer.
There really isn't a future.

Warmlight1 · 18/01/2026 16:17

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 11:24

More info:

He doesn't do any paid work, he is investing in various projects which have bigger longer term pay offs so obviously these take up head space and he does have to go meetings
He worked extremely hard for a decade building his business and is fortunate to have got a really good pay out - the early years he did travel a lot and so i was alone a lot, which was obviously hard but i got on with it, and whilst he worked from home due to pandemic it was me doing all household stuff and he wasnt very present
He is AuADHD
I work 3 days a week whilst the kids are in nursery and am also still studying / training
We share drop offs
I have my youngest for 1 full day a week - who still naps so often have to be in two places at once
DH takes the eldest for an activity once a week
Then 1 day a week we have a day all together where do an activity which DH seems openly hate
He goes to gym 4 times a week and goes to therapy weekly
I work out 1-2 times a week
I do the bulk of cooking, cleaning, school admin, laundry, shopping, anything kids need, planning for holidays, and also help DH with some of his projects
We have a cleaner

He recently announced that once our youngest is at school he would be going to a uni full time about 2 hours away to do a 5 year course, without any real consideration for the impact - i want to support him but this feels like too much without relocating. I found this very destabilsing

Right now I am thinking of hiring a full time nanny, possibly live in because i dont really think i can deal with him being a miserable man child because he has to do a few hours childcare a week or be involved in child-led activities

This is a tough mix of things. Sound like he might be compartmentalizing in a way that feels completely rational to him. Also sounds like he might have not taken the time with the children to build his relationship and skills with them and hasn't learned to enjoy time with them and the cycle of not managing has put him off.
Are there toddler groups in your are that he might engage with? These are play focussed and there's lots of opportunities to enjoy the kids.
Is he only dealing with them when they and him are tired?
Maybe the key might be really considering his experiences of being parented, what he wants to reproduce or make different. If one or both of your children has AuAdhd his insight might be invaluable into the future if he can develop it. There's lots of relevant information online.

MyDeftDuck · 18/01/2026 16:20

Sounds like you have three DC……..DH needs to step up and take full responsibility…….kids come with all manner of demands and needs, it’s not all about the fluffy nice bits in life.

BunnyLake · 18/01/2026 16:20

Mummybud · 18/01/2026 16:14

It’s not about the kids. It’s about his career. He’s a high achiever. When a founder sells they lose a part of themselves and their identity. He’s rebelling against the idea of being “dad” because he doesn’t just want to be a dad. He’s discovering his purpose again - give him a bit of time. It may be a bit of an ick, but he’s done a lot more than the average person.

Edited

Oh boo hoo poor man. Thoughts and prayers to him. It’s not so much he doesn’t ‘just’ want to be a dad, it sounds like he doesn’t want to be a dad full stop.

Sweetandsaltycaroline · 18/01/2026 16:30

I listened to a programme about child psychology recently and it said that "parent" changed from a noun or title to a verb in the middle of the last century....I think a lot of men havent noticed that....
My female ndn told me her DH was very good once his dc got to an interesting age (eg 6 or 7) and he could take them swimming etc.....aka opting back in when the tricky part was over.

I strongly suspect my own DH has ADHD (both his brothers are ND) He liked the idea of having kids, in fact he was probably more enthusiastic than me to start a family. He said he wanted 4 . Weve got 2 teens and i feel like ive parented alone a lot of the time.
I remember leaving him with both DC, one eve, when they were under 5 . The next morning when I got DS out of his cot he had smears of dinner over his face. Id told DH they didnt need a bath....so he'd not bothered even washing their face or brushing their teeth!

Grecianrainbow · 18/01/2026 16:34

Get your ducks in a row to do it without him. Don’t sound like he brings much to your family life now. So why stay in this sham when he’s leaving in 2 years. Plan to have your own life then too.

Gahr · 18/01/2026 16:35

JohnTheRevelator · 18/01/2026 15:24

Sorry OP but he just sounds like a typical man in my opinion.

No. No, he doesn't. He is a deadbeat loser, not a 'typical man'. I don't understand why these people have kids when they don't want them. I don't want kids, they are too much like hard work, so I never had any.

Gahr · 18/01/2026 16:37

Mummybud · 18/01/2026 16:14

It’s not about the kids. It’s about his career. He’s a high achiever. When a founder sells they lose a part of themselves and their identity. He’s rebelling against the idea of being “dad” because he doesn’t just want to be a dad. He’s discovering his purpose again - give him a bit of time. It may be a bit of an ick, but he’s done a lot more than the average person.

Edited

Um, no. He shouldn't have had children if he was going to refuse to parent. Even if OP pressured him into children (as to be fair, some women do) he should just have said no and split up then rather than when the children were born. I do sympathise with not wanting children, but not with wanting them and failing to parent them.

Pinkladyapplepie · 18/01/2026 16:41

OP one thing I have learned as I got older is just live for the here and now to some extent. I wouldn't worry about the uni thing yet as he ,by your own admissions, likes new shiny things gss , so the idea may fade. Also lots of hoops to get through to get a uni place, he may or may not get one. My DD1 wanted her husband to go back to uni as the course he did initially didn't really give him a job with a good income or promotion opportunities. He now has a really good job but they split for unrelated reasons. Also lot of courses are only a few hours "taught" so also may not be backwards and forwards so much.
IMO men take an extra 10 years to grow up, so as time goes on he may mature?