The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

You realise this will always be inequitable as it seems like DD2 will always need more - because she has made poor decisions and you have enabled this along the way.

DD1 has made good decisions, has her life together and probably has never felt like she had the option of needing anything because for the last 4 years DD2 has needed you more. Your mother is kindly giving you a wake up call, she’s right about everything…and you may be at risk of permanently harming your relationship with DD1.

In all honesty it does sound like you favour dd2.

It also sounds like dd1 and your mother have been talking about everything, and at least some of what your Mum said has come from your dd.

I would take a massive step back and try and see this from an outside perspective.

Well aren’t you a delight

DD1 won’t be doing eldercare, then. Poor girl.

I suspect this is more about you than it is about either of your daughters.

Ask yourself why you’re convinced that the one who’s working hardest needs less - or nothing.

Two teen pregnancies will instantly bring out the mumsnet lot who’ll insist ‘it’s a different source of achievement’.

It would be, except DD2 is letting you do the work.

(Did you really want grandchildren that badly?)

DD1 is in her own in the big wide world. Scary. Could ‘independent’ mean ‘left to cope regardless’?

Personally I’d be ashamed if my child was so lacking in compassion, emotional intelligence and empathy that they’d actually tell someone their adult daughter was moronic to have a baby and be a good Mum. A 19 year old having a baby might not be the ideal life decision but it’s certainly not the worst thing she could’ve done.

DD2 isn’t really a ‘fantastic’ mum if she’s chooses to have a second child, whilst living with your and only having the child’s father over ‘once a week or so’ and relying on you for financial and practical support. That’s not a fantastic mum. A fantastic mum would be concentrating on getting herself an independent life and able to support the child she has independently.

Please listen to your family before you totally alienate DD1.

Yes, it is. It is a ridiculous choice. No wonder her sister doesn't want to be friends with her!

I understand you wanting to help dd2 as getting pregnant as a teenager was never going to be easy but the fact she’s still stays with you and is now pregnant again does seem to be taking advantage of you.
I think your mum may have a point

This

I’m one of 2 sisters …very different. My parents had me pegged as the intellectual my sister somehow more vulnerable as I was very ill as a child (truth is my sister is a hard nut toughie) ..and I guess they felt some guilt for their absence at hospital with me in her childhood. The truth was they hadn’t assessed either of us well. A simple conversation with DD1 saying are we letting you down / are you ok? - “We love you” is all that’s needed to find a way through

My Mum wrote to me apologising for being so much harder on me (after I sent a family questionnaire) I’ve matured and view my parents with compassion..hopefully your eldest will too

You must live a very charmed life if the worst thing you can think of your adult child doing is having a baby while in less than ideal circumstances.

I think OP is probably doing too much for DD2 and the second child is particularly unwise if DD2 is still training in her job, but ashamed is the kind of feeling I’d have if my child was out committing crime not having a baby.

I disagree with most of the posts. You have two adult daughters who you love. They have different needs and you support them differently.

What does DD1 want you to do differently? It

I’m wondering why your mum feels this is her place to talk to you about it. These are YOUR children, this isn’t her business, beyond having her own relationship with her granddaughters.

Neither child is right or wrong in their choices, they’re simply choosing their own paths in life. DD2 living with you doesn’t fit into the western model of being fully independent, but if you’re happy to support them, why not? It must be lovely to have DGS at home.

It’s a shame the kids didn’t and don’t get on, if your DD2 is more family oriented, I can see why she’s hurt they don’t have a relationship. It sounds like that doesn’t really matter to DD1.

You have your own relationship with each, as long as they both receive your love, support and respect, I can’t see anything wrong. Your mum needs to back off.

Surprised at the answers.

I think you’re trying to do your best by both of your children, OP, and your Mum should butt out.

Has DD1 ever asked for any help, or for you to behave differently towards her? Have you discussed things with DD1?

If she’s unhappy then obviously I’d do what I could go make her feel as loved and celebrated as possible, but it sounds like she’s fine.

Your Mum is of course free to spend her birthday with DD1 or whoever she chooses. What does she want you to do? Chuck DD2 out?

Argh. Half my post disappeared. I agree with what SunnySide says above- she says it better than I did.

Had my first baby at 20(pregnant at 19). Second at 22. Graduated from my degree with a first class at 24. My kids are very loved and looked after and intelligent. It's not the most ideal choice so young but it doesn't end your life. I agree

I think it would be helpful to encourage your DD2 to transition into a more independent future life as an adult… is the boyfriend planning to marry her, live with her, support her during mat leave etc..?
What does her future look like? Is he a solid and stable partner?

Will you be effectively bringing up her children for the next decade if this guy does a runner? That is the concern.

Your mum has a point.

How often do you contact/see DD1? What do you do for her? How do you show her that she's loved? How does she know that you care about her? How much interest do you show in her life?

DD2 has your attention, your consideration and your time, every single day. She and her family have all your attention, and I'm guessing a fair bit of your finances as well as your affection.

DD1 just seems to have been forgotten by you, and I dare say that she feels unloved and that you don't care about her.

Tbh, having the first baby while a teen with no means of housing or supporting her child financially would be disappointing, but if she then goes on to be pregnant again I would be furious with her. It shows great immaturity and selfish behaviour to bring another child into this less than ideal situation.

I agree with this. Your mum actually sounds quite mean to decide to go and see your eldest on your youngest daughters birthday.
Both your children are happy, it's a shame they don't get on but as long as you show you love them equally I don't see a problem with offering DD2 support.
Ignore your mum and the posters on here who apparently have perfect children.

Would you be OK with your dd having a third or fourth child while living with you? If not best to broach it with her.

I’d give Dd1 a call and have a heart to heart.

Are you fucking joking? You’d call your child a moron and tell them you were ashamed of them?

I’d be more ashamed if any of my children used that word.

Only snobs on Mumsnet could come up with half of these comments ! Some people on here don’t live in the real world !!!

Wouldnt it be great to live a perfect life , where by life falls into your lap , travel the world and earn loads of money . But maybe , not everyone WANTS this life !!! Everyone’s different . You can have 2 children , bought up in the exact same household , same parents , same childhood and totally different characters . It doesn’t make one better than the other .
Just coz your one DD has chosen to be a Mum that doesn’t make her a lower grade human . You might even find in the future she’s actually happier than DD1 . Money , looks and a career isn’t everything in life. Maybe DD 2 might go onto make something of her life later on and even if she don’t , so what ?! Enjoy your Grandchildren , and ignore the snobby comments . Life is what you make of it and it doesn’t make either of your children better than each other.