The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

So my parents changed their minds because making sure they saw my sister over Christmas was more important to them than seeing me and my newborn.

Oh @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos that must have hurt deeply. I was leaving the country to work abroad for a substantial chunk of time (I never retired actually). Neither of my parents took me to the airport to see me off because they were taking their grandchild his first train journey as a 4 year old who loved trains. That was more important, clearly.

Re DD2 living at home. In our experience, it was infinitely easier and quicker for us to save a £70k deposit/moving fees than to secure a rental (we did have 10k from the start). For me, buying was the only option other than living at home . And this was in London..

That was in 2019, the rental situation has only gotten worse. I hear about people on 75k (single income) being asked for guarantors or testimonials. In Leeds.. that was more than we earned together back in 2019.

What a horrible argument, how sad 2 sisters were tearing strips off each other about what they choose to do with their bodies

Agree.

At age 19, DD2 clearly needed help and support and it was absolutely right that she had it. But she's now 23 and still in the parental home, not working, and pregnant again by her boyfriend who visits once a week. The OP - in her own words - is in no hurry for her to move out. And is happily paying to support her, but tellingly, prefers to spend money on privately educating a 4 year-old, rather than using this money to increase the deposit for DD2 to enable her to move out and launch her life as an independent adult.

There's an indirect parallel with one of my siblings, who received a lot of financial and emotional and childcare support from my Mum, right through to their late 30s. By contrast, I have had no financial support from them once I reached 21. The difference though, is that my Mum never stopped emotionally supporting me, and always made time to speak to me, to want to spend time with me, and to want me to visit. I was always welcomed and space was made for me when I stayed. My sibling was very clear how lucky they were to be able to have my Mum's support, and I'm conscious that I was fortunate not to need it and that it was good that they could therefore get what they needed.

Consequently there hasn't been any resentment over the years. We get on well although we aren't particularly close (very different people!). It never felt like there were favourites even though the financial support was a massive disparity, because I didn't need it, but I did need emotional support which I always got. That, to me, is giving each child what they need.

for me the holidays is just so telling. OP has holidays with DD2. DD1 is invited to OPs and DD2s holiday. Being invited to someone else's holiday, that's all she gets.

The cost of housing (renting and buying) is insane - and I agree it's only got worse since 2019. Which is why it's surprising that DD2 has decided to have another baby - as the cost of doing this is only going to delay her deposit saving plans.

Exactly. I went back to work 5 months after having my DD. I had to provide for her with my DH so we could move to somewhere bigger than we were living. Needs must when you have a child. . dD2 has had 4 years to be earning and building up a career or getting qualified. With her mum’s support with childcare (which is amazing luxury given childcare costs), DD2 should be sitting pretty ready to move out now and gaining traction on her career. She could have waited another 5 years to have another child and be in a good position. That is the sort of support OP should have been providing to help DD2 get on her feet and help launch her into independence.

cost of doing this is only going to delay her deposit saving plans

I doubt DD2 has any actual plans to save up and move out. Why would she? My guess is that while OP won't move right now to have enough room for DD1 to visit, she will move as soon as the new grandchild needs their own room and it will suddenly be no trouble at all.

It's blindingly obvious that OP doesn't want DD2 to become independent. She wants her to stay living at home. She treats DD2 as though she is a child and DD1 as though she is a distant relation.

So you are projecting your own situation

This thread has been overrun by people projecting their own decades held resentments towards their parents and siblings since about page 2.

It has also attracted the usual types of people who absolutely hate:

1. Other people’s children.
2. Siblings. Especially siblings who are seen as “lazy” and thus, not as accomplished, and therefore, unworthy.
3. Pregnant women/mothers. Especially mothers who are receiving any kind of support from their parents I.e. FREE childcare.

Some of the comments made here about the OP, and especially her DD2, have been completely out of line and particularly unhinged for Mumsnet and AIBU.

Really sad that women come here looking for support and this is what they receive instead.

That assumes she’s covering any of her costs now.

@KatharinaRosalie yes, I wouldn't be surprised if this were to happen.

One thing I do wonder, is what would happen if one of the GC struggles more than the other. Will the OP and her DD2 end up repeating this cycle where one child is favoured at home in the interests of "fairness"?

most likely. While the non-favoured siblings try their utmost to be fair and treat their own children equally, in my experience, the Golden Children often also have a Golden Child, and parents of Golden Children have favourite grandchildren. This helps to reinforce their belief that the past favouritism was all good and fair.

Maybe he should have done all that before having children.

It really did.

I don't need or want their money. But their interest in my life, my family, me would be amazing. They act like they care, say all the right things etc. But when I really need them, someone else is always more important.

I don't ask for anything these days. I tried but I was always dismissed as "we know you'll be ok". So now I do things like invite, because I do hope they'll want to see us, but plan for cancellations. Or just cheerily say "oh of course she needs you to stay home while she goes to her in laws. Not to worry, another time".

I’m sure we’d all love our children to do things in the ‘right’ order, but plenty of people don’t. And when faced with real life grandchildren many will do what suits them best. Even if it delays nuclear family.

It's also really sad that when people are giving their account of their own hurt from being dismissed, they get dismissed as "being petty". Purely because their experience is different to yours.

Sometimes the support you need is not the support you want.

OP might want to be told that her Mum is interfering, that she's absolutely right to be doing what she's doing, and that every single action and decision she's taken has been completely correct.

However, plenty of people (including me) have read the OP's posts, and think that she needs to understand that she's the one playing favourites - and that she's actually causing problems for both of her daughters.

1. Other people’s children. - NO
2. Siblings. Especially siblings who are seen as “lazy” and thus, not as accomplished, and therefore, unworthy. - NO
3. Pregnant women/mothers. Especially mothers who are receiving any kind of support from their parents I.e. FREE childcare. - NO

IMO this thread is excellent and shocking. Shocking how parents favour some sibling over others. I have 2 dc and this is a huge reminder to distribute parental affections and resources fairly no matter who is the easiest or more relatable child at any point.

Why should posters not say that they have been the neglected sibling in their family unit? These posts are supportive as sometimes what's needed is a different perspective, we all do unhelpful things we are not too aware of. OP did ask for advice and wise mumsnetters are giving it. Your post is kind of the odd one out but that's ok, it adds a different perspective, even though I politely disagree with your posts.

Out of interest, why did you chose to use chatgpt used to compose your post? What are the benefits?

This thread will fill up soon so, @Allosie please consider taking on board the experiences and advice of everyone here, not just those who have agreed with you.

It may be that DD1 doesn't feel like a lot of us do, she may be perfectly happy with her relationship with her family.

But if there's even the slightest chance she isn't, you need to make it right. Or you'll risk her feeling like we do, and going even lower contact, if not no contact, forever, to protect herself and the future family she builds for herself, whatever that looks like.

ETA: also think about helping DD2 become more independent for her own good, even if that means her family is less private school and more state school that you think is right. So she can support herself if necessary.

Please, please listen. Just in case there's any element of truth in it.

This is my experience too - my ‘Golden Child’ sister who is codependent with my mother has done the exact same thing with her kids. The oldest child is the black sheep, like me, and the younger is the golden child. The kids hate each other and the oldest - who is a great, bright, high-achieving kid with loads of friends who’s treated as though he’s a problem child - hates his mother. He can’t even stand to be in the same room as her. TBF neither can I so I empathise hard with him! I’ve never talked to him about the toxic family cycle but will do once he’s left home and we can talk freely without my sister finding out and making his life even harder.

This thread has been an eye opener. I thought it was just me, it’s been astonishing to see how common this particular dynamic is.

It’s so sad. So DD2 was the one who insulted DD1, clearly never got pulled up for this by her family and now SHE is playing the victim refusing to be in OP’s house when DD1 very rarely visits. Because she’s jealous of her glittering life.

AND anyway, DD1 has no place to sleep there anyway, because both spare bedrooms are given to DD2 and the grandchild, AND because OP can afford multiple private school fees but “doesn’t want to move”. And DD2 tantrums that she has to give up her bedroom?

so DD1 effectively has been cast out of parents home and has to stay with grandparents because it’s obvious she’s not welcome there.

what a disgrace.
DD2 sounds like a right bitch in this (who runs to mummy all the time and mummy always takes her side).

I also bet once DD2 will have a second baby the OP will magically will want to move to a bigger house despite “loving” her current home (although probably there still won’t be a spare bedroom for DD1)

It’s not about giving her support as a single mum at 19…. It’s about these other things around this support.
oh and how pathetic is to choose to have a second baby with a deadbeat boyfriend coming once a week for a shag when you don’t have a job and can’t afford anything without your parents’ help… and have no expectations of ever having to move out or finding a job to stand on her own 2 feet… fantastic mum - lol

He’s been living at home and saving up for a house for FOUR YEARS. Surely he could afford a mansion for himself and his soon-to-be two children by now. We don’t even know if he contributes financially toward them at all. I’m guessing not as it hasn’t been mentioned.

DD2 parents could have paid their rent while they are saving or given them a bigger deposit instead of private school fees. But noooooo

I would say more to the point OP needs to consider that she might be playing favourites and not just trot out that arguments that she has on this thread and dismiss her mother's comments.

If she values the relationship with her DD1, she will go to her and say "I'm sorry that we aren't as close as I am with DD2; is there anything we can do to change that?" and then actually truly listen to the answer. Although she should also consider that if DD1 shrugs and says "it's all fine" that might well be because she thinks it's not worth trying.

My parents told me I was favouritising DS over DD. My parents are toxic and I'm fairly sure that they were saying this to stir but I still went and spoke to both children separately. Actually it turned out that both children thought that DD was the favoured child, so we were able to have a good chat about why that was which brought us all closer, and I've been able to make some changes to make DS feel happier. So, whilst my parents were talking rubbish, it had some really positive results.