The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

With some small differences I am am very similar to your the older DD in this scenario. My younger sister lives with my parents with her husband and x2 children under 2. This is what I think about my situation, maybe it’s similar to what your eldest daughter thinks but definitely chat to her.

Going round to visit them is exhausting, it’s all about the young children who make so much noise and we can barely have a conversation. I do get on with my sister but I don’t always want to see her and children when visiting my parents. But why can’t I visit my parents in their own home on their own in peace.

When I need a favour like staying over it’s always a drama because bedrooms have to shift. My sister feels it is her home too and acts entitled to her space in the house. I always think my sister should understand that she’s actually a guest in that house and if she wants more stability with ‘her space’ she needs to move out.

I want to do more adult things with my parents e.g. dinners out, going to shows/events/museums, I want them to suggest doing these things. But they’re always planning around childcare or always so tired from childcare and have no headspace to plan things. Or say we can’t do that because we’re looking after grandchild. So I stopped trying.

Also the first baby perhaps was an accident (I don’t really understand how it can happy with basic sex education though), the second baby was planned or at the very least not prevented. So it was reckless and silly when she has no independence of her own (I wouldn’t be proud of my child behaving like this) you make her life way too comfortable. If I was a parent I’d be angry she was taking advantage of my kindness and make it clear she now has chosen to have a proper family of her own and will need to buy her own house in an area she can afford (tough if she can’t afford to buy where she wants, neither can I) with her partner ideally before baby arrives.

You should give your children exactly the same, not exactly what they need. It does sound as if you are facilitating poor choices for DD2.

I also doubt that the second pregnancy was contraception failure. She probably wanted a second and cracked on knowing OP will pay.

I would be having strong words with any child of mine who got pregnant twice and expected me to house and support her. DD 1 is irrelevant. Your DD 2 is a feckless idiot, not a free spirit, and you are enabling her.

.

Its telling that dd1 doesn't visit and you say its because you dont have a large home. You dont acknowledge its because dd2 lives there with her child. And soon to be 2nd child. Your dd1 must feel so pushed out and unwelcome in the cozy family set up she's not part of anymore.

Sorry @Allosie, I think you are too busy playing granny to notice anything about dd1. She is very lucky she still has her own gran to have her back.

That your DD2 feels entitled to argue over bedrooms when DD1 wants to visit is very telling. She has no respect for you, your home or her sister. Also you say not having a large home means DD1 can't visit occasionally. Have you told DD2 that you don't have large home so can't accommodate another person full time when she has her second child.

What happens at Christmas time? Or if there's a family event?

You say DD1 is lucky etc but she had to find opportunities at that European university, keep up in a competitive environment etc & it sounds like not much supporr came from you or her father.

Paying school fees (a completely unnecessary expense) must cost you thousands a year. I assume that this will continue and you'll do it for both children even after DD2 has moved out as it is unlikely that DDs and her boyfriend's income will stretch to such a luxury.

As you have also been paying for nursery fees, was this so that DD2 could go to work? You have said that she is doing a hairdressing course now which implies she hasn't previously been working, although I may be wrong about this.

You are definitely pouring all your financial resources into just one of your children. I don't think DD2 will ever want to stand on her own two feet as you have given her an easy and pretty luxurious life. Most grandparents with a daughter in your DD2's situation would normally help with offers of help with childcare and maybe some cash gifts if their daughter was really struggling financially. Your DD seems to have a very easy life.

DD1 hasn't voiced any resentment but she has definitely distanced herself as the massive favouritism must be very obvious to her.

You are seeing what you want to see OP. The chat from your mum has not come from no where. Your first DD is probably not happy.

I'm the 'resilient, resourceful self sufficient child' (not beautiful though ;) amongst my siblings - 3 of us in total. I'm so annoyed at my parents for always putting my needs last. It's exhausting and there has been resentment there. You are treating them differently and it is a problem.

I do understand the difficulty of having two very different DC. One of my DC is on the way to a high earning profession, the other in a low earning one. Low earning DD lives with us- rent free- and may take longer to move out, given London rents. DS will have an easier path.

But both are working hard and been told in no uncertain terms that I am not housing or rearing or supporting any babies.

I was treated in the same way as your eldest daughter OP, for exactly the same reasons you give: my parents gave according to need. What that led to is a significant amount of resentment from me, because I felt I was being punished for having ambition and get up and go. I worked my arse off while my sisters coasted. I scrimped and saved to buy a tiny house in a shitty area to get on the ladder while they both remained living rent-free in my parents’ second home. I worked full time and studied part time to improve my career prospects while they did temping, saved money and then spent months of every year out of work/travelling.

My middle sister moved out of my mum’s house at the age of 37. My eldest sister followed at the age of 43 (she moved in with my middle sister).

The level of entitlement they have exhibited throughout their adult lives is shocking (e.g. during the pandemic my mum needed somewhere to stay as she had been abroad and she came back to the UK but had to sleep in the living room of her own house because my sister refused to give up her bed - the bed my mum bought in the house she owned and was getting £0 in rent!)

You might think you’re being fair right now OP but this will build to a lifetime of resentment. I no longer speak to my sisters and am LC with my mum. My parents have all their time, money and resources to my sisters because they needed it more. They were squeezed dry by the end.

YABU.
Not that much for supporting your DD2 the way you do, although to me it's one thing to support your 19 yo with an unplanned pregnancy, and another to support her when she decides to have another child at 22, when she doesn't have a job, accomodation, or the father to actually be a dad...

But the issue for me is that you're not supporting your eldest to the same level.
It doesn't mean supporting them in the same way, they are different people with different needs. But from what you describe you're spending a lot more time and energy on one of your children.
Maybe I'm wrong, but do you visit DD1 regularly? Go traveling with her like your mum plans to do?Anything to be part of her life?

I’m reminded of one of my oldest friends, who is the older, ‘successful’ one and her younger brother. Believe me, what she has, she worked for, and the resources lavished on her brother (who has barely worked a day in his life but has 2 kids at private school) while she grafted her butt off, and raised two children at state schools, have hurt, more than she would ever tell her mum. Tbf your dd2 does sound much more on the ball than that waster, but I do often wonder how her mum doesn’t see what she is doing. Please do let go of this idea that your dd1 didn’t have to work hard.

Your daughter lives at home with a child she had at a young age, yet she got pregnant again and plans to raise yet another child in your house?
That’s highly irresponsible of her.

Really she should have concentrated on her and her partner moving in together with their child, then had a second baby.

I’m your dd1, and in my forties completely alienated from my family. I see them 2/3 times a year, although I didn’t stop speaking to my sister when young. My dad died but even with him my parents and sister have a completely codependent relationship and they’ve saved her thousands/given her thousands over the years, whereas I’ve had nothing. It makes you feel quite alone in the world and I resent my sister now. Family therapy maybe?

Also your DD2s bloke has an easy life, doesn't he? Not having to support or house or even live with his children. What a catch. I would be furious about her having a 2nd with this prince.

Your mum is absolutely right.

Having a second child before she’s even got her own home to live in is irresponsible and childish, facilitated by you. She has the privilege of a middle class life whilst working in a job which is unlikely ever to enable her to afford things like school fees for her kids, but has embarked upon that route anyway. What’s going to happen if you and your husband die before her kids’ education is finished? Will you leave her more in your wills because she “needs” more? She doesn’t need more, she’s just taking more. And that is what feeds the quiet resentment you describe from your older daughter.

I’d be pretty disappointed if my daughter (who is a similar age) made these life choices, and I wouldn’t be making it so comfortable for her. I’d also make more effort to visit and spend time with the older daughter, doing things that she enjoys.

You need to talk to DD1. It may be that there are things she would like to change about your relationship but she feels unable to say them because of her role as the strong independent daughter who doesn't need help.

This is one of the worst cases of parental favouritism I've seen on here.

Your DD1 sounds lovely, hardworking and bright and it seems like because she is externally validated for her attributes, you think that is reward enough.

You clearly feel it is your job to reward or even the playing field for DD2 but instead you're rewarding bad behaviour and facilitating poor decision making.

You're not going to change because 'family-oriented' DD2 has given you a much-loved grandchild and you're more busy with being a grandparent than supporting your DD1. Your poor DD1 doesn't even have room at your house because of your golden grandchild. I can't imagine how she must feel.

I hope DD1 goes on to have a very happy life with people who appreciate and love her and do not punish her for being hardworking, smart and independent. And I hope when she has her own DC that she finds great support in her inlaws as it sounds like her own parents have other DGC to fund and fawn over. And finally, I hope your mum continues to support DD1 and addresses the inequity by always opening her home to her and showing her true love and care.

JFC, this has to be one of the most vile and mortifying answers I've ever read on MN. I feel sorry for your children if you have any.

For me, DD2’s attitude in all this would be a big part of how I viewed it. If she has a plan of how she’s going to save up, move out, and support her family independently (not to the kind of level financially that she’s used to from growing up at home, but enough to manage), then I would (if I was her mother) be supporting that. If I felt she was only half heartedly doing that but really just expecting me to pay for everything and provide childcare (and school fees!) while she plays at being a mum and still spends lots of time going out with friends and acting like a 19 year old without a child would- my attitude would be very different.

DD1’s like or dislike or the situation would be irrelevant, I’d be proud of her and honestly feel she’s the one with the prospects and life ahead of her. I’d do everything I could to continue to see DD1 regularly and make it clear to her that the situation with DD2 was not ‘ideal’ but that your gorgeous grandson has come from it, and you’re all making the best of it the best you can. And remind her that you’ll always support her choices too, and if she ever gets to the point of having children, you’d love to offer support- not likely in the form of her living with you simply because she’s unlikely to need that, but help with other things. And of course if she doesn’t have kids and never needs financial support, then you’re always there for emotional support. In fact I might even have a chat with her along the lines of- we’re helping DD2 out financially due to this unexpected situation, we know you don’t NEED that financial help in the same way, however to be fair would like to give you X to spend or save how you’d like, to keep things fair. It might not be an exact amount but at least as a gesture. If you can afford that obvs.

I know of a similar situation. The second child stayed at home and raised their own child to adulthood. As a result, GP’s saw that child as their 3rd kid. First child stayed in touch but was clearly bubbling under the surface as they felt they and their own kids weren’t treated the same as youngest child’s kid. GP’s then left entire will to the youngest child as they lived at home still. Family torn apart.

I am DD1 in this scenario. Now NC with sister and dad (mum has passed away).

Haven’t read the full thread so apologies if this has been mentioned. Is there any reason to suspect that this information from your mother is second hand. Ie she is speaking on behalf of DD1?

Hopefully your mother will leave everything in her will to DD1
You can't see the wood for the trees