The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

This.

How do you feel about DD2 not living with her partner? Getting pregnant again with no secure job/home or partner IS reckless? Do you like her partner? Why does your Mum think her granddaughter is bad at choosing men? What did you say to your Mum after this? Speak to DD1 as above poster said - ask her if these are conversations she’s having with her GM? Talk and iron them out

To be honest I think both your daughters are lucky. To have a deposit paid on their house to have had a private education, to be intelligent, beautiful and talented, to have OP help with the child until another house is ready. To have private education promised for all gc. OP isn't infallible. I think she is doing great and her eldest is flourishing. Hopefully when DD2 moves out DD1 can spend more time at home.

Maybe try and organise a holiday with just you, your husband and DD1. She sounds like she has a lovely life regardless.

I can't understand in this day and age how someone gets pregnant. It's so easy to get birth control unlike in the 70s when every girl I knew 'Had to get Married'. The freedom now is so fantastic and yet....
I think DD2 is very reckless having another baby living with you and only sees the father once a week. It's been 4 years since her last baby how come she hasn't got pregnant before. I think they are both taking you for a fool and you should have words about her moving out and starting a proper life with her boyfriend. Unless of course he is married already and that's why she only see him once a week. Your mum is right by the way. You will end up like the old lady who lived in a shoe if your not careful.

You are being very unfair and you refuse to acknowledge it because the truth makes you uncomfortable. My parents always favored my brother because he produced the grandchildren. It hasn’t changed in 20 years. They never invited me for Easter or Christmas because there wasn’t enough space in the house as the third bedroom was occupied by the visiting grandchildren. As a result my relationship was much less close but it was what they chose. And what you have chosen. Might as well be honest about it.

It is difficult when the two siblings are so different.

But it is pretty ridiculous for your youngest to choose to have a second child when both parents are living with their parents. You are obviously making it far too easy for them.

What if she has another child in this situation? At what point are you going to say enough is enough, stand on your own two feet? 4 4

Unless you are loaded you simply won't be able to pay three sets of school fees for them and your dd1 if she chooses to have her own kids.

If I was dd1 I would be resentful as well.

I would also be devastated that my dd1 didn't want to stay with me when she visits.

I think your mum has a point.

Ignore. Think how damaging this is. Wow. Ashamed? As in you care about orders opinions more than your own.

I also agree that you ought to see your DD more often. You travel to her twice a year? Is she abroad? It's not clear to me if she is in the UK or not. Regardless of how driven she may be she may think 'I've done everything myself and sister is getting the easy ride and all the support'.

I think you ought to talk to DD1 frankly. See her perspective and if there is an underlying resentment there that you know nothing about. You sound as if you are fine and dandy with everything, but your DD could be perceiving things as being a very great deal more toxic than that. And yes to a pp mentioning who will be doing the elder care. You might dismiss it now, but does your DD think to herself she's going to be lumped with it in the end financially because DD2 has made different choices and won't be able to contribute despite the massive disparity in support now?

I bet those family holidays are entirely oriented for your DD2s needs. Why don’t you choose a holiday that’s really adult oriented and suitable for DD1 and leave DD2 at home to sort herself out.

What a steaming pile of bollocks. Horrific response. Yes, cast DD2 out on the street, that'll learn her.

Some of the responses here are really strange.

As you know, you're always going to be the parents with parenting responsibilities. Obviously, these change as children grow. However, the one thing that stays the same is that you respond to their needs.

Each of your children has different needs. You're responding to these different needs differently. To my mind, this is what you're meant to be doing.

People who seem to be insisting it should be about sameness don't appear to understand the concept of fairness.

Surely you must see the role you are playing in deepening this divide? Your older daughter must feel completely left out of this new dynamic you have created that she is simply not a part of. She’s 25, has worked hard and it sounds like the world is her oyster, you should celebrate that but it seems you’re so wrapped up in DD2 that your ‘easier’ older daughter is continually overlooked. Reads a bit like the glass child to me.

You mention her achievements in passing (in a rather dismissive way, as if she’s not worked hard for them). But all the qualifications in the world are not going to compete with a much loved grandchild.

Are you waiting until she has children to make her feel she has done something that has value in your eyes? Do you struggle to relate to DD1? The way you describe is almost like some exotic creature you don’t quite understand. (And are not trying to). Do you see more of yourself in DD2? Do you still see her as the baby of the family? Of course she’s your child but she’s also an adult and I’m not sure you see her that way. Perhaps because she had a child young and always lived at home, she’s never had a gap in that parent/ child dynamic with you to spread her wings and it seems you’ve just drifted into doing everything for her as you always have.

I don’t think you were wrong to support her at 19 but she doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to be more independent with another baby on the way and endless support on tap. You also benefit from this having plenty of time with your grandson so can imagine you don’t want to put a stop to it. But what is the plan? How long will they be saving for a mortgage? Longer now with another baby on the way. I also think the situation with his father is very odd and both father and son are missing out on that bond. I think you’ve accepted this cosy situation as it’s nice for you too but is it just ensuring your daughter is always dependent on you?

You are massively favouring your younger daughter and have made commitments e.g. private school that suggest you are planning to do this for many years to come. Both daughters have made choices in life but because DD2 choices tie her to you she gets endlessly rewarded - free accommodation, childcare, holidays, while DD1 gets nothing - because you perceive she’s being rewarded externally she doesn’t need anything from you. You’re not being fair.

They don’t need the same support but they both need your support. Because it’s less obvious what this might look like for DD1 you seem to have opted out. You need to take a step back from this as you don’t seem to be seeing the full picture.

Stop making things up. Not one poster has suggested casting the DD2 out.
Her behaviour is totally irresponsible and immature though; not living with the father 5 years after becoming pregnant and now having another child despite these circumstances, relying on her parents for everything for years with no long term plan. The parents are encouraging her to continue to behave like this by their behaviour and also completely sidelining the older DD too.

So you can afford private school fees for two sets of grandchildren (as you said you would pay to privately educate DD1s children if she had any) but not a fourth bedroom so that when your daughter visits she can stay with you?

You are massively favouring DD2 even with your visits to DD1 and if I were DD1 I would notice. She sounds gracious about it but you said she’s very intelligent so she’s obviously also noticed it.

What needs of DD1 are they supporting? They only visit her once a year and don't even provide her with a bedroom when she visits. No wonder she doesn't bother with her parents.

You can't treat them completely the same and it would not be fair to do so either with different needs. Obviously DD2 needs more of one kind of support at the moment but are you not supporting DD1 through university? What about when she has kids when she's older, surely you would offer support there? With your support DD2 will be able to make a good career and life for herself in the future.

I also have two DDs who are very different, but they get on extremely well. One is super bright and at university and DD2 has never been as academic and has needed a lot more support with AuADHD. Both are fabulous in their own way though. DD1 is having a lot of financial support through university (though she also works very hard in part time jobs) and DD2 is working PT and is at college but will probably never need the level of financial support going to university would entail.

As long as you support them each to their measure, and recognise that each will need different things at different times, that is all you can do as a parent.

As for your mum, I would be very angry at any favouritism from that direction. You have shown her up by being a far better parent. Apparently only offspring who tick all the standard life boxes should be supported.

And don't post on Mumsnet about this kind of thing, OP, it's much too sensitive, particularly for AIBU. People come here just to insult people and offer brainless and unpleasant comments due to inadequacies in their own lives.

I think your mother has a very valid point. Having one baby with a largely uninvolved partner might be a youthful teenage mistake but repeating this again at 23 is a choice. She is having children with a man who comes to stay once a week! I mean just because she's not academic there is no reason to suspect that she is so stupid as to be incapable of using contraceptives - if she can mix a tint, she can figure out how to use contraception. After all, it's not very difficult to have an IUD or take the pill or have an implant or whatever.

I would be understanding about one mistake but I certainly would not be understanding of her living with me permanently with her two out of wedlock children with a man who is not showing the slightest sign of stepping up to to be an involved parent or supporting his children in any way and certainly seems to not be slightest bit interested in putting a roof over their head. In fact, I would be kicking back about going through this all again with a second child. And what about the next one or the one after that - I am hoping for your sake that twins do not run in your family. I think your youngest daughter needs to feel the weight of her choices rather than being feather bedded by you.

I too have a less academic second child. He worked through high school and put in extra effort with a tutor. He did the absolute best he could with the academic ability he had and did much better than initially expected. He didn't begrudge the extra hours of tutoring and studying. He took a much easier degree than his sibling. He is currently doing a vocational qualification. There is nothing wrong with being a hairdresser but there is everything in the world wrong with having two children who their grandparents support and house because neither parent has the means to do so. Does your daughter have any plans for housing herself and her two children? And if not, why not? Does she have any plans for eventually owning her own salon? I think you have been far too lenient with your second daughter. I could understand how your elder daughter might feel sidelined.

OP, I feel like you’re getting quite a rough time here. I agree with the couple of supportive people that have said said you respond to your child’s needs. It’s only natural

i have a brother that sounds a lot like your DD1. He is more intelligent than all of us. Has done very very well for himself. He left home and bought a very expensive house in his early 20s and now sort of looks down on the rest of us, including our parents. Our parents house is Aparently too small for him to visit (he still lives in this country, about an hour away from us)

i have an aunt that sounds a lot like your mum. She feels sorry for him that we’re all close and he’s on the outskirts, but it’s his own doing. He distanced himself because he really seems to believe he’s above us and nothing that my mum could give him is good enough. She’s tried to be there for him many times but he’s almost disinterested. Doesn’t stop him talking to my aunt about the rest of us tho. Aunt is also very wealthy through marriage and he seems to feel she is more on his level.

I and one other sibling have stopped trying with him. It kills my mum tho. Don’t have any advice but you are not alone and you are not doing anything wrong by supporting your DD2

Your mother is correct . You are not encouraging DD2 to stand on her own 2 feet . I absolutely hate it when parents treat children differently and it’s usually the one who does everything right that loses . It’s like DD1 is being penalised for being brighter , more successful, prettier , all natural traits she has no genetic control over .

I can’t believe what I’m reading. You so clearly favour your dd2.

I’d be upset with dd2 at having a second child while still living with us. One mistake at 19, ok. Another at 23. No. I’d have also wanted her to have an abortion if still possible at 19 anyway.

Your mother is right. I’d also pretty much say you have pushed your dd1 away, no wonder your mother feels as she does.

With each update I am more team mother and DD1. Your headline statement that your parents have shown a favourite clearly indicates your own bias. They haven't shown a favourite but identified, in their opinion, that DD1 has been sidelined to accommodate the increasingly demands of DD2 and her expanding family. An expanding family who are unable to support themselves .

DD2 has made poor choices, outwith making the decision to have her child, all of which have been supported by you.
She has a partner who stays over once a week so not actively parenting his child as he lives over 2 hours away.
You are gifting her a deposit but it is not enough as she wants to stay in the local area. Bet she does. Presumably her part time partner and Dad to your grandchild will move in to the new home. If he can do it then why not now?
Have there been discussions about the practicalities of another baby in a house which already cannot accommodate the growing family?
Time for DD2 and her partner to.get on with establishing their own family unit. If they can't afford the current location, look elsewhere at locations they can afford.

I'm glad DD1 has the support of her grandparents. No surprise that DD1 is distancing and protecting herself.

In many ways i was your eldest daughter compared to my sibling - I often felt I couldn’t talk about my accomplishments lest it make my sibling feel bad. Whatever they have achieved in life is sung about whereas for me it’s always “we expected nothing less” it’s difficult. I do have a good relationship with my sibling though and accept at times they have needed the greater support and I’m lucky in that when I have been the one to need support on a personal basis then my parents have been there - there is always always this undercurrent of rivalry though but I make the best of it so as not to cause friction within the family

It’s clear that your mother and dd1 are close. That’s good. And it suggests that she is pretty family-oriented as well - being family-oriented doesn’t have to mean ‘having children’. You sound hurt that your dds don’t get along and that’s understandable, but it does sound slightly as if you blame dd1 for that - just my impression.

But I agree with posters upthread who point out that some of this is clearly coming from dd1, even if she may just have been having a vent to her granny rather than really meaning to pass it on.

How about shaking things up a little bit? Go and see dd1 - she may be taken aback, if so, offer to stay at a hotel and visit with her rather than stay. Ask her to show you the area she lives in and some of her haunts. Spring for a fancy meal. Don’t tack anything else onto the trip - make it about her and your relationship.

Next time she comes back to see you, turf dd2 and the gcs out to her boyfriend’s for an bit and have dd1 to stay. It sounds as if dd2’s relationship with your mum could do with a bit of care as well, dd2 could stay with her, except I’m a bit thrown that dd2’s boyfriend apparently gets to do almost no parenting at all.

Also, school fees? Seriously? Was this the dad’s decision as well? In what context did a hairdresser and a person of unknown income decide that private education was just the ticket? Or did you decide that, and why?

I am shocked that you’re paying for private education, and I say this as a mum with a child at an indie. Say that’s £20k a year. To get them just to year 6 is £120k. £240k once you add in the second child. Maybe £154k each for secondary. Approx £550k. Are you giving your DD1 the same support? What if DD2 has a third or even fourth? She’s having a luxury lifestyle without paying for it and seems happy to take your money. This is really quite shameful.

I suspect that you have neglected the needs of dd1 because she hasn’t asked for help and you’ve assumed that means she’s fine. She’s grown up with the dynamic that dd2 needs more attention and help so plays along with that.

It’s very strange that you can afford private schooling for multiple grandkids but live in a 3 bed house and that you didn’t tell dd2 that giving up her room for dd1 is the least that she can do. You’ve clearly provided an extremely comfortable life for her so much that she recklessly got pregnant again. I think that you’ve contributed to the deepening of the divide between the sisters imo. Are you like dd2 and a creative free spirit by any chance?

It sounds like the dynamic between you and your mother could have been repeated between you and your dd2. It sounds like she sees you younger than your years hence telling off.

If you’d posted about how to support a child who doesn’t seem to need supporting then you would’ve had more sympathy because that’s a more complex question but from a third person view, it’s easy to see why on the surface that dd2 is your favourite.