The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

School fees? You're paying for private school for your 4 year old grandson?! And you don't think there is anything valid in what your mum is saying? Have you offered DD1 anything financial to balance what you're spending on DD2? Just because she doesn't 'need' it on the day to day (and nor does your DD2 'need' private school fees paid!) doesn't mean she wouldn't benefit from a leg up towards a property for example, and I imagine your financial support of DD2 is going to run into the tens of thousands pretty quickly.

In this scenario I was DD1 - intelligent, well qualified, independent and self reliant. My sister was DD2 who had an unplanned child at 16 and another a few years later. She was more valued because she "gave" our parents grandchildren whereas I remained childfree. My parents announced they were leaving 2/3 of the estate to DD2. Well you can imagine what that did for the relationship. I gradually distanced my parents over the years and was not there when they died. My sister did the running round as they got older. She earned her 2/3 of the estate.

If you overtly prefer one child over another you will one day reap the bitter harvest you sow.

I think your mum could have handled it better but the bit that stood out to me was that you pay for DGS’s school fees.

I can sort of understand nursery fees as nurseries are expensive (although if they’re both working then surely your DD2 would have qualified for the free hours and the extras on top of that shouldn’t have been that high especially as DD2 isn’t paying rent). But how is DD2 ever going to be independent if you are paying for private school for a 4 year old. I earn well but am not able to afford private school for my children so how is a trainee hairdresser going to manage that with another baby and also the aim of taking on a mortgage etc?

I feel for your DD1. She's clearly worked hard at school and university, done very well and secured a good career. She lives independently from her parents. She sounds like a daughter anyone would be very proud of.

Yet it's your daughter who has made all the bad decisions in her life, including jacking in university and intending to have a lowly job in hairdressing( will she even do that when she has 2 children?) who gets rewarded by you by way of you paying for school fees( totally unnecessary!), providing a roof over her head and being taken on holiday.

Your D1 must feel very peeved indeed. The first thing you should do is visit her where she lives. Why should she make the effort to travel to see you when she hasn't even got a bed in your house? As several pps have said you need to add up all the school fees, other financial help and holiday costs and give the same amount to your DD1. Spring it on her as a surprise and say it's a reward for making great life choices and working hard. Continue to give her the equivalent each year for example.

At the moment it seems DD1 gets no recognition for having worked hard and doing well whereas D2 gets everything and more handed to her on a plate. I hope you told her how utterly irresponsible it is for her to have a second child in the position she is in.

I have two very different daughters too; 26 year old dd hasn’t made the best decisions over the years and dd2 that is very sensible with money. You give your children support. It’s not enabling. Other people are going to give their views and comments and no doubt they have behind closed doors with us but as a parent you know best. What are they wanting you to do turn your grandchild out on the street? Ignore your daughter’s calls? Siblings feel resentful of each other at times and that’s not unusual. Just keep communicating and tell interfering people to butt out.

My thoughts would be that DD1 doesn’t want to hang out with DD2, I would suggest one holiday a year which each child, plus go and visit DD1 independently. Just because you have asked DD1 to go on holiday doesn’t mean you’ve ticked a box to include her.

DD1 doesn't have to be jealous of your DD2 to be jealous of the situation. I was DD1, and I wouldn't have taken my sister's life for any amount of money. But I was jealous of the fact that everything revolved around her and her foolish choices.

You say that your daughter doesn't stay with you when she comes to visit 3x per year because there is no room left for her. She's been replaced in the house and the family unit.

How often do you make the trip to visit her? Is it 3x per year, or less? How often do you call her and see what's going on in her life? Have you offered to go on a trip with her that relates to her interests, rather than a 4 year olds?
Your older daughter is pulling away from you. She seldom visits and doesn't reach out. You wrote this, and still don't think that you need to do more for her.

If your mother believes that you having ‘cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young’ is wrong, what would she prefer you do? Punish your grandson for having a young Mum? Reduce his chances in life?

I wouldn’t pay school fees for him, as you are creating a rod for your own back with regards to future expectations. His parents need to be able to afford his lifestyle. I’d encourage them to get married and settle down together under one roof as a family asap.

Visit your older daughter and spend time with just her. See the life she is building for herself.

Which would have achieved what exactly?

There are some absolutely disgusting comments on this thread about DD2. Please ignore them and continue supporting your daughter and grandson. It is perfectly possible to do this whilst also taking on your mum’s point about increasing your support (in terms of time and money) to DD1 who probably does need a bit more from you. I would have a think about what you can do to build up your relationship with her (without involving your mum who sounds really quite unpleasant).

You have been making possibly long lasting mistakes in your parenting for 5 year already @Allosie. You fail to recognise this despite multiple comments to that effect here and even your own mum pointing it out. Instead, you accuse your mum of having favourites but fail to recognise that you, the mother, are the pot calling the kettle black!
No one would suggest that you should have turned DD2 out when became pregnant at 18 but you have gone totally over the top in terms of coddling her and not encouraging her to take any responsibilty for her actions whatsoever. Why, for example, are the couple not even living together 5 years after the first pregnancy? Does she claim benefits as a single parent while being fully supported? Why has she become pregnant a second time when both parents are still being supported by their own parents and apparently have no plans to change this situation? Why are you paying for private school fees for her DC? That's completely unnecessary, totally outside your 'I'm being equitable' explanation and frankly crazy given the situation.

DD1 may not want to be DD2 nor be jealous of her on a personal level but she can clearly see how your whole life revolves around her sister, how you are spending £££ on her and her DC, even to the extent of private school fees, while she receives nothing, how there is no room for her in your home, how you take her fantastic achievements for granted 'she's lucky', as if she woke up one morning and was just gifted all her achievements. This is not equitable treatment, not even close. It's blatant favourtism which has already damaged the relationship, resulting in her only visiting 3 times a year and then spending time with her grandparents and barely bothering to call you. Good for you mum in pointing this out in the hope of salvaging the relationship. Will you listen though or are you too wrapped up in precious DD2 and her DC?

i think you need to have a serious conversation with DD2 and her BF. How much money have they saved over the past 3/4 years. Given you have spare income. Would it be better for them to have a lump sum towards buying a property rather than private school fees/holidays. Do you want your grandchildren growing up only seeing their father once a week?

As others have said, why can't you spend one holiday with each of your DDs? It sounds as if you like the current set-up and are making excuses to not make that much of an effort with DD1. Hopefully your mum has given you a bit of a wake-up call.

You seem to have answered your own question in your second paragraph! There is a lot of ground between throwing out a teenage daughter who becomes pregnant and literally doing everything for them while concurrently ignoring the other DD, who she makes no effort to see and doesn't even accommodate her in her own house when she visits the area. If @Allosie had accommodated her DD2 initially, while encouraging her and her boyfriend to make a longer term plan, say within 1-2 years, to live together as a couple, pay their own bills, take responsibility for their own child, with some assistance with childcare, visited DD1 regularly, that would be equitable and reasonable. That's not what has happened though.

I am team mother and DD1 here.
You’re enabling this totally immature and irresponsible behaviour of your DD2.
By supporting her excessively and being her safety net, you’re preventing her from making the right choices and becoming independent, and ultimately provide for herself and her family and have a good life. You just keep postponing the problem.
Something similar in essence happened in my family. I was very driven and independent from a young age and my parents decided to disproportionally support one of my siblings who made different choices, enjoying life and living off family money. It did create divisions at the time but I have moved on and we get on well now. I have a much better life in all aspects and my parents realise they did my sibling a disservice by spoon feeding them and making them dependant.

The addition of school fees makes me think your mum is right you are enabling DD2 in her choices. Will you be helping with nursery fees for DGC2? At what point will DD2 have to stand on her own two feet? School fees are a luxury do you support a luxury of DD1?

I totally get the support you give your DD2 I would do the same but the line would have been drawn at getting pregnant again when not being self sufficient. She needs to move out and stand on her own 2 feet and accept the choices she has made. First time an accident. second time is just showing she has no respect for your time/ home or money . I wonder if she would have got pregnant again so soon if she knew she had to raise 2 children without so much support

Your Dd2 hasn’t chosen to be a mum, she has chosen for you to be a mum again, without your prior approval. Twice.
Once could have been a foolish accident, but not twice.

Ask yourself why you slipped happily into this arrangement dictated by Dd2 OP. Don’t you think that your two grandchildren would benefit from having two parents in their home? I know our children need help sometimes when they make mistakes but this Dd2 situation seems very selfish and entitled the way you have explained it. And you sound very passive.
How many children is she planning on having for you to finance and care for exactly ?

At what point do you get to assert your own wishes …..and time off to go visit or spend time with DD1.

Dd1 has launched herself successfully which is fantastic. I don’t blame her for staying away from a domestic situation where she can see her parents being used by her sibling for ever more.

Maybe she, your own mum has a point.
Or maybe you are delighted with having a second family of children to bring up with no ability to plan your own future.

At some stage, you need to ask yourself what is right for your grandchildren. What are they missing out on ?

Wow

So DD1 has pretty much cut you out of her life already and doesn't want to engage with you as a family eg family holidays. Does DD2 work? Why are you paying costs for her child eg school fees?

It sounds like DD2 can't afford the child she currently has, but is having another expecting you to keep propping her up. I'd be leaving the lot of you behind too if I was DD1.

Just to make you think a bit about your actions - DD1 is more independent because she knows she can't rely on you. You're probably so enamoured with the grandchild that DD1 never gets a look in.

So you pay for nursery, then schoo fees, you childmind you pay for holidays, you do this so dd2 can train in hairdressing and her and partner can save for a house? And then they get pregnant again?...get the feeling you're been taken for a mug!

Just to make you think a bit about your actions - DD1 is more independent because she knows she can't rely on you.

More parents should consider this tbh before they go on about their "independent and ambitious", or similar, daughters.

When it comes to school fees I feel this is equitable as it’s not money for DD2 but rather for DGS. When/If DD1 ever has children we will also happily pay any school fees if she wishes to privately educate her children.

When I say we see DD1 3x a year, 2 of those visits are us visiting her, the other is her visiting us.

I call her weekly but the chats tend to be short, she has a very active social life.

As for deposits etc. We have money for both ready for deposits on homes. DD2 wants to save some more as they want to keep living in this area and it’s quite expensive. DD1 hasn’t decided which country she wants to live in long term let alone thought about buying a house.

I don’t prefer either of my DDs over the other. They both have their own qualities and I’m proud of them both. I don’t ever doubt DD1s intelligence or hard work, obviously I’m very proud of her achievements. However I also feel pride in DD2, she had a much harder time at school than DD1 and I feel she has done well to build herself back up.

We have a 3 bedroom house but the 3rd room is now our DGS, of course DD1 is welcome to stay and we always ask DD2 to give up her room so DD1 can sleep there. However this always results in them quarrelling so DD1 prefers to stay at her grandparents.

I don't get the impression that the OP is unhappy with the situation. It doesn't sound as if she is unhappy about the second pregnancy at all, as most parents would be.

I just noticed this phrase in the OP 'a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister'. Obviously DD2 is more 'family orientated' when she is living with her parents and having everything sorted out by them, while her older sister isn't even given a bed for the night 3 times a year! It's not hard to be 'a fantastic mum' under these circumstances either, much harder if she was independent.

Really surprising answers....if you are there to give both your daughters what they need then you are doing what you should as a parent. What does your mum think that you are not doing for your eldest? Because if you aren't doing something that might be (the only) problem.

I'm sorry that your mum spoke to you like that. It doesn't seem fair to paint you as totally favouring a child rather than just tell you where you might be missing something with one of them.

Clearly you feel that everything is fine and equitable. The proof is in the pudding though, that your DD1 barely sees you and you only visit her once a year, which is pretty shocking compared to the amount of effort you make for DD2. Just don't be surprised if DD1 moves abroad and barely keeps in contact if you continue as you are. It is awful how many parents play favourties, cause damage within their family and fail to see it, even when pointed out clearly.