The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

If you can afford to pay private school fees for countless children, u don't understand why you aren't focusing that on getting your youngest into her own home with her child and partner there full time. SURELY you're grandson needs his father around now than he needs leakage education at 4. Is your daughter using the savings excuse to keep living at home for an easy life?

Sounds like Dd1 has been talking to your mother. You need to ask her how she's feeling and work out how to be closer to her

I don’t really see the problem other than your mum’s being a rude cow. Your DDs are both happy living their own lives, what’s the issue exactly?

Well clearly DD1 isn't happy, so her GM is advocating for her.

I hope you have put aside equivalent amounts to the school fees etc that is ring fenced for DD1, as otherwise when the time comes it may not be available.

I haven't voted on this yet as I think I can see all sides, but I do think OP, your mother is being harsh atm. However I imagine she's thinking how this will pan out down the line.

I agree with the above, it may be that DD2 will always need more, but what I am wrestling with is does this really matter?

It only matters in comparison to DD1?

DD2 may have the qualities that keep people together and grow families. Not saying DD1 doesn't have those qualities, but just because DD2 has had a child young and has required more family 'teamwork' doesn't actually make her wrong.

I mean isn't it wonderful that they are different to each other and bring different qualities to the family?

Is there any way you can sit down with your mother and explore all this calmly? both sharing views but without imposing them on the other? Maybe tell your mother that her viewpoint is valuable just like having 2 very different daughters is valuable to you and that all you need is to find some common ground. Maybe reassure her that you will consider all she's said and look to be sure that DD1 receives equal support and interaction from you, even if it's in a different form or based on quality over quantity. Perhaps suggest to your mother not to make long term decisions and allow this to develop over time and all the while keeping communication between you.

I feel for you in the middle of all this and I'm sure you are not favouritising one over another, it doesn't sound like that's your intention.

YANBU

How you parent is none of your mother’s business, unless there’s a safeguarding risk etc. Of course, a grandparent might kindly and tactfully encourage a parent to consider a GC’s pov or even, at a push, advocate a little on their behalf.

But your mother shouldn’t be creating a further rift. Unless there’s more to it, no one’s done anything terrible. Life’s too short. She should look for the good in her family, rather than look to criticise. It sounds like both your daughters are healthy and happy. She sounds judgemental and snobby about DD2.

However, IMHO better for your GC to live with their dad as well as their mum, unless DD2 doesn’t want to live with her boyfriend for some reason. As a couple, they should be responsible for creating a home for their kids.

If any of my DC refused to be at the same family gatherings or support each other, I’d kindly explain how it sad makes me feel. Better to agree to disagree and move on or chat it through and move on. Health, family and friends are what’s important in life.

I think that is different though as it’s a genuine need. Someone with severe to moderate autism (or the type we now think of as such - it seems to actually be four separate conditions under the same umbrella) isn’t going to be able to go out there and be fully independent, and also
is unlikely to be able to be a good parent! Incidentally don’t think your brother can be ‘high functioning’ if he needs high levels of support, I know many high functioning autists and they are all things like highly successful lawyers, professors, financiers etc.

Do you have siblings? It would be interesting to hear about the dynamics of your mum, you and your siblings!

but I wonder if you've had the experience of being DD1 that many PPs have.

I am the DD1 in my family, but I don’t seem to feel the same way about it that others do.

Without going into too much detail, my siblings have absolutely had more financial and emotional support than I have, but I don’t resent it for a moment.

I am fortunate to be in a good financial position, with a loving and supportive husband. I have 3 healthy children. There is nothing more I could ask or hope for.

I know for certain that my parents would absolutely have given me the same level of financial and emotional support, should I have needed or asked for it. But I didn’t.

It doesn’t follow that just because I didn’t need financial and emotional support, that my siblings should be denied it. Now that would be unfair.

There is no favouritism in my family. That isn’t to say that favouritism doesn’t exist in other families - it absolutely does - but I just don’t see it in the OP’s situation.

I do, however, think the fact that the eldest DD lives in a different country plays a role.

I’m really sorry @Blueyrocks—just so sorry. I’m on page 34 of this thread and I couldn’t find your original comment. I tried.
If you ever need a friend, a real friend, a true friend, a sister - I’m right here. ❤️
You can count on me.

The only way you can know is by asking DD1 directly. Maybe DD1 is your mothers favourite. It doesn't mean DD1 has said anything to her about her own feelings. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like she has a problem with the current set up.

I think you should explain the conversation with your mum to DD1 and ask her directly how she feels.

So you are projecting your own situation, which sounds completely different (loving family, who you are confident would do anything for you, no favourtism in your family, different circumstances wrt your siblings) onto this thread, a completely different scenario.

This DD1 appears to have spoken to her GM. What a shame that her own mother hasn't bothered to do so! The mother admits that she was given less support, praise and encouragement than DD2 throughout her childhood, despite her achievements. Her sister, without any SEN, is supported to a ridiculous extent in every way, despite now having a second pregnancy without even living with the father, nor making any plans to do so, while she gets a visit ONCE a year. The sister is jealous, behaves horribly to her and monopolises all the attention. She has likely moved abroad to escape from the toxic family dynamic. I wonder if her GPs weren't in the area whether she would bother to visit her parents at all. A sad and wholly avoidable situation.

I’m reading each of your updates with my jaw on the floor. Your daughters’ broken relationship is their parents’ fault- you obviously created an environment at home that fostered resentment, jealousy, a lack of compassion and favouritism.

What your DD2 said to her sister is slut shaming and pretty unforgivable as far as sister relationships go. I can’t see your DD1 has treated her sister in any comparable way - all older sisters are distant in their teen years with younger siblings, and then they tend to get close again in late teens/20s- that’s expected. But at the point their relationship should have recovered, you were showing clear favouritism to DD2 and weren’t checking her obvious jealousy of her older sister.

It’s embarrassing that you can’t see how you are enabling and rewarding your DD2s very obvious character flaws. She gets jealous that DD1 is talking about herself during her one visit a year - but that’s normal for family to want to hear about the one that’s gone away living an exciting life in Paris. Whenever my siblings have lived elsewhere, their life and their new country is the dominant topic of conversation. It’s certainly a more interesting topic than our boring hometown we all already know inside out.

Your DD2 being pregnant again while living with mummy and daddy (without her partner) is not something to be rewarded or treated as normal behaviour. She’s like a little girl playing families/ motherhood- being shielded from growing up by her willing parents. One unexpected pregnancy is a mistake - two is just poor life choices. You’re allowing and funding her immaturity and poor decisions at your family’s expense. I hope that cost and the fractured family bonds are worth it in the end.

Also if my adult child who was living with me in my home, taking up two of my bedrooms, refused to be in the house when her sister visited, I’d kindly tell her where to go. She can take that meanness to someone else’s house permanently because in my house we welcome everyone, especially our family. If you wouldn’t have let her behave like this as a child, why let her behave like this as an adult child still living at home?

The fact that your DD2 feels comfortable excluding and making your other daughter feel unwelcome in your own home tells me everything I need to know about the home environment you’ve created OP.

This. Is dd1 your mums favourite per chance? Often gps can’t see past the first grandchild. I don’t know what choice you had with supporting dd1. But yeah she’s getting older now so maybe there is more balance to be had, but you can start to bring that in.

But I don’t think anyone is disputing that when DD2 fell pregnant her mum was right to step into help. Of course she should.

the problem is now that help has stretched to 5 years and the daughter is now a young adult and is happily living at home and not pushing to move out with her boyfriend. She’s so comfortable, in fact, she’s chosen to get pregnant again rather than get a job and earn money to provide for her own child. dD2 is essentially completely dependant on her mother now with no end in sight. It sounds very much like the OP enjoys this situation having her daughter and grandchild living with her. That is fine but the problem is that means it is at the expense of being there for DD1.

No, she was to spend Christmas with her own husband at her home and dinner with her in laws, as they'd already decided. My parents decided that THEY would extend an invite to her without checking with me. I said no, because they'd all have to stay with me and I have a small 2 bed bungalow. So they wanted there to be 6 adults, a newborn baby, my dog, their anti social dog who would have to be separated from the others and my sisters dog. And I would be expected to do Christmas lunch as well as host all the guests for a couple of nights, having just given birth.

I said that's not feasible, space wise. So my parents changed their minds because making sure they saw my sister over Christmas was more important to them than seeing me and my newborn.

I've read all of OPs posts. She could help set up DD2 in her own home to raise her children and still be a village for her, but is choosing to pay private school fees for a 4 year old and squirrel away money for future children's school fees instead.

Priorities are well screwed up.

The difference is, that you're always handily ignoring when I tell you, is that many of us who relate to DD1 did not (and still don't) get the emotional support we needed from our parents, because they didn't think we needed it, while they lavished it on the one they think needs them more.

Not a single person is saying stop providing another child with support because one looks like they don't need it. They're saying provide the support both of them need and see what you're doing as a mother, before it ends up like we are; approaching middle age with our own children and wondering whether the distance should become more permanent.

I don't think a single poster has said OP should not support DD2
Just not to this extent.

After more recent updates I went back to the first post and read it again.

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel as if your family is fractured - it is. I would be amazed if there is much healing from a row like that as young adults; it may be that their relationship is permanently broken; it’s at least seriously damaged. And I see why it makes you cling closer to dd2. I do wonder if dd2’s boyfriend is so awful that you are doing what many of us would and try to fill the gap for the sake of your grandchildren.

I hope for all your sakes that dd2 does sort herself out and live independently. Frankly I think it’s the only hope for some kind of rebalancing.

There are many posts on this thread of people saying OP is not being unreasonable and they know this as they are DD1 and then going on to explain is why their family is completely different to OPs ie they are not DD1.

Also lots of posts saying OPs mother is out of order but here is why she is correct.

Exactly. It's the imbalance.
And posters saying that DD1 is fine and doesn't need any support at present are missing the point that support doesn't always mean money or providing childcare.

While your adult child doesn't need any financial or practical support, they would probably still like some emotional support from you - that means cheering on their accomplishments, however small; taking an interest in their life; giving them a sounding board to talk about problems.

Does OP do any of these? No, she rings up once a week to make a brief call (hint - the call is brief, not because DD1 is busy, but because she's not getting what she needs out of the call and can't see the point); sees her infrequently and expects the visit to revolve round their grandchild (hint - if you only see your parents twice a year, then expecting the visits to revolve around you and not your nephew is not being selfish).

Im DD1 in your example.

At 36, I now don't have a relationship with my mother or sister (equivalent of DD2, althpugh didnt have children as young).

I felt I had to have my shit together as my parents never had time for me to 'need' them because my sister took all of they're time. My sister has never become independent because shes never needed to.

Im not bitter about it anymore, but for a long time I felt a lot of resentment.

exactly- support for DD1 could be as simple as jumping on the Eurostars every 4-6 weeks for a weekend to spend time with her. Get some lunch, have a catch up , peruse the shops and then head home. A bit of quality one on one time and then DD1 knows her mum is interested in her life. If my child was abroad and was as close as Paris I’d be there all the time!