The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

It's complex and they have different needs. Perhaps carve out some time to take elder daughter on holiday or something to even it up a bit. I can see why the elder daughter might feel left out.

👏

That's what I thought. It would be good if @Allosie could clarify this.

I would have been DD#1 and my younger (by two years) sister like your DD#2.

My sister is the more successful of the two of us now in my eyes 24 years on. Went on the marry the dad of the teen pregnancy, they had more amazing kids. My parents helped them along the way with childcare. But they moved out early on and your DD2 should want the same.

I was the intelligent one, also the one with two failed relationships and a chaotic fall into addiction.

A good and happy life isn’t measured by qualifications and being there for your children doesn’t need to be measured or compared.

Our parents helped us when needed. They are equally proud of us today.

Well said.

@Allosie

"I don’t really know how to show more support to DD1 than we currently do"

You are not addressing the elephant in the room though, i.e. that your elder child may think she is not treated equally (despite you obviously thinking she has been blessed with all these attributes and is lucky!) have you had that actual conversation with your eldest?

This is a very different scenario, however. DD1 is still living with her parents but has become pregnant to her boyfriend for a second time. There is no word of the pair of them attempting to set up a home of their own.

She's 19. Give her a chance.

She’s 23. She was 19 when first pregnant, now she’s 23 and pregnant again.

She’s 23. She had a child at 19 and pregnant with her second now

@Allosie This strikes me as something which might be quite hurtful for DD1: "when she does come home she stays at her grandparents as we don’t have a large home".

[ETA Did the sisters formerly share a room, I wonder? If not and it's a three-bedroom home, surely DD1 should be able to sleep in the third bedroom? Or am I mistaken and DD1 is choosing not to return home?

How will the family cope with three adults and two children in the one house?]

I now see that the boyfriend is at least saving up to buy a home and is providing for his first child to an extent - but really, the pair were wrong to conceive another child if they're still both relying on their parents.

Well my cousin had support from her parents with her first son . My point is that she went on to meet someone and make a really successful life. This young woman might too. 23 is young. Now if she went on to have a third, fourth pregnancy I really would think....oh dear, this isnt right. But she may well do ok in the long term.

Of course it's possible - I know people who were pregnant at 18 or 19 and went on to have a very successful life. However, I've never heard of someone successful having successive pregnancies to the same man and continuing to live off their parents - that really is taking advantage of the parents.

Im assuming the grandchild now has what used to be dd1 bedroom.

This. My support and childcare for dd2 would be heavily focussed on qualifying and finding a job, so she can be independent. Thats love- helping them grow up and stand alone. And gently suggesting her ‘partner’ doesn’t do any partnering and she can do better. If I were you I’d book a trip to dd1 - when did you last do that? And if it’s been a while, what was the constraint? Your caring responsibilities for the grandchild?

I have more questions than answers

Is there no space for DD1 to stay at yours then? You say you only see her 3 times a year when she comes home but she stays at grandparents. I am presuming grandson has taken her old room? Do you not every day to DD2 right you need to bunk in with grandson and let DD1 have your room for the weekend etc? Or is DD1 always expected to be the one to make adjustments etc?

It's your DD1 bday coming up and her nan has planned to go and visit her for it. Had you? Had you said can we come up on xx dates, stay in a hotel and take you out for dinner (with or without DD2 coming).

Or is it a case you just see it as DD1 isn't coming to visit home for her bday so we are not celebrating together.

You mentioned you pay for grandson nursery fees. So DD2 is paying little or no rent, and things being paid to make her life easier. Are you helping DD1 financially in the same way to make her life easier. Just because she is more independent and has a good paying job doesn't mean you shouldn't be thinking how to make things fair.

You mention you invite DD1 on holidays with DD2 and grandson, but you know they don't get on and never had. Do you think that appeals to DD1? Have you ever said to DD1 id love to spend some quality time with you, is there a holiday we can do together (that may not be suitable for DD2 and children to join) and you go alone with DD1?

These may all seem petty or vein/monetary or 'grabby' from your perspective but there will be underlying favouritism felt by DD1 if she is also expected to fit in with what suits DD2 life e.g. holidays that are child friendly focus.

She clearly has expressed her views to grandma who is trying to help you see this?

I assume you have plenty of money as you have been so generous to DD2. If you can, I think you should even things up financially and give DD1 the same amount of money you have given to DD2. This will make DD1 feel equally valued and she will need it to buy her own place.
You should also apologise thst she has nowhere to stay at yours and invite her on a separate holiday.

Love is support, show it and go visit her.

This exactly!!

Support is not drama or trauma based. You are having to support DD2 through this. I won't pass judgement to not distract from my point.

When did you last have one on one time / calls with your first daughter? Literally a part of the conversation about her? Organise something to do with her? ASK about her? She will obviously be making all the right noises regarding the family and things you are interested in.

She wasn't "blessed" with everything and has clearly worked hard to get to where she is.

What would 'recovering your family' actually look like?

Glad you weren't my parent. I'd be deeply ashamed to admit it with your views.

I think your choice of wording reveals your true feelings. You say the bf “provides for our grandson”. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to phrase it that he provides for his son? You seem to see your grandchild as yours more than his. Meanwhile, your actual second child cannot even visit you anymore in the family home as there is not enough space for her.

I think you infantilise your DD2 and maybe her bf too. Maybe they were kids at 19 when she got pregnant the first time, but not now. They can’t afford to fully support the one child they already had yet they are expecting another? I think you should reflect on what your mother has said, thought maybe she was too blunt. Your relationship with DD1 is just as important as your relationship with your grandchild surely. I can definitely see why she could feel excluded and it’s to her credit that she’s not guilt tripping anyone about this. She has withdrawn emotionally from a no doubt painful situation.

The second pregnancy really shouldn’t have happened considering the lack of space in your house and the fact that neither DD2 or her bf can afford to even pay nursery fees without help for the child they already have. To have a second accident if that’s what it was shows a lax attitude to contraception. It’s obvious a family decision but I would say it’s time your daughter & her bf moved in together - hairdressers are not tied to one geographical location after all. If they can’t afford to buy yet then they should rent. If they can’t afford to rent then what were they doing allowing a second pregnancy? You seem to have endless empathy for DD2 but that was just irresponsible. You shouldn’t forever be protected her from the consequences of her decision making & I would be saying the house is too small for another child. You need to be making plans to buy/rent a place with your bf over the next year.

Are you saving or giving the same financial assistance to dd1 as dd2? You need to be. To be a fair parent, dd1 should have the equivalent in nursery/school fees, holiday spend, bills, any subsidies you give dd2. Treat them alike. At the moment it’s all lip service. Dd1 must feel SO pushed out that she can’t stay at home and family holidays are thrown at her younger sister. It’s such an insult to her hard work and good decisions.

I would. I don't blame the other daughter for not visiting much.

All of this. I doubt the OP will see it like this, though.