The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Why have DD2 and her partner not flown their respective nests to set up their own family life? They have a child together and another on the way and they see each other a day a week?

I'm getting the feeling that you're infantilising her and reveling in grandparenthood a little too much. Keeping her living with you probably suits you.
Meanwhile, DD1 presumably hasn't provided you with grandchildren yet, so she's become the less important DD.

My own children are similarly different in nature, though the more chilled one is married with children, whie the other doesn't have, and almost certainly won't have children.
I am scrupulous in ensuring that, though my grandchildren are the apples of my eye, that I treat both daughters the same. That they get the same amount of love, care, time and consideration.

I'm only too aware that their personality differences could potentially mean that they grow apart, especially when I'm no longer around. So I positively foster their relationships and our family connection. The very last thing I'd do is anything that would make one resent the other, or feel hurt that they're not as loved or important to me as the other.
Given your living arrangements, you need to put vastly more effort into your relationship with DD1.

I'm sorry, but in the nicest possible way (?) you need to give your head a wobble! What exactly is the father of these children doing? To provide for his offspring? To give them a roof over their head? To actually bloody parent, if he spends only one night a week at your house? As for your youngest daughter, she needs a kick up the backside! Pregnant AGAIN, and still living with mammy and daddy??? WTAF???

Moronic? There is no ideal age to have a child. I was nearly 40 when I had my only child but I think if I could turn back time, mid 30's would have been easier for both of us.

Me and my Sister are nothing alike. There’s quite a few years between us and tbh I don’t get her . I don’t understand her and if we wasn’t sisters we wouldn’t be friends . We talk to each other but we are not buddies .

Amd you know what … that’s ok !!! It’s not the end of the world. We rub along , but we don’t HAVE to be best of friends. There’s no law and you haven’t failed as a Mum .

Having a child at 19 and dropping out of uni: fine it happens and you need to support them. 4 years on and they aren't living with the father as a family but are expecting a 2nd with him I'd be wondering wtf is going on.

Having lived this, you are being unfair. Sorry to say. And DD1 probably resents DD2 (and you) for it. I did.

I think she’s going in her own birthday.

Your mother should keep out of it. You have 2 daughters,completely different. The younger one needs you more at the moment. You are a good mum who supports her. Who knows in the futuredd1 will need you and I am sure you will support her.
The problem seems to be the relationship your daughters have with each other.

🤮

I have seen threads on Mumsnet before, started by people who believe that as they had achieved more than there siblings in life, that they should essentially be acknowledged more/entitled to more/rewarded/loved more etc by their parents, over their siblings. They are vey jealous and resentful over any support (financial or otherwise) given to siblings who they deem not as worthy as them.

This is the vibe I get from your eldest daughter, who has clearly been talking about you and her sister to your mother.

Your mother is massively out of order here, but I feel this is very much driven by your eldest.

You have two daughters, who are very different, lead very different lives and have very different needs. As a result, your relationship with them will also be different.

I wouldn't be withdrawing support for your youngest to please your eldest. She shouldn’t be putting you in that position, especially when it is clear that there is plenty of love and support to go round. Your eldest hasn’t needed to lean much on you yet, but who knows what the future holds.

I’m really not sure what the answer is. There is no simple solution when dealing with personalities prone to jealousy and resentment. But supporting your younger daughter less is not it.

I think the person to check in about this is dd1. Tell her a bit of what her grandma said and say it got you to wondering if there might be truth in it for her. Listen to what she says without defending or explaining.

I think I would want to be demonstrating to dd1 that she is still important and that you can be there for her too

Your dd2 needs to plan to be self sufficient. Encourage it. It will do her all power of good when you’re dead and gone.

I bet you will be equally supportive of your dd1 if she ever needs your help.

No kid is the same.

Good on you for stepping up when needed.

Two things stand out to me:

You, your DH and DD2 have effectively created your own family unit. That setup functions like a family with young kids, not a mature family with adult children as would have naturally happened. Imagine how left out DD1 feels. She’s moved on with her life, as an adult should, and you’ve created a unit that she can’t be part of unless she doesn’t move on.

DD2 needs to grow up and move on, either with her partner or just the kids. She won’t though, because you’ve replaced the need for her to do it.

Also you’ve talked about what your kids need. DD2 continually creates a situation where she needs you more. And it doesn’t mean D1 doesn’t want equal love and attention, even if it’s delivered differently. But she isn’t getting a look in.

Id tell your mum to stick it. You sound like a lovely mum yourself. You're daughter at home will develop ss time goes on.

My cousin had a kid at 19. She then met another guy, married him, and had 2 more kids. Now, 25 years later, she's a wonderful mum, all her kids are balanced and doing well, she has a gorgeous house and runs s successful business with her husband. So you are wrong.

I assume part of the problem is that DD1 is independent meaning when she has an issue she sorts her own life out and doesn't rely on you. So you need to make sure that you are equally supportive of DD1 and involved in her life when she doesn't need you to fix her problems.

It sounds like your relationship with Dd1 needs to be one of equal adults.

You don"t say what your relationship with DD1 is.

@Allosie

The only important consideration here is that both your daughters feel they are loved and supported in, what they perceive, equal measure

If either, feels a relationship disparity with you and your husband, then that is an issue and one which needs addressing.

It may be worthwhile having an honest conversation with both your children about the family dynamic as it seems your mother's criticism has struck a nerve?

Sometimes, we can't really see the wood for the trees @Allosie

eta; clarification

I seem to be in the I minority but I think you stepped up for help your youngest. We have 5 kids in our family and the youngest became a single mother with my parents helping with both money and time … none of us other 4 resent our parents for helping? In fact I am proud that we have compassion in our family.

the only thing missing for you I think is to speak to your eldest. Say her grandmother feels you have been unfair and does she feel this way? And if yes how does she think it can be corrected

Thank you all, we see DD1 about 3 times a year, she no longer visits us, when she does come home she stays at her grandparents as we don’t have a large home.

I don’t sense that DD1 is jealous at all, actually much the opposite, I often feel she shows pity towards DD2.

I don’t really know how to show more support to DD1 than we currently do, she was always the more self driven child. In some ways I think DD1 got very lucky, she is very intelligent, very beautiful and talented in many ways (music, singing, chess, sports). This has made life easy for her in some ways. While DD2 always struggled more, she wasn’t naturally inclined to be studious, jumped from hobby to hobby, was bullied in school.

When DD1 needed us the most (such as when her newly ex boyfriend took his own life when she was 20) we rallied around and supported her unconditionally. She just doesn’t need us in the same way DD2 does.

As for why DD2 is still at home, her boyfriend lives 2 hours away, he works and lives with his parents. They are saving to buy a home. He provides for our grandson but we are making up gaps, initially in nursery fees, now in school fees and extra curricular activities. We take them on holiday twice a year but DD1 is always invited she just never wants to join.

Sorry but your mums right. You allow DD2 to stay at yours, shes pregnant again, I assume she won’t be moving out so you will continue to support her with cash and time, why are you not encouraging her to fund her own place, with her boyfriend ?
You can still support with childcare if needed, but it will make her more self sufficient and realise life is tough

DD1 may not feel you are treating each of them differently, perhaps it’s one to actually ask her, but your mother obviously sees you providing far more support to your youngest with DD1 left to get on with it

Do you go and visit DD1? Or does DD2s childcare take preference? Does DD1 come and visit you? If not why not?

I would suggest a heart to heart with DD1 and see what she actually thinks

This.

I do think you need to talk to dd1 just to see how she really feels though.
Ignore your Mum, sounds like she’s stirring up trouble.
They are your daughters and I’m sure you are proud of both of them whatever their life choices.

So, because DD2 has one, soon to be two children (how is that affecting saving for a home, the second child?) there isn't even room for DD1 to stay with you. I'm going to guess the family holidays DD1 was invited on are quite chold centric and unlikely to have anything interesting specifically to DD1? When was the last time you tried to do anything JUST with DD1, that met her interests? You actually sound a bit resentful of DD1s talents, and that you think things have come a bit easy to her--she will know that, I assure you. Even though she is talented, she will also have had to work bloody hard to get where she is.

What your mum has said will have been hard to hear but you should stop and think about it if you want any kind of relationship with DD1.

I have someone close who had a baby in her teens, her parents have always pandered to her, baby sitting, living with them, them giving her money, same with her second child. She still lives with them in her 50’s, has never worked more than part time. The best thing you can do for a child is to encourage independence for everyone’s sake.

I think the favoritism is fairly blatant but I don’t think it’s mean spirited…though impact is often more important than intent in difficult family relationships.

You take DD2 on two holidays, of course DD1 doesn’t want to come along as the outsider on those trips that are probably centered around the needs of DD2 and your grandchild. Why not take DD2 on one trip and then take DD1 on her own separate trip based on her interests?

Of course DD1 stays with her grandparents when she visits, you no longer have space for her and I’m guessing it’s only going to get worse with the addition of a second child.

You are funding nursery fees, school fees and vacation fees and enabling DD2 to save for a house. I’m hoping that you have matched this amount as DD1 will need to buy a house at some stage and I’m sure she wouldn’t want to burden you but it would probably go a long way in showing equitable treatment if you offered it to her.

Resentment doesn’t build in healthy families because one child is helped more in a time of need, but when only one child is helped and when the time of need has been at least 4 years and now with the new pregnancy likely to be another 4, it signifies that there are much deeper issues going on.

Yes, it seems to me that DD2 is relying a great deal more than she should on her parents. I cannot understand why she and her boyfriend aren't trying to make a life together if they have gone on to have a second child.

So far as the OP's mum is concerned, I suspect that DD1 might have told her grandmother that she's feeling a bit unwanted.

@Allosie herself has said that "DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us." It seems quite likely that DD2 will have voiced something similar to her grandmother and that she is actually trying to help by telling @Allosie of her concerns.