DH has really upset me! AIBU??

[CustartWithMustard]

I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD. I’m not the cleanest, tidiest person in the world, but it revolves around food hygiene and hygiene in the kitchen. When I was a child, I’d struggle to eat food if I’d seen someone touch it.

As an adult, it does affect me, but in different ways. When we go to stay with friends and family, I have to actively avoid watching them make the food because when I’m there, I notice everything, and I have seen some disgusting things over the years that I think other people just aren’t picking up on, but I’m hyper aware. For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

Anyway, I struggle watching DH in the kitchen, which I appreciate isn’t nice for him. He is cleaner than many people, but will sometimes put something in the bin, touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food. Maybe others are okay with this, but it grosses me out.

Tonight, DH was in the kitchen whilst I unloaded the dishwasher. He said he was going to help me, I said, “I’ll just unload the dishes because you’ve just touched the bin.” I appreciate I must sound like a lunatic by now, but anyway, DH got really annoyed and was speaking to me in a really angry way in front of the kids who are 12 and 11. I asked him to please stop but he kept going. DD’s were already leaving the room when it started but they left and he continued on at me saying “stop being a total psychopath!!!”

I know I’m totally flawed and at fault, but I’ve been having trouble with the way my DD’s talk to me, and I really wanted him to stop because in my opinion, this just gives the the green light to speak to me badly!

Ive finished up with the dishwasher and have comes upstairs to bed. I’ve had such a hard day with the girls and now this. I know you’ll all probably say it’s me, but I’m just so sad and feel alone, I’m willing to take the risk of getting totally flamed, just to offload.

What help are you getting for your anxiety?

Missing the point really but why don’t you get a bin that you don’t have to touch? I only touch my bin if I’m emptying or cleaning it.

Your DH was a twat, but what help are you getting to get passed this because it is massively ott

You know you have an issue and this will impact your children. What are you doing to get help because whatever you’ve tried in the past clearly hasn’t helped? It’s the kind of thing that causes issues for children to grow up with and that relationships end over. You need to do something to help yourself with it.

All that said, it’s not acceptable to be spoken to how your husband spoke to you and for that to be in front of your children. It sounds like you both need to work on behaviours that need to change and ensure form boundaries so that your children know what is unacceptable when talking to others.

Tbf I don't think it's excessive anxiety to not want someone to touch clean dishes with a hand they've just touched the bin with and not washed.

You both sound a bit unreasonable tbh.

He shouldn't have called you names.

You shouldn't expect the solution to your difficulties to be for everyone else adapt their behaviour.

It sounds like you need help with your OCD, have you seen a GP?

I'm not judging you because I'm exactly the same. My DH will open the bin and go to open the dishwasher and I say "wash your hands after the bin". I got one of those hands free soap dispensers for the kitchen because raw chicken is a nightmare and I didn't want anyone touching the soap after it.

The difference is that he doesn't get offended. He sometimes laughs and calls me a germaphobe.

I'm not like this with anything else and it's not really a big deal overall. In my opinion there's nothing wrong with some extra hygiene around food.

Talk about missing the point.

This is the straw that broke the camels back.

@CustartWithMustard my husband has OCD in the kitchen. To the point it's lunacy. This is a you issue not a him issue. It's not nice being on the receiving end of this type of behaviour and it does lead to shouting and snapping.

In my opinion there's nothing wrong with some extra hygiene around food.

How far does that extend though? Does everyone have to comply with OP's rules forevermore?

It must be hard for him to live with your comments over next to nothing. He shouldn’t speak to you badly at all, let alone in front of your children, but he shouldn’t let your extreme hygiene rules become normalised in front of them either.

You need to focus on your OCD being the problem that needs to be resolved, not your DHs ability to cope with it calmly 100% of the time.

He shouldnt have spoken that way to you but it sounds like he is at the end of his line, as you sound like a lot. Appreciate its a mental health issue but are you actually getti g help with it? Its unfair to expect others to just accept it, hopefully you are getting support in managing ir?

are you getting ongoing help with the OCD ?
whilst I have loads of sympathy for anyone living with this hideous condition I also have sympathy for those who have to live with you

it’s absolutely head recking and would test the sanity of of a saint. He should not have shouted but surely you get how your hyper vigilance needs to be kept to you and not vocalised to anyone else

rule number 1 of it ocd its a YOU problem not something the family need to accommodate

Oh @CustartWithMustard you poor thing - you seem so anxious and stressed. I think maybe you might benefit from a little therapy and I mean this most kindly. Your DH could possibly be a bit more understanding but really, it would be so liberating if you could free yourself from this. Maybe look into this. There’s hygiene and there’s obsession and maybe you’ve gone over the line. You seem to imply that you know you have? What do you think?

We have a bin that just holding your hand over it opens the lid. Then it closes itself. No touching it.
Our granddaughter is like you hates watching anyone cooking and cleaning up after.

Meanwhile millions of people probably do this all the time... with what consequences exactly? None. There are bacteria everywhere, not just on bin lids. You have an immune system. I wonder if people who are obsessive about hygiene are ill less often than people who aren't. I seriously doubt it tbh. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the opposite were true. If the OP stayed out of the kitchen and remained oblivious while her dh was cooking, it's very unlikely that any negative consequences would occur.

It’s really difficult living with someone who is ocd about something they can’t even see and have no evidence is causing any harm. We can’t live without germs and need them to a degree. We cannot sanitise our entire environment completely. Touching a bin lid is not going to spread deadly germs and put the entire household in hospital fighting for their lives. It is irrational to obsess about ‘germs’ so much that it damages your relationships. I used to have a neighbour who had a black and white checked rug in her living room and you were only allowed to walk on the black squares because ‘germs’. It was bloody ridiculous playing flipping hop scotch just to walk across the room. That’s how obsessed some people have become about so called ‘germs’. Deadly bacteria yes we need to be cautious about but very few of us will have deadly bacteria all over our kitchen surfaces.

I mean I don't have issues but a lot of what you state sounds reasonable to me.
The bin is filthy so why on earth wouldn't you wash your hands if you touch it??
Licking fingers whilst cooking is also gross.
Putting a spoon back in food when it's been in your mouth is also fucking disgusting -akin to double dipping and only dirty scratters do that.

I must be the odd one out here because my kitchen bin isn’t filthy. I clean it every week, it doesn’t get anything spilled all over it, it’s not dirty, it doesn’t smell and I haven’t died yet.

The bin is filthy so why on earth wouldn't you wash your hands if you touch it?

Because the outside of my bin isn't filthy? Why is yours?

Same - why does everyone have filthy bins? I just open the lid, put the rubbish in and close it - my hand doesn't touch the contents and if anything does get spilled I just wipe it up? lol.

Bins aren’t necessarily filthy, mine aren’t. I doubt OPs is either given she is so meticulous about kitchen cleanliness.

We definitely need germs and living in a sterile environment is really bad for us. We have bodies that can handle, and need to handle, germs. If you are not exposed to germs your immune system will become under developed. It’s a problem also because that means we are more susceptible to developing allergies, particularly for children.

I don't think you sound strange at all. Touching the dirty bin and clean dishes isnt nice.

Even if you'd said don't touch pink then blue ...his reaction is cruel and unacceptable. Sorry OP ...he doesnt even understand the word he used.

Its a very small thing to accommodate...people having a hygienic approach to food. A life partner should want you to make home feel safe.

Very cruel behaviour

I understand this might be hard for him to live with, but

1. Bins are dirty. Things drip when you put them in etc
2. You didn't want him touching food then dishes but there were no consequences for him. You didn't ask him to do anything differently, you said you'd do the dishes. To me, that's not expecting him to deal with the issue, it's you dealing with thr issue in a way that impacts him as little as possible
3. Even if he is sick of living like this, shouting is not going to help, and he shouldn't be talking to you like that in front of the kids.

You say a life partner should want home to feel safe - what about the DH's need to live in a home where he's not constantly criticised and nit-picked?