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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lodger concerns

176 replies

Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:18

My lodger is having a hernia operation and there no sign of any family support

I work full time and don’t have time to be caring for my tenant who pays me rent, and for me it over steps the mark - he should be having family to help care for him or - or going to stay at family members where he can be helped and supported!

AIBU - to expect him To sort this out ?
AINBU - to leave him to it- as I be out working 8am to 6pm and have enough going on!
I feel like he expect me to sort his dinner and so on! Yet we don’t have any conversations or socialise - he rents a room games cooks and goes to work?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:20

wpuld you also try to message his mum- who had already apparently said she short staff at work so
won’t be able to do anything and said she send him a taxi to pick him up! But would he even be allowed out with no care or anything!

his step dad doesn’t work and hasn’t offered!

OP posts:
Chemenger · 16/01/2026 18:20

What care will he need? My brother lives alone and had a hernia operation, he didn’t ask for any help (from me, at least).

UnhappyHobbit · 16/01/2026 18:20

You are being unreasonable to jump to conclusions that he requires your help. You feel he expects it but yet you don’t have any conversations with him?

Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:21

I can only message his mum on messager as I know her name? But I get feeling whatever she says she prob ignore my message as a carer she should know this means he will need care and support

OP posts:
AlastheDaffodils · 16/01/2026 18:21

It’s not your responsibility. But as a decent human being, it might be nice to invite him to share your dinner as a one off, say something sympathetic on the morning of the operation, and ask him how it went

Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:21

I had conversations and he said he would be good if I could sort out his dinners and cook for him?

I made it very clear that wouldn’t be happening.

OP posts:
Protolashist · 16/01/2026 18:22

Has he actually asked for your help and support and does he need your help and support?

Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:22

UnhappyHobbit · 16/01/2026 18:20

You are being unreasonable to jump to conclusions that he requires your help. You feel he expects it but yet you don’t have any conversations with him?

I do agree but I am concerned what happens if he gets poorly or anything infected! The hospital have asked already to him
who help him for first 2-3 days due to no core work can be done eg getting out of bed?

OP posts:
Protolashist · 16/01/2026 18:23

Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:21

I had conversations and he said he would be good if I could sort out his dinners and cook for him?

I made it very clear that wouldn’t be happening.

Yeah, I’d tell him where to go.

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 16/01/2026 18:23

Errr no. Absolutely do not take on that role.

Is it day surgery as he will need a responsible adult to collect him and be with him for 24hrs

Arlanymor · 16/01/2026 18:23

I’m not sure - from what you’ve said - why you think he will have any expectations of you? Maybe as a nice gesture you could offer to take him some dinner up on a tray the first night - because even day surgery is painful and stressful. But from what you’ve said I don’t see what pressure he is putting you under? Presumably he’ll be in bed for a couple of days? It doesn’t sound like a big operation if they’re letting him take a taxi home.

Oh I’ve just read your update - this is why drip feeding is so annoying! In light of your update he does seem to want you to take on a particular caring role. I would say firmly that I couldn’t and ask him to make alternative arrangements.

Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:23

If he was my child - I would want to pick them up make sure they ok and get them
some ready meals in?

OP posts:
TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 16/01/2026 18:24

Why would you contact his parents? How old is he?

Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:24

They not letting him take taxi home, they told him someone has to pick him up - this is case in in operations - I working till 10pm training counsellors

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 16/01/2026 18:24

Unless your lodger has asked you for help, you are being unreasonable. Why are you assuming they will want your help, that they haven’t arranged for someone to help already and why/how do you know so much about his parents? That’s literally none of your business.

Now if he has the op then starts asking you for help, you can either say you’ll help with the one thing one time whilst he sorts out family help, or you refuse completely.

An alternative to this is to talk about his op up front - maybe ask how they’re feeling about the up coming procedure and have they got everything the need for afterwards sorted out? Ask how long they have been told to expect support, and for what sort of things. But only do this if you are close enough to have this type of conversation.

Fitzcarraldo353 · 16/01/2026 18:25

Don't message his mum! You can and should be very clear that you won't be supporting him but then let him work it out. It's totally inappropriate to message his mum.

SpryLilacSnake · 16/01/2026 18:26

Absolutely do not message his mum, he's an adult and not even your friend, that's hugely overstepping. Let him get on with it and anything he asks for you either say yes if you are willing and capable or no if you are not.

If it was me I'd probably ask if he wanted anything from the shops or needed a cup of tea bringing up once in a while but you are under no obligation to do any more than you wish to.

Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:26

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 16/01/2026 18:23

Errr no. Absolutely do not take on that role.

Is it day surgery as he will need a responsible adult to collect him and be with him for 24hrs

This but his mum said she working so can’t do anything - and step dad hasn’t been asked!

i work out of house 8-6 then Tuesday Thursday it’s 8am to 10pm so no one will be around for those 24/28 hours

OP posts:
shouldofgotamortage · 16/01/2026 18:26

He needs to tell the hospital he has no support. Do not step in, you are not his mother nor his friend your his landlady. Highly inappropriate unless there is some kind of friendship there?

Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:28

His mum is his only family and she made it very clear she wouldn’t helping out as she is working care home and is short staffed

what happens if he needs help? I am out all day long Monday to Saturday

OP posts:
tipsyraven · 16/01/2026 18:28

He needs to tell the hospital he doesn’t have any care at home. At the very least they will keep him overnight. Then he can go to his mum’s in a taxi.

Jellybunny56 · 16/01/2026 18:30

Will he really need any support? Obviously it depends on any other health issues but my husband had a hernia op a few years ago and didn’t need any kind of assistance really, he was sent home with blood thinning injections which he asked me to do for him as he felt icky injecting himself but that was all the support he needed/asked for. He did need me to collect him from the hospital but there are lots of people who don’t have anyone to do that and the hospital find a solution- whether that means keeping him the extra night or arranging patient transfer etc. He will not be the first or last patient who is in this position.

Arlanymor · 16/01/2026 18:30

He needs to tell the hospital he won’t have anyone to take him home and no support at home. They can help organise temporary convalescent care.

Mangledrake · 16/01/2026 18:31

He's not going to need dinner made for him - sure it would be nice, but it's not necessary.

It would be considerate to make sure there's room in the freezer for him to leave prepared food, and (if possible) to allow him to have someone to stay a night or two to help him out. Also to be a bit quiet during the day for a day or two. These are decisions that come within your remit as a landlady.

He shouldn't ask any more of you then that (and can't demand these things as a right) and you shouldn't contact his parents or anyone else outside an emergency.

His boundaries sound off but you won't fix that by crossing boundaries yourself.

Original poster
Hockorydickerydock · 16/01/2026 18:31

Mangledrake · 16/01/2026 18:31

He's not going to need dinner made for him - sure it would be nice, but it's not necessary.

It would be considerate to make sure there's room in the freezer for him to leave prepared food, and (if possible) to allow him to have someone to stay a night or two to help him out. Also to be a bit quiet during the day for a day or two. These are decisions that come within your remit as a landlady.

He shouldn't ask any more of you then that (and can't demand these things as a right) and you shouldn't contact his parents or anyone else outside an emergency.

His boundaries sound off but you won't fix that by crossing boundaries yourself.

He has no support - his mum has said no end off!

OP posts:
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