Question for Clique Mums or those who have dealt with them

[Aadamsfamily]

I have my suspicions but please help a girl out.

New to the school, I was showered with a lot of interest from a particular mum (the head mum), and although suspicious of her motives, I accepted her invitation in an attempt to comfort my child before the term started at the new school.

Though still suspicious, everything seemed to be going well. We went out outside of school a few times, she watched over my kid. At times I felt massively uncomfortable and exhausting as there seemed to be a desperate attempt to include me in this circle of people but everyone was so … nice. But then there were weird things like, I was gently scolded for asking for help from others and not this particular mum and I also noticed, stories about her personal life and preferences didn’t quite match what I saw.

And one day, it all abruptly stopped. All of a sudden really busy, all of them particularly the henchman. They all went from being kind and messaging back and forth to an abrupt end. It was bizarre considering I had been out for dinner with them and everything seemed fine. And in all honesty, they weren’t bitchy people. They never did talk ill of people but instead just talked about fun experiences and shared stories.

Cant for the life of me get play dates with my child, I’ve stopped asking across the board. All of a sudden too busy to see me but I sort of know their schedule, none of them work.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m not wealthy. They’re very wealthy.

One of them, will take my child out according to whenever it suits them, and then when we ask, no reply. But I know this person literally has their phone on their face all of the time.

School runs are a bit weird now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach them anymore therefore avert my eyes.

The only other thing I can think of is that the head of the gang doesn’t like a particular parent and I was once speaking to that person. That being said, strangely as when it suit the mood of the main one they will be so warm and hug me.

I’m just confused and it’s just a bit weird.

I don’t mind in the sense that I found the outings exhausting and I like to mostly sit at home and read book after book after book, in my pyjamas, no bra and just wrapped in a blanket.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not trying to figure out what went sideways but I genuinely can’t think of what I did wrong. 😑 However I do know in my old school, this happened to other mums that I was friends with so I know it happens. I just wonder whether they were just measuring me up and then disposed of me once they were done with me.

i did notice at one of the outings, the useful mums were invited. Those with some status whether it be in school or in their private life.

When you say she watched over your child and that others took your child out, did you reciprocate?

I have no experience of this, but just wanted to say that it's quite delightful to see 'clique' spelled correctly instead of as 'click'.

It might be that they picked up on the fact that you don’t appear to like them very much.

I mean they made an effort with you and from the off you were instantly “suspicious.” I’d love to hear their side (if there is one, and you’re not massively reading in to things).

As an aside, why are grown adults buying into and reinforcing the concept of cliques. Bit lame.

This. What is a "clique mum" and a "head mum", for heaven's sake?

I can’t exactly say what this means because it will completely out me but there was massive reciprocating from my part but In a way that included all of her kids not just the one in my child’s year

"One of them, will take my child out according to whenever it suits them, and then when we ask, no reply"
I didn't really understand this sentence?

I don't think you'll ever know why they've dropped you tbh. We have a clique of mum's who were friendly in reception but over time have narrowed in on those whose faces fit. I think that's just how it goes unfortunately.

I'm sorry it's awkward at pick up. Can you focus your attention outside the group?

Cliques exist, it's disingenuous to imply otherwise. It's whether you see it as a personal attack or just the way life goes. We are never all going to be friends. And I say that as someone who is on the outside.

'Clique'

'Head mum'

'Henchman'

'Head of the gang'

Honestly I couldn't read any more. You come across as so very childish about a group of female friends.

I don't know why it went sideways as you put it, but you might want to start reflecting on your attitude a bit.

Thank you for redirecting that so I can focus on what I can do to move forwards.

Yes, I totally can and am. I have since been able to arrange play dates for my child with a group of solid children and it’s completely changed his character. It’s great.

i also focus on the mums group for my older child and I really enjoy their company. They’re simple and nice and not complicated .

i think it’s just something at the back of my mind that just wonders … why? If that makes sense ? But also a bit sad because on occasion I get asked by my child can I have a play date and I don’t know how to explain to them why they can’t …

That sounds like good for thought. Thank you. They’re not mean by any chance but they’ve made it very clear I’m no longer part of the group. And that’s okay but it’s just that part of me that wants to know why so I can close the curious side of me that exists. Truthfully, I’ll never know will I?

Thank you for sharing your opinion.

They could probably tell you were suspicious of them and saw nice behaviour as having ulterior motives, you must have given it away. Maybe one of them just said, one day " I don't think Aadams likes me very much," and they all realised you didn't like any of them. Maybe you didn't return any favours or invites. Maybe your DC said something that gave you away. We can't answer it but it does read as if you told yourself they were being nice for selfish reasons so you could give yourself an "out" and not have to be very nice in return.

It's very unlikely it's because you aren't wealthy or they are a clique, a little more reflection about why you persevered when you didn't enjoy their company and how that might come across, is the way forward.

Some people are just natural networkers. There’s an interesting essay by Malcolm Gladwell on Paul Revere exploring this. I see this behaviour quite positively and I appreciate the parents that are proactive and sociable.
You’d probably think I was in a “mum clique” if you knew me, but in reality, people are just friends. It’s not much deeper than that.

I think I know what you mean. I would see the main one as networking and I suspected maybe I was of no use to them which is why I was dropped.

I noticed they all helped out each other in ways that was useful to one another, services they would otherwise have to pay for because of their husband’s profession and I had not much to offer aside from what I could. Which may have not been enough.

thanks for that, I briefly thought about it and put it to one side and actually you might well be right.

That was what stood out to me too.

If you were immediately suspicious when someone tried to make friends, you're not going to have come across as wanting to be friends.
So they've made an effort to get to know you, found you didn't seem to want to be friends, so pulled away.

That's neither being a clique or being mean.

Thank you for that. That’s really useful and helps me to reflect on what part I played in it. Maybe my reluctance was much more visible than I realise? Maybe I just didn’t hide it very well. That being said, I always made a point to compliment each of them individually especially when they felt really down about themselves and made self deprecating comments. Maybe that wasn’t enough. And that’s okay.

I wonder if they picked up on all this “suspicion” and it made them uncomfortable? They seem to have reached out to someone new and instead of being grateful to have been welcomed it sounds like you were analysing their every move waiting for something to criticise. Why were you so suspicious of their motives?

You talk of a “desperate attempt” to include you in the circle which is an odd way to put it. You admit they all seemed nice and aren’t bitchy people so why give their being welcoming a sinister undertone?

And the “henchman”, “head of the gang”, “clique mums” talk honestly comes off as a bit bitchy.

I mean this with kindness but could your own feelings of inferiority have got in the way of these new friendships just a tad? Did their being wealthy bother you and make you defensive?

I find it’s usually mums who don’t work. I may sound awful but they have too much time on their hands. We all know the ones who seem to have no life. They arrive at school half an hour early to bag the best parking spot. I honestly think their life is just school run and gym and that’s it. They’re like Carmella Soprano. It’s kinda sad.

It reads to me like they welcomed you in but you never warmed up to them, judged them and there was insecurities and they sensed you're not comfortable with them so they distanced themselves. They sided together because they all felt that way or would rather focus on each other. You would rather do your own thing, so they are giving you space and backed off.

I have never experienced anything like as dramatic as this. I did some of the school runs and DH did some. I did the odd playdate and party, shared some lifts, got on well with some of the mums and was friendly towards the ones I didn't know very well. That was it really. It was the same at all three primary schools my children went to. It isn't as if you are going to the school yourself.

Have you watched Motherland? Maybe you should and then you can laugh at the shenanigans of the schoolgate mums. It's only for a few years, once your child has left primary school, you will never see these people again, so don't stress about it.

On the first dinner date, I apologised and explained to the head mum that I feel a bit wary of people naturally and we shared stories of our childhood. She seemed to understand and after that for about three months she continued to see me and invite me to things . So despite my discomfort I was forward with that and we connected on some level and that didn’t put her off.

Maube its just the way the text reads? It isn’t sinister in my voice but I understand emotion is lost through text. I suspected, that her child didnt have any friends, and I was sort of right. He struggled with friendships and was quick to throw other children under the bus. However I’m quite fond of her kid because they’re an interesting character whom I learned a lot from. And she explained that a lot of the other children have hobbies that her child just simply isn’t interested in.

I will 100% admit though when I realised how wealthy most of them were, I spoke to my partner about feeling inferior about it and we had a long chat about it and he explained I didn’t have to give anything in return or reciprocate. So I did it in my own way according to our financial situation

“Clique mum”, “head mum”?!!

Am I the only person who walks their kid to school, drops them off, exchanges pleasantries with anyone who fancies exchanging pleasantries, and then goes home / to work without giving it another thought?

Yep I binged on it . Have you watched amandaland? I binged on that too … though some parts were so cringe I had to fast forward them because I would otherwise end up screaming at the tv