Question for Clique Mums or those who have dealt with them

[Aadamsfamily]

I have my suspicions but please help a girl out.

New to the school, I was showered with a lot of interest from a particular mum (the head mum), and although suspicious of her motives, I accepted her invitation in an attempt to comfort my child before the term started at the new school.

Though still suspicious, everything seemed to be going well. We went out outside of school a few times, she watched over my kid. At times I felt massively uncomfortable and exhausting as there seemed to be a desperate attempt to include me in this circle of people but everyone was so … nice. But then there were weird things like, I was gently scolded for asking for help from others and not this particular mum and I also noticed, stories about her personal life and preferences didn’t quite match what I saw.

And one day, it all abruptly stopped. All of a sudden really busy, all of them particularly the henchman. They all went from being kind and messaging back and forth to an abrupt end. It was bizarre considering I had been out for dinner with them and everything seemed fine. And in all honesty, they weren’t bitchy people. They never did talk ill of people but instead just talked about fun experiences and shared stories.

Cant for the life of me get play dates with my child, I’ve stopped asking across the board. All of a sudden too busy to see me but I sort of know their schedule, none of them work.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m not wealthy. They’re very wealthy.

One of them, will take my child out according to whenever it suits them, and then when we ask, no reply. But I know this person literally has their phone on their face all of the time.

School runs are a bit weird now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach them anymore therefore avert my eyes.

The only other thing I can think of is that the head of the gang doesn’t like a particular parent and I was once speaking to that person. That being said, strangely as when it suit the mood of the main one they will be so warm and hug me.

I’m just confused and it’s just a bit weird.

I don’t mind in the sense that I found the outings exhausting and I like to mostly sit at home and read book after book after book, in my pyjamas, no bra and just wrapped in a blanket.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not trying to figure out what went sideways but I genuinely can’t think of what I did wrong. 😑 However I do know in my old school, this happened to other mums that I was friends with so I know it happens. I just wonder whether they were just measuring me up and then disposed of me once they were done with me.

i did notice at one of the outings, the useful mums were invited. Those with some status whether it be in school or in their private life.

But you got in the way of all that with all this with all this ridiculously melodramatic stuff about ‘head mums’ and ‘henchmen’ and accepting the head mum’s’ invitation despite being suspicious of her motives, ‘to comfort my child’ before she even started at the school. Just step back and stop getting in the way of your child’s life with your juvenile Mean Girls fantasies.

You haven’t read all of the posts explaining the reasons why I used that language therefore your point doesn’t make sense. nor did you read why I was suspicious and as someone pointed out, it’s absolutely fine to be suspicious of certain behaviour.

Are you reading too many Shirley Jackson Novels?

There was a great novel out when DS started school called “The Hive”. As I read it I was able to spot a version, from school, of every single character in the book.

I was given a great piece of advice, if you don’t want to spend you child’s primary school time feeling insecure, rejected or just confused always arrive 30 mins late for pick up. Most private schools have clubs or after school care. You meet the mums who have no time for the clique, you don’t feel obliged to chat and your child gets to play out after school with children from other years. DS loved after school club when they could use all the play equipment, were fed biscuits and sandwiches and best of all could play football for 2 hours solid.

After a stressful day at work it was lovely to just sit quietly watching DS play with his mates. And not have to make small talk with other mums.

But you haven’t explained either, not in any real way. You said you used those terms to describe the women because you didn’t know of any other ways you could refer to them(!), and then you talked about suspicious lovebombing behaviour which is an odd way to describe people being welcoming to a newcomer. If they hadn’t been welcoming you might have been on here complaining about that.

Youre being really combative with every post that doesn’t say “oh you poor thing aren’t they awful!”. Which is a shame because it might be more useful to think about why you responded the way you did to their overtures of friendship, and why your descriptions of them in your OP had such a catty tone.

Im not trying to get at you honestly, but your interpretation of things is quite negative and it might just be a factor in how things have played out..

No. I read a lot of Christy lefteri, elif shafak and zoulfa katouh books. Heard of them?

Yes, this is also me - my child is in breakfast club and after school club half the time, but when I am at pick up and drop off I see where the lines are drawn. There are some mums who are genuinely open and nice (and clearly friendships have formed but they don’t leave others out), and then there are the ones who seem open and nice but always break off and walk together leaving others behind. I went along to the park with them (and a few others) at the end of the summer term, spontaneous not organised so I wasn’t encroaching, but I had the temerity to join in a conversation with the “group” at one point and the look one of them gave me was hilarious! I said nothing controversial and it wasn’t a private or personal topic, but it was clear they just didn’t want me to join in. I wasn’t aware how much of a circle they were at that point, but they clearly are and now I just avoid as I don’t want any part of that bitchy shit!

I’m not being snarky, I’m pointing out the genuine lay of the land and been very plain with my language. It’s emotional immaturity and that’s all it is. Point out where I’ve been sarcastic, because that doesn’t form part of my reply. At all.

If you’re unwilling to recognise your part in building on immaturities then good luck to you.

This with bells on. The aggression here is entirely unnecessary.

All the pp scoffing at clique mums are probably in these things.
Luckily my kids are old enough not to have had this nonsense but i have friends who have had it happen to them. It's bitchy behaviour.

I may have phrased it clumsily, I don't think you were being bitchy but maybe it was perceived that way. If someone avoided eye contact and didn't say hello I would think them very odd. What may have started with an issue specific to play dates has turned into something personal, I think you not saying hello is a big contributor to that. I know you say the kids get on well but there could be issues you don't know about. Maybe they feel your kid acts differently in your home, it's not uncommon for kids to be well behaved in another's house but become bossy and controlling about toys in their own home. The whole thing may have never been about you, it might have been about the children. Unfortunately you'll probably never know.

I have read all your posts. My point stands.

multiple text messages confirm how delightful my kid is. Not bragging but my kid is very well behaved around others . It’s one thing that people , teachers, friends and family comment on a lot. That’s not to say they don’t drive me utterly mad.

but I do appreciate your perspective

Exactly! Wow! Double exclamation! No triple! I have lost count. No more.

Come on, all of you saying it’s not that deep, that OP should step back, that the DMs picked up a on her suspicion, that she noticed their wealth
yada, yada, yada - are you clique mums on the defence? Be honest.

‘Just step back and stop getting in the way of your child’s life …with my juvenile etc ‘

my child keeps asking for a play dates. Their child wants play dates with my child. The mums don’t want to allow it to happen when they previously used to allow it to happen.

what are you missing? Step back how? Just ignore both sets of children who want to socialise out of school? Juvenile how?

So one question is do the 'cliques' exist or it is paranoid delusions where people think everyone is against them?

They do exist! I am hugely confident, not easily intimidated amd definitely not delusional. They do exist.

I think there are a lot of people, lurkers who don’t comment and those who do comment who recognise this pattern of behaviour. Have witnessed it or been subjected to it or both. It’s something that isnt tangible and therefore mostly exists as mind games. There have been plenty of books or movies I’m sure that have been published and made as a result of this type of behaviour. Not because it doesn’t exist but because it once happened somewhere to someone and that experience was created into a story for people to read and watch. So by pretending it doesn’t exist, you are either part of the problem, or feed into the problem, or maybe you’re just so lucky to not live amongst this behaviour that does exist.

thank you for the sound advice. For those who took the time to actually help me move forwards because you recognised the pattern or just simply wanted to help.

and to those who doubt me, I understand it’s hard to comprehend when I’m omitting large parts of the shitty behaviour because it really does give me away. So apologies for any frustration caused and if I may have misunderstood you good Intentions.

and to the snarky comments. You are the problem. Apart from the person who wasn’t being snarky, I totally misread your message and I’m 100% a tit however I wasn’t being snarky to people. I just wasn’t engaging with what I perceived as bullish comments but I realise it didn’t come from you, the thread went weird.

feel free to argue the toss off with each other.

@333FionaG I have rewatched it so many times, beyond hilarious!

A clique mum is a mum that is a member of a tight group of women. The head mum is the group's "leader".

You are best out of that weird 'friendship' dynamic OP. You sound pretty clued up/aware of how they operate. Its a shame your kid cant play with some of their kids. But great that they have other friends with more approachable parents. I personally keep well out of clique set ups like that, just not my scene. If that limits my child's social options, so be it.

It’s a shame re the play dates but the kids’ friendships should be separate from the mums’ ones. It’s great when the parents get along and you can go in for coffee etc but my DC had friends whose parents I wasn’t particular friends with as they weren’t interested in that side of things and we just communicated re the arrangements.
Or they’d just come out at sometime together and ask for a play date.
There was def some social engineering going on though esp in Reception, but I don’t think anyone would’ve refused to have a kid round if they weren’t mum friends.

If your DC wants a play date w these children I’d just go up to the mum w DC - then it’s much harder to refuse.

For the life if me I dont and never did understand school gate free drama.

I dropped my kids off.
I collected my kids.
In the space of 5 mins.
I gave and recieved nothing beyond a nod or hello. Because thats all I needed as they are just people dropping children off, strangers. Wouldnt have known any of them if I fell over them away from school.
My children formed their own friendship groups without me having to sign some weird Faustian pact with other parents.
Just drop you kids and go to work or go home or do whatever else you do with your day. None of this shit matters

I didn’t know it was such a big thing that occupied peoples minds till I came on here.

the word clique is used like it’s the worst insult ever, when it’s clear it’s just a group of friends which the person isn’t part of.

I think some people are lonely,bored, socially awkward, desperately want to be included, over think social situations, and revert to behaving like they themselves are at school.

i worked, so just turned up, did drop offs, pick ups. When I could, said hi, chatted, did play dates, but had my own friends, so for me it was just about the kids, there was never any drama.

however I’m sure after reading numerous threads on here, there probably was drama going on in some people’s heads, some who wanted to join the group of women who were friends and weren’t included, and couldn’t bring themselves to go snd chat, so calling them names in their heads and thinking the term clique was an insult , or silly childish falling outs.

But it passed me by totally, the friendships were between the kids, I was pleasant and chatty, and really didn’t give it any thought.