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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Question for Clique Mums or those who have dealt with them

203 replies

Aadamsfamily · 16/01/2026 17:24

I have my suspicions but please help a girl out.

New to the school, I was showered with a lot of interest from a particular mum (the head mum), and although suspicious of her motives, I accepted her invitation in an attempt to comfort my child before the term started at the new school.

Though still suspicious, everything seemed to be going well. We went out outside of school a few times, she watched over my kid. At times I felt massively uncomfortable and exhausting as there seemed to be a desperate attempt to include me in this circle of people but everyone was so … nice. But then there were weird things like, I was gently scolded for asking for help from others and not this particular mum and I also noticed, stories about her personal life and preferences didn’t quite match what I saw.

And one day, it all abruptly stopped. All of a sudden really busy, all of them particularly the henchman. They all went from being kind and messaging back and forth to an abrupt end. It was bizarre considering I had been out for dinner with them and everything seemed fine. And in all honesty, they weren’t bitchy people. They never did talk ill of people but instead just talked about fun experiences and shared stories.

Cant for the life of me get play dates with my child, I’ve stopped asking across the board. All of a sudden too busy to see me but I sort of know their schedule, none of them work.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m not wealthy. They’re very wealthy.

One of them, will take my child out according to whenever it suits them, and then when we ask, no reply. But I know this person literally has their phone on their face all of the time.

School runs are a bit weird now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach them anymore therefore avert my eyes.

The only other thing I can think of is that the head of the gang doesn’t like a particular parent and I was once speaking to that person. That being said, strangely as when it suit the mood of the main one they will be so warm and hug me.

I’m just confused and it’s just a bit weird.

I don’t mind in the sense that I found the outings exhausting and I like to mostly sit at home and read book after book after book, in my pyjamas, no bra and just wrapped in a blanket.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not trying to figure out what went sideways but I genuinely can’t think of what I did wrong. 😑 However I do know in my old school, this happened to other mums that I was friends with so I know it happens. I just wonder whether they were just measuring me up and then disposed of me once they were done with me.

i did notice at one of the outings, the useful mums were invited. Those with some status whether it be in school or in their private life.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 17/01/2026 11:00

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 17/01/2026 08:43

I didn’t know it was such a big thing that occupied peoples minds till I came on here.

the word clique is used like it’s the worst insult ever, when it’s clear it’s just a group of friends which the person isn’t part of.

I think some people are lonely,bored, socially awkward, desperately want to be included, over think social situations, and revert to behaving like they themselves are at school.

i worked, so just turned up, did drop offs, pick ups. When I could, said hi, chatted, did play dates, but had my own friends, so for me it was just about the kids, there was never any drama.

however I’m sure after reading numerous threads on here, there probably was drama going on in some people’s heads, some who wanted to join the group of women who were friends and weren’t included, and couldn’t bring themselves to go snd chat, so calling them names in their heads and thinking the term clique was an insult , or silly childish falling outs.

But it passed me by totally, the friendships were between the kids, I was pleasant and chatty, and really didn’t give it any thought.

It's not just not being included and thinking it's personal. Some of these women are actively nasty and encourage their friends to ignore and physically turn away or laugh at someone they deem not worthy of their attentions.
I have witnessed it with younger mum friends. My kids are adults now.
I have seen quite a few threads on here so no i don't think it is in peoples heads.
Clique actually means - a small group of like minded people who don't want others joining them.

NerrSnerr · 17/01/2026 11:09

lazyarse123 · 17/01/2026 11:00

It's not just not being included and thinking it's personal. Some of these women are actively nasty and encourage their friends to ignore and physically turn away or laugh at someone they deem not worthy of their attentions.
I have witnessed it with younger mum friends. My kids are adults now.
I have seen quite a few threads on here so no i don't think it is in peoples heads.
Clique actually means - a small group of like minded people who don't want others joining them.

I think the big question is, why do others want to join in? There’s a group of mums in my son’s class and he’s friends with a couple of the boys so we say hello sometimes. This doesn’t mean that I expect them to include me in their friendship group. I suspect if I tried they’d be polite but wonder what the hell I’m doing and just get on with seeing each other. That is fine- I’m not their friend and they are not mine.

Alltheyellowbirds · 17/01/2026 11:25

lazyarse123 · 17/01/2026 11:00

It's not just not being included and thinking it's personal. Some of these women are actively nasty and encourage their friends to ignore and physically turn away or laugh at someone they deem not worthy of their attentions.
I have witnessed it with younger mum friends. My kids are adults now.
I have seen quite a few threads on here so no i don't think it is in peoples heads.
Clique actually means - a small group of like minded people who don't want others joining them.

But this isn’t at all what OP described in her post. She doesn’t mention nastiness or people laughing at her or turning away. She described being enthusiastically welcomed into the group and specifically said they are nice women and not at all bitchy.

A lot of people seem to be basing their responses on past experiences of their own, and not looking at what actually happened here which is that the women tried to befriend her but for whatever reason the friendship didn’t progress. That happens. In this instance it could well have been because of OP’’s own attitude towards them which comes across clearly in her posts.

Mlk8 · 17/01/2026 16:55

PollyBell · 17/01/2026 00:21

So one question is do the 'cliques' exist or it is paranoid delusions where people think everyone is against them?

It can be both. People take sides after a fallout.

Kd96 · 18/01/2026 19:13

This weird shit is the absolute reason I cling to the gate, in.. out.. absolutely no shaking in about! 😂😂😂

Noodles1234 · 18/01/2026 19:20

maybe they are or they’re not. Maybe you’ve said something or someone else in the group wants to bring someone else in.

I’ve found the school Mums are rather like being back at school, others wanting to enter a group of the popular Mums, they may emulate or try to impress them. Personally I can’t be bothered, they’re often fake and only want you if you elevate them. Generally they want wealthy, pretty etc Mums. I have / had a good job and I’ve had these Mums strike up conversations and ask what job do I do / what car I drive / what house I am. They didn’t seem interested in small chat.

Find the nice Mums, the ones you click with, not the seen to be fashional lot. Also don’t stick to one group, be in lots of groups. Keep friends that are not from the school I bet you anything they don’t sincerely like each other anyway. Don’t waste your time. It’s all smoke and mirrors

Mumofferal3 · 18/01/2026 19:22

Aadamsfamily · 16/01/2026 18:26

On the first dinner date, I apologised and explained to the head mum that I feel a bit wary of people naturally and we shared stories of our childhood. She seemed to understand and after that for about three months she continued to see me and invite me to things . So despite my discomfort I was forward with that and we connected on some level and that didn’t put her off.

Maube its just the way the text reads? It isn’t sinister in my voice but I understand emotion is lost through text. I suspected, that her child didnt have any friends, and I was sort of right. He struggled with friendships and was quick to throw other children under the bus. However I’m quite fond of her kid because they’re an interesting character whom I learned a lot from. And she explained that a lot of the other children have hobbies that her child just simply isn’t interested in.

I will 100% admit though when I realised how wealthy most of them were, I spoke to my partner about feeling inferior about it and we had a long chat about it and he explained I didn’t have to give anything in return or reciprocate. So I did it in my own way according to our financial situation

The vibe I got from what you said in the first post was maybe someone lile Amanda from Motherland. Overbearing and a bit self righteous.

I think lots of people on this post have decided to make it a bit of a you issue. But if they aren't your vibe, no point in faking that.

I had one like this in my school and in the end, my LG decided she didn't want to play charades anymore. They became very passive aggressive and looked down at us so we severed ties. Sounds like a lucky escape to me.

JillMW · 18/01/2026 19:31

Aadamsfamily · 16/01/2026 22:06

I don’t want friends! I want my child to be able to play with his friends. I don’t want friends. I never asked for them to be my friend , they approached me but from what I gather the rule is that unless we’re friends our kids can’t be friends .

My children were very sociable but there were some families I did not feel comfortable with. It is so much easier to have your children playing with your friends children and vice versa.
You do sound a little intense. If every kid in the class wanted to play with my daughter ( which it often felt like) I often had to say no. I would not think anything of it if another mum said they were busy. People are.
What I find disingenuous is that as soon as you were dropped by the in crowd you started to contact other people whom it sounds like you had not bothered with before.
If your child needs entertainment outside school take them to the park, swimming, library, football club etc they will soon make out of school friends.

SnoopyPajamas · 18/01/2026 19:34

Cliquey behaviour is definitely a thing. Some women really get off on that sort of thing, probably as a way to mask insecurity. It's all a bit sad, and I don't have much time for it.

I think what's throwing people off with you though, OP, is that you seem to have been judging this group from the get-go. You come off as someone who doesn't like people in general, so it's hard to know if your read on these women is correct. Maybe they are a bunch of stuck-up bitches - or maybe they really were just being friendly, and they think you gave them the cold shoulder, because your walls are up so high.

There's no way for anyone here to know.

Mumofferal3 · 18/01/2026 19:34

Aadamsfamily · 16/01/2026 22:35

I think you’re both wrong and right.

I don’t think I fit in.

there’s nothing wrong with being suspicious. Love bombing or multiple texts when you have just met someone who is trying to be your bestest friend and telling you detailed things about their lives on the first dinner date is a red flag.

it’s absolutely 100% fine to be overwhelmed by this type of behaviour.

I won’t take your advice because I will continue to be 100% wary of people who love bomb me. It’s not normal imo. But that is literally just my opinion. I prefer slow burner friendships.

it’s also normal for someone to observe others in the way they behave, dress, how they lead their lives. It’s how I learnt a lot of things in life - through observation and applying things that I liked in other people in my life.

I don’t think they were using me. Where on earth did you get that???? I like my sofa and my books. I didn’t focus on their money but I was aware of it, and I wondered whether that would affect the friendship in anyway. And that’s okay to have that train of thought because people are allowed to think things. I accepted the invitation because they were keen on meeting my child and my child was new … that’s okay.

I reciprocate to the best of my ability. It wasn’t fake , again what makes you think I was fake? Why would I fake reciprocating to the friends of my child? I wanted my child’s friend to have a nice time

and by saying I fake fake reciprocated you missed the point entirely which is … why can’t my child be friends outside of school with these kids when it was once okay and all of a sudden not okay? I want the kids to be friends because they all like each other.

I don’t think you read any of my posts properly.

Please try not to take people's posts too seriously. If this person was so smart, they would realisr that all humans prejudge people from the moment they meet. It is something we haven't lost since being cave people. Almost like an internal warning systen.

Some of these posters are obviously these type of people and that's why they are so offended

BigMommasHouse · 18/01/2026 19:39

Just imagine, some time in the future you are being interviewed for a TV documentary about how you narrowly escaped the Polyamorous Satanic School Mum Sex Cult…

Foggybottomblues · 18/01/2026 19:45

Maybe once they got to know you a bit better they just didn't like you that much?

FlyingApple · 18/01/2026 19:52

Ok there are certain people who need to find "fresh meat" and they will be very sociable and seek out new people often because they end up being unpleasant.

You said yourself it felt massively uncomfortable and exhausting, your gut knows.

You were one of many on the carousel for these people.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 18/01/2026 20:02

I mean.... you clearly didn't/don't particularly like them, and from the sound of it their values don't align with yours. They did the polite thing of getting to know you and involving you and maybe feel the same. Life just ends up that way sometimes. It clearly isn't a good fit, and you're actually happy with that outcome so go with that! At least you're not having to keep up appearances and hang out with people you don't like.
I feel like you were always looking for an issue given the way you talk about them. Maybe they're just not that into you, and you know you're not that into them- why all force it. Find some other more similar mums to chat to on the school run, or just grab your kid and go. Who is dd friends with, maybe start with their mums instead....

aster10 · 18/01/2026 20:28

My experience is that cliques very much happen, and we cannot deny them. Possibly it is a legacy of all-girl boarding/ day schools. In my experience, I noticed that mums from a posh village will try to stick together and may be initially welcoming, but when they see your “less than a manor” house on a playdate, you will not see them anymore and they will blank you suddenly. And any person at the receiving end of this can very easily go mad! Perhaps those of us who were to a girl only boarding school could tell us if this is something they saw there. Try to find your tribe, it could be a gradual thing. There is a feature on bbc today about toxic mum groups and the herd mentality.www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cn42q39qg4ko It seems we can be swayed by the herd after all!

333FionaG · 18/01/2026 20:31

Aadamsfamily · 16/01/2026 18:29

Yep I binged on it . Have you watched amandaland? I binged on that too … though some parts were so cringe I had to fast forward them because I would otherwise end up screaming at the tv

I didn't enjoy Amandaland as much as Motherland, but the series does highlight the school mum cliques that exist. It's best just to smile and walk away, and leave them to it.

Butchyrestingface · 18/01/2026 20:35

But then there were weird things like, I was gently scolded for asking for help from others and not this particular mum

Did OP say what kind of 'help' she was asking for?

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 18/01/2026 20:55

Whenever I see posts about a clique of mums at school it’s usually a lot of projected insecurities. I’m pretty sure the ‘clique mums’ are just a group of friends who have no idea they’re seen as a clique. My kids aren’t primary school age yet so maybe I’ll find out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Redpeach · 18/01/2026 21:05

aster10 · 18/01/2026 20:28

My experience is that cliques very much happen, and we cannot deny them. Possibly it is a legacy of all-girl boarding/ day schools. In my experience, I noticed that mums from a posh village will try to stick together and may be initially welcoming, but when they see your “less than a manor” house on a playdate, you will not see them anymore and they will blank you suddenly. And any person at the receiving end of this can very easily go mad! Perhaps those of us who were to a girl only boarding school could tell us if this is something they saw there. Try to find your tribe, it could be a gradual thing. There is a feature on bbc today about toxic mum groups and the herd mentality.www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cn42q39qg4ko It seems we can be swayed by the herd after all!

That 'news' article is a load of tosh, full of female cliches

Redpeach · 18/01/2026 21:06

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 18/01/2026 20:55

Whenever I see posts about a clique of mums at school it’s usually a lot of projected insecurities. I’m pretty sure the ‘clique mums’ are just a group of friends who have no idea they’re seen as a clique. My kids aren’t primary school age yet so maybe I’ll find out 🤷🏻‍♀️

And does head mum know shes the head

GingerBeverage · 18/01/2026 21:09

Redpeach · 18/01/2026 21:05

That 'news' article is a load of tosh, full of female cliches

Do you think they’re making it up? Why would so many anonymous women do that?

brightonchicka · 18/01/2026 21:17

Its not about you , its about them . You dont meet their needs whatever that may be , your married - they may want single mum friends to go out with ,they may love socialising every week or are massive social climbers and as you say you are less wealthy . I wouldnt think too much into it and move on

RedLorryYellowLorry75 · 18/01/2026 21:44

I know exactly what you mean because I have experienced it. When DC1 started school, I got sucked in and because I was anxious and not good at meeting people I didn't see the red flags until I was in the midst of it. When I did start to notice things I pulled back a bit at which point all hell broke lose. They started spreading lies about me (which I know for sure happened as a friend that I made much later when DC3 started school, confirmed to me what had been said as she also knew the ring leader, she had been warned to stay away from me but thankfully wanted to make up her own mind). My child lost his circle of friends and I even had to go up and speak to the teacher because one kept telling him "your mum used to be nice and now she's a bitch" and this was 3 years after they'd frozen me out. My advice would be just keep out of it. I had another lovely friend who I'd known since NCT and she took my DC1 to the whole class parties that I couldn't face attending because of these women (and the ones they recruited who now wouldn't speak to me either), and I just built myself new friendships with other mums, who I've been friends with for 10 years now. I sympathise because it was awful when I was in it. Ignore the replies here saying it's you, it's not you. Cliques definitely exist and so do "head mums". It's like Mean Girls at the school gates. I laugh about it now and eventually you will too.

Gagaandgag · 18/01/2026 21:47

I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread I’m sorry op. I don’t think you were being disrespectful with the names just trying to explain the situation and how you felt.
I think honestly that they were staking you out and seeing if you’d be useful.
It’s upsetting and I feel for you. All you can do is just remain friendly and smile but step back and don’t ask again. Glad he’s found some other friends

hopsalong · 18/01/2026 21:49

Life is too short to go through all the mean girl/clique/school stuff twice. Forget about it and enjoy being an adult this time around.