Question for Clique Mums or those who have dealt with them

[Aadamsfamily]

I have my suspicions but please help a girl out.

New to the school, I was showered with a lot of interest from a particular mum (the head mum), and although suspicious of her motives, I accepted her invitation in an attempt to comfort my child before the term started at the new school.

Though still suspicious, everything seemed to be going well. We went out outside of school a few times, she watched over my kid. At times I felt massively uncomfortable and exhausting as there seemed to be a desperate attempt to include me in this circle of people but everyone was so … nice. But then there were weird things like, I was gently scolded for asking for help from others and not this particular mum and I also noticed, stories about her personal life and preferences didn’t quite match what I saw.

And one day, it all abruptly stopped. All of a sudden really busy, all of them particularly the henchman. They all went from being kind and messaging back and forth to an abrupt end. It was bizarre considering I had been out for dinner with them and everything seemed fine. And in all honesty, they weren’t bitchy people. They never did talk ill of people but instead just talked about fun experiences and shared stories.

Cant for the life of me get play dates with my child, I’ve stopped asking across the board. All of a sudden too busy to see me but I sort of know their schedule, none of them work.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m not wealthy. They’re very wealthy.

One of them, will take my child out according to whenever it suits them, and then when we ask, no reply. But I know this person literally has their phone on their face all of the time.

School runs are a bit weird now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach them anymore therefore avert my eyes.

The only other thing I can think of is that the head of the gang doesn’t like a particular parent and I was once speaking to that person. That being said, strangely as when it suit the mood of the main one they will be so warm and hug me.

I’m just confused and it’s just a bit weird.

I don’t mind in the sense that I found the outings exhausting and I like to mostly sit at home and read book after book after book, in my pyjamas, no bra and just wrapped in a blanket.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not trying to figure out what went sideways but I genuinely can’t think of what I did wrong. 😑 However I do know in my old school, this happened to other mums that I was friends with so I know it happens. I just wonder whether they were just measuring me up and then disposed of me once they were done with me.

i did notice at one of the outings, the useful mums were invited. Those with some status whether it be in school or in their private life.

Is it possible the 'head mum' picked up on the fact that you didn't like her, were suspicious of her for what appears to be simple overtures of friendship, had prejudged her as a queen bee type/mean girl type, didnt enjoy socialising with the group, and simply gave up on you? And that her friends saw this and came to the conclusion you didn't want to be part of the group?
If I were you I'd decide whether you do or you don't want to join them. Is getting your DD play dates with their DC worth socialising with a group who clearly aren't a good fit for you? If so, then you will probably need to reach out to the 'head mum' and re establish your connection with her. Alternatively invite DC with mums not in this group to play dates.

It might help if you sit and think about this for a minute...

This is your child's school.

The only reason you are there is because it's your child's school.

Nice if you can make one or two friends during the time she's there, but it is NOT a social club and does not exist primarily for you to make friends.

Just leave it to the kids and they'll make friends with whoever they choose, and not the kids of the mums you may or may not want to be friends with.

I think it’s because some people want to socialise with the parents at the school that their kids attend? Some people like that. And some people go home and don’t give it a second thought. It’s not necessarily one or the other. Just depends on who you are as a person.

No, I was exactly the same and fortunately so was my own mother.

No dramas, no 'cliques' and no 'head mums' or 'henchmen'.

sorry I misred that.

i think you completely misunderstood my point. I’m confused. That’s all.

i read books. Lots of them.

i don’t need to be friends with people, it was foisted on me. And then taken away. Which is fine but weird.

the issue is, my child wants play dates and can’t have play dates because the mums aren’t my friends anymore. So really my child can’t choose who he wants to be friends with because the mums are too busy now… make sense?

but you’re right about the just drop the kid off to school bit. That’s always been my attitude.

Your opinion and experience is noted.

OP, my advice would be this - life is messy and complicated. If you want to do the best by your child, be consistently pleasant and make it easy for people to say yes to you. Even if people do have unpleasant motives for their actions, it is ultimately much better and healthier to shrug it off and assume they've got their reasons or are going through a hectic or difficult time rather than to assume it's about you. It's probably not personal and, even if it is, believe me that treating it as if it's not personal will make it a lot easier.

Regarding the playdates, my advice would be this. Send a message to the parents of any child your DC would like a playdate with saying the following - "Hi X, no worries if you're too busy but Milo would love to have [name of child] round for a playdate sometime if possible - happy for you to drop-and-run if easier! If not, they'll have to catch up at school but just thought I'd ask x". Make things easy for people, don't hold grudges and you'll get more positive responses.

You need to make effort otherwise your children will be isolated and miss out. They already miss the playdates. You're lucky other mums even made effort first with you for months. Some mums never even get a good morning back. Be nice to them.

This shit's all a lot harder now mothers have to be their children's social secretaries. Back in the Palaeolithic, we asked our mums if Trudy could come to tea, she said yes, on Thursday, Trudy then checked with her mum and any necessary adult communication was then executed.

Or we knocked on other kids' doors, asked if they could come out to play and that was it. (Children have to live nearby for this, obvs.)

So ... what will happen if your child simply invites the other one to visit?

That’s really good advice thank you. You’re absolutely right and going forwards I’ll just continue to smile and be pleasant.

so I did end up managing to find him a group of friends but that was after the penny dropped and I realised the other dates wouldn’t happen with the original set of people. I just wished I realised it sooner because my child went through weeks of not understanding why he could t play with them outside of school and I couldn’t exactly explain to him why either. He still asks to play with the others and I still don’t know what to say to him but his new set of friends distract him and Tbf they’re so amazing to him as are the parents.

I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to provide me with sound advice that’s actionable and helps me to put it behind me. So thank you ♥️

Yeah my partner said exactly the same thing about play dates when he was younger. And I just went out in the streets and played with the kids. There was no need to arrange anything.

My child asked and then the child said ‘yes I’d love to’ and then my child said ‘mum can you arrange it?’ And then I asked for weeks on end and every time it was a ‘no, too busy’ . it just got embarrassing

But other kids let slip they were seeing each other.

I think it’s okay to wonder. Just at some point I just need to accept it and let it go. Just still not sure what to say to my kid when he asks why we can’t have play dates with these kids because we have so much fun at school. It’s just bizarre and frankly a waste of my headspace.

it upsets me that the kids can’t play. I’m not bothered about mum gatherings. I’m more bothered about my child’s play dates. But he his other friends and they’re good to him.

Is it possible they turned down play dates because their children don't want to be friends with your child? It doesn't matter how much you like or dislike the parents if your child doesn't want to play with them it doesn't work. Or perhaps your child is difficult and they dont want to mind them. Just say this is the case, they didn't want to insult you and say why they didn't want to do it, so just didnt organise the play dates. Then you responded by ignoring them in person and avoiding eye contact, they may think you are being bitchy because their child doesn't like yours. Maybe they feel you are the one who turned the situation into a drama and they always were OK with being friends just couldn't force the children's friendship. It's something to think about maybe?

Erm no, none of that at all.

Our kids get on really well in school. Which is why the whole thing is awkward and embarrassing as well as confusing for all the children involved.

On my original post I mentioned that one of them takes my kid out as and when it suits them but declines all of my invites. Even when we were friends from one particular mum (the one that only takes my child for play dates as and when it suits her) my invites were declined despite the fact they were available for play dates with others.

I wasn’t being bitchy . Where did you get that from? It became awkward and I got pushed out abruptly so now when I enter the playground I now avert my eyes because they obviously don’t want me around their group? It’s a bit weird imo if I stood there and stared at them the whole time I’m in the playground?

I don’t think you read the posts properly. Or maybe you misunderstood them. Or maybe I didn’t explain myself properly.

Bloody hell , this is exhausting and so childish. I never got involved in any playground stuff , took my child to school and picked them up all without any drama. Played in the park for a bit afterwards if they wanted to. Kids can be friends, the parents don’t have to be.

It is a bit weird that no one will have a play date anymore. If it’s not a clique, the group is behaving in a remarkably cliquey way.

And I think it’s a healthy idea to have a level of awareness when someone new shows a lot of interest. Threads on here daily about love bombing men, well people can do it platonically too.

And sure, perhaps you aren’t wealthy enough for them. Some wealthy people like having a breadth of friendships at different economic levels, others get uncomfortable as it can force them to confront their own privilege more regularly than they’d like.

You’ll never know.

Or a group of mums over the years have formed a friendship group of those who they get along best with?

This. Why in every other aspect of life are we allowed a friend group, but when it comes to school mums it’s suddenly a clique?

It’s not like they weren’t welcoming to OP when she arrived, and didn’t try to include her.

But why isn’t my child allowed the friendship group with children who clearly have expressed a desire to want to play with him but it gets denied because the mums have decided that they don’t want to be my friend?

that’s what makes the clique.

‘we don’t want to be friends with you anymore therefore our kids can’t be friends outside of school despite the fact they get on really well and they consistently ask for play dates together’

Isn’t your child still in the friendship group of some of the parents still take them out?

How old are they? By the time they’re 10/11 they can just play out and arrange stuff themselves.

Yes, it probably is the wealth factor tbh, people are that shallow!

This reads like you've been watching too many dramas.. Big Little Lies, All her Fault, the Housemaid - filled with these mom / school gate cliches..

Head mum? My children have been at school for a total of well five years and before that nursery and neither my other half or I have had the slightest bit of time to even work out who the head mum is. We are always rushing to drop off and pick up from some club. Dear God is this how other people live!

IME this won't continue into the teenage years as in year 9+ as no one knows each others parents that well. The teens have their own preferences and these friends that were convenient for your parents mostly get dumped!

OMG, you wanted an answer to your question and you so got one, from a clique mum. Sums it up!