Question for Clique Mums or those who have dealt with them

[Aadamsfamily]

I have my suspicions but please help a girl out.

New to the school, I was showered with a lot of interest from a particular mum (the head mum), and although suspicious of her motives, I accepted her invitation in an attempt to comfort my child before the term started at the new school.

Though still suspicious, everything seemed to be going well. We went out outside of school a few times, she watched over my kid. At times I felt massively uncomfortable and exhausting as there seemed to be a desperate attempt to include me in this circle of people but everyone was so … nice. But then there were weird things like, I was gently scolded for asking for help from others and not this particular mum and I also noticed, stories about her personal life and preferences didn’t quite match what I saw.

And one day, it all abruptly stopped. All of a sudden really busy, all of them particularly the henchman. They all went from being kind and messaging back and forth to an abrupt end. It was bizarre considering I had been out for dinner with them and everything seemed fine. And in all honesty, they weren’t bitchy people. They never did talk ill of people but instead just talked about fun experiences and shared stories.

Cant for the life of me get play dates with my child, I’ve stopped asking across the board. All of a sudden too busy to see me but I sort of know their schedule, none of them work.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m not wealthy. They’re very wealthy.

One of them, will take my child out according to whenever it suits them, and then when we ask, no reply. But I know this person literally has their phone on their face all of the time.

School runs are a bit weird now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach them anymore therefore avert my eyes.

The only other thing I can think of is that the head of the gang doesn’t like a particular parent and I was once speaking to that person. That being said, strangely as when it suit the mood of the main one they will be so warm and hug me.

I’m just confused and it’s just a bit weird.

I don’t mind in the sense that I found the outings exhausting and I like to mostly sit at home and read book after book after book, in my pyjamas, no bra and just wrapped in a blanket.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not trying to figure out what went sideways but I genuinely can’t think of what I did wrong. 😑 However I do know in my old school, this happened to other mums that I was friends with so I know it happens. I just wonder whether they were just measuring me up and then disposed of me once they were done with me.

i did notice at one of the outings, the useful mums were invited. Those with some status whether it be in school or in their private life.

People only have so many free evenings a week to organise play dates and isn’t it more natural that they do it with people they’re mates with? If the kids are friends too obviously. Doesn’t mean they have decided your child is banned or anything, just that in the weeks you’ve asked they’ve chosen to make plans with others closer to them instead.

As has been said, in your first post you do give the impression that you might have rebuffed their friendship. Maybe not verbally, but by giving off the same suspicious, defensive (bit catty) vibes that you did in that post.

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Is it a private school? Sounds really odd with loads of outings and get togethers

How many people are in this group? How big is the class? Does you child have friends outside this group? If so- can you invite them round?

People have a life outside children if you make child related friendships your sole focus of course you will habe issuss, you sound too intense maybe try making other friends

I think it depends on the area you live in as well. Some areas are very sociable and do endless visits to the parks after school, have discos at the community hall, go to the same pub etc. If lots of parents WFH or are freelancers etc. then I feel this is more likely.

Couldn’t agree more - was thinking exactly the same!

What is a clique mum and why does it only apply to mums at the school gate? Why can’t school mums decide who they want to be mates with, instead of offering out invitations to everyone?

We don’t know what had happened between the OP and this group but it doesn’t sound like she likes these people, would you call someone you wanted to be friends with the ‘head mum’?

Totally this!

re the OP-

I never had this experience as I wasn’t around enough to be either in or out, but I am totally willing to believe it happens. Happens with kids so why not adults? People are always weird in situations where they’re forced to see the same people day in, day out.

I’m sorry I don’t know what they are but thank you for your opinion.

What does the "discord between personal life and preferences" mean?

It seems like your child is invited on playdates but the kids dont come back to yours? Perhaps the parents CBA driving over to yours to pick up/dont want to go back out again after getting home.

I don’t want friends! I want my child to be able to play with his friends. I don’t want friends. I never asked for them to be my friend , they approached me but from what I gather the rule is that unless we’re friends our kids can’t be friends .

You have said that your children do go to theirs to play though. How old are the children? Have I missed this? How often are you wanting play dates and do they have other friends they can play with or activities they can do?

I was t sure how else to refer to them unless I named them?

Well with all the name calling and judging why on earth would you want your child need these people?

You wrote your op like it was a soap you seem way too invested

Are you autistic op just the way you write.

Are you using an application to help you write these posts or is English not your first language? Sentences such as “I accepted her invitation in an attempt to comfort my child before the term started at the new school” do not make any sense.

In fact a lot of what you’ve written is quite odd and the entire scenario as you describe it doesn’t ring true unless there is something you are omitting.

Because we have all been at that school gate,
first thing and not long after, day after day, come rain or shine!

We should teach our children to be open and welcoming to all. It starts in the playground, it starts at the school gate.

OP, have no time for these women.

Yes we can all pick our friends but as you
know @NerrSnerr, cliques are about exclusion.

Said by an old wise’nd DGM, that did lots of primary school school runs.

‘A group of people at the school gate’ or a ‘group
of friends who have children in the same class?’ Do you call work colleagues who are friends a ‘work clique’ or a group of people who know each other from golf a ‘golf clique’? People only use this term for school mums and I don’t know why that is?

But are you open and welcoming to all? When you arrange a play date with a couple of children so you then make sure they invite the rest of the class? Do you say hello to every other parent? Why can’t school mums be friends with who they want to be?

But you only know the op's intense version you dont know these school parents yet you have judged them from one person's point of view

That’s how you are choosing to read it.

in text, you lose the emotion and therefore the writer relies on the reader to understand the story but that can be affected by the reader’s view and understanding of the world.

for example, I can write a funny message and my husband reads it as I am annoyed when actually it’s sarcasm but because he maybe in a conversation with a person whose annoyed, my message may translate in the same tone based on his recent experience with someone else.

if you heard my voice maybe you would have understood it differently. Also the use of head mum and henchmen (this was a mistake it was supposed to read head mum not henchmen) from your perspective may sound critical but for me it’s just because I didn’t want to name them and that literally the first thing that came to mind

It sounds like you’re really socially awkward. These women approached you and welcomed you into their group, they invited you to things, in return you were suspicious, thinking they were using you, thinking you’d rather be home on the sofa, and focusing on how much money they had, you even tell us you only were friends with them for your child’s sake.

im afraid I think you just didn’t fit in, were too much hard work so decided to give up , people know when they keep making effort and someone is fake reciprocating,focusing on how much they have, using them for their kid.

next time, try not to behave like this, go into it as you’re welcomed and don’t sit looking at people thinking negative thoughts about them,

Exactly, it’s weird and misogynistic and only applied to women. I’ve literally never heard anyone refer to a group of male friends as a clique.

And it’s always used in such a snidey bitchy way.

i’d just assume they think you’re not interested, so I think you have to be a bit brave here and bite the bullet and chat to one of them / two of them. Everyone’s an adult and I don’t think adults generally want to cause drama. Life is ploddy, going out and having wine with other mums makes it more fun.

Having read all of OP’s posts and how she viewed the mums (henchman?!) and their non-solid kids I don’t think it’s hard to work out why they “dropped” her.

Yes. All of this.