Question for Clique Mums or those who have dealt with them

[Aadamsfamily]

I have my suspicions but please help a girl out.

New to the school, I was showered with a lot of interest from a particular mum (the head mum), and although suspicious of her motives, I accepted her invitation in an attempt to comfort my child before the term started at the new school.

Though still suspicious, everything seemed to be going well. We went out outside of school a few times, she watched over my kid. At times I felt massively uncomfortable and exhausting as there seemed to be a desperate attempt to include me in this circle of people but everyone was so … nice. But then there were weird things like, I was gently scolded for asking for help from others and not this particular mum and I also noticed, stories about her personal life and preferences didn’t quite match what I saw.

And one day, it all abruptly stopped. All of a sudden really busy, all of them particularly the henchman. They all went from being kind and messaging back and forth to an abrupt end. It was bizarre considering I had been out for dinner with them and everything seemed fine. And in all honesty, they weren’t bitchy people. They never did talk ill of people but instead just talked about fun experiences and shared stories.

Cant for the life of me get play dates with my child, I’ve stopped asking across the board. All of a sudden too busy to see me but I sort of know their schedule, none of them work.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m not wealthy. They’re very wealthy.

One of them, will take my child out according to whenever it suits them, and then when we ask, no reply. But I know this person literally has their phone on their face all of the time.

School runs are a bit weird now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach them anymore therefore avert my eyes.

The only other thing I can think of is that the head of the gang doesn’t like a particular parent and I was once speaking to that person. That being said, strangely as when it suit the mood of the main one they will be so warm and hug me.

I’m just confused and it’s just a bit weird.

I don’t mind in the sense that I found the outings exhausting and I like to mostly sit at home and read book after book after book, in my pyjamas, no bra and just wrapped in a blanket.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not trying to figure out what went sideways but I genuinely can’t think of what I did wrong. 😑 However I do know in my old school, this happened to other mums that I was friends with so I know it happens. I just wonder whether they were just measuring me up and then disposed of me once they were done with me.

i did notice at one of the outings, the useful mums were invited. Those with some status whether it be in school or in their private life.

Op was part of a group and then suddenly, bam, all messages etc stop, all invites stop.

Something is going on and I think Op is concerned and obviously a little paranoid about why.

Wouldn’t you be if you were in her shoes? A little emotional voice in the back of your head, jumping over reason and logic, asking what you’ve done wrong? I bet you would. It takes us all back to school days and feeling left out. It’s a human emotion.

Just be kind to op, not berate her for feeling the way she does.

What the actual F. I genuinely don’t understand people at all.

There’s absolutely no way you don’t know what this is and if you don’t then you probably are her or you’ve no kids at school 😂 There’s always those mother groups in schools who gang together and what one says everyone trots along to. They’ll hover and chat round the school gates together, meet up and typically if the “head” (bossy more assertive) one doesn’t like someone then the others will be gaslit into not liking that person too. In my 23 years of my kids attending schools, I have never once engaged in any daft clique mum groups, I grab my kid and leave, ill say hello maybe have a quick chat if I’m there waiting but not usually the same mothers every time, actually makes me cringe watching all these groups form then you hear of them going to each others houses for wine or having regular lunch meets. Ok when you meet a friend who’s another parent but when it’s any more than that and they form a “group” nope sorry, gives me the ick, like these women purposely arriving at the school gates 10/15 mins early to stand chatting, why not just arrive when you know they’re about to get out of school.

That's a dramatisation (the TV show, Motherland)- which is likely what the OP has fed into.
Like I said, cliques only happen and occur if you let them. This whole 'them and us' is ridiculous as an adult, quite frankly. They're either your friends or they're not.
The moment you focus your interests on somewhere outside of the school gate and your child's social life, the moment the 'concept' of a clique ceases to exist.

actually makes me cringe watching all these groups form then you hear of them going to each others houses for wine or having regular lunch meets

That's called 'making friends', @Cob81. It's a perfectly normal thing to do.

DH and I are having a bunch of friends over for dinner next weekend, friends we made when we moved and DS started at a new primary aged eight. The boys are now at different secondary schools, though they're still friends, but we still see one another fairly regularly. Not just the mothers. The fathers also did pick ups and drop-offs in the primary days, hence us all becoming friends. Again, an entirely normal thing to do.

But maybe you struggle with friendships, if watching other people befriend one another 'gives you the ick' and 'makes you cringe'. Maybe ask yourself what it's bringing up for you?

I'm not berating OP. I can see she finds it highly unsettling.

But taking a step back, we only have her word for this, not the perspective of the other side. And its extremely clear, from the way this has been posted, that she's not being entirely rational about it. There's no world in which "head mum" is a thing.

Look, I'm a veteran of these "bitchy, cliquey school gate mums" threads. Without exception, they are always the product of an unsettled mind which has tipped over into paranoia. Women just don't have time to scheme and plot against other women to make them feel left out.

This deserves compassion and kindness. But telling someone their paranoid fantasy is truth is not going to help them approach things in a calm and rational way.

I don't get this "she takes my kid when it suits her", what, as opposed to taking your kid when it doesn't suit her?

I have never once in my life agreed to have someone else's child over when it doesn't suit me. I'm not sure what you're expecting there tbh.

I think you hit the nail on the head. There are those who want to make friends at the school gate and do (like yourself), those that have limited time/energy and bandwidth and choose to focus their efforts on pre-existing friendships (me) and those who are a bit socially awkward, don't know how to integrate with existing groups and feel jealous of those in the first category (possibly OP)

If even your husband misreads your texts, then that should tell you that you're not expressing yourself well. And if even he gets it wrong, us lot have no chance 😂

Op I think u have found one of the mums on here

Op I think one of the mums is here.

If you have never engaged in the ‘daft mum cliques’ how do you know what is happening apart from in your head? How dare these mums who are friends chat at the school gate and have the audacity to go out for a pint??

Absolutely wonderful for you if you’re happier to drop and go and not make friends at school- that’s your choice but you sound horrendously bitter about a group of people who you’ve never engaged with so don’t know anything about.

In that case, I think it's possible for your child to have friends without being best mates with the mothers.

My DM worked full time and dropped me off at school, my dad or grandparents picked me up from school, or I walked home with friends. She didn't know any of the mums and I still had friends.

DDs friends' parents even at primary school age I would say are acquaintances, part of a community, and we did socialise together when something was organised for the class parents group not not particularly separately.

OP: oh, why has this happened

Replies: it happened because of the way you behaved.

OP: you haven't read my post properly

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Trust your gut instinct in future and steer clear of any people or cliques that give you uneasy vibes .

Of course Motherland is a dramatisation. I know that. I’m not stupid. But it is based on things that happen in real life.
If you think cliques only happen in stories/on the telly then you are sadly mistaken and out of touch with reality.
Tell me why Op was part of a group and then shut out?
Tell me why there are hundreds of threads on here about being shut out of friendship groups?
Because it happens. But only in your head according to you.

If you think cliques only happen in stories/on the telly then you are sadly mistaken and out of touch with reality.
Tell me why Op was part of a group and then shut out?
Tell me why there are hundreds of threads on here about being shut out of friendship groups?
Because it happens. But only in your head according to you.

Again, we don't know if the OP was actually "shut out" or not. We only have her side of the story. It's very clear from her account that it is (to put it politely) ridden with irrational anxiety. I would be happy to put money on the fact that these women have a very different take on it. I've honestly read so many of these threads over the years and if you unpack what's actually happened it is invariably so trivial.

But if cliques do happen (and I grant that sometimes they do), the solution to it is not to go away and create conspiracy theories, muttering darkly about the "head mum" and work yourself up into a paranoid frenzy. The way to deal with it is to deprive it of oxygen, deprive it of your own headspace and just crack on with your life.

People have the right to choose not to be your friend. It doesn't make them bad people and you have to take this on the chin and just move on.

bingo

I love ‘Motherland’ and one of the reasons that it’s so funny is that it is completely relatable. I say this as a grandma, with kids now in their forties. My daughter has always been a great mimic and can still do a really good impression of the ‘Head Playground Mum’ from the 1980s. Ignore all these shenanigans OP; it’s very short lived.

I've already given my reasons why I think she may have been shut out in my first post. The language and their subsequent comments have been phrased paint OP as suspicious, doesn't always communicate effectively, and lacking in confidence (in a way that suggests she is looking for reasons why they're not alike - such as financial status, feeling like she didn't deserve the kindness, and there must have been an ulterior motive why she was befriended) seems like her friendship could be perceived as dramatic and very high maintenance.
When you look back at her own comments, there is actually little or nothing to suggest these other women were being unkind - she was suspicious, which led her to ignore the other mums at the school gate.

So yes - I 100% believe the drama is largely self-created and the other parents have picked up on this and decided the juice wasn't worth the squeeze. When people lack the confidence to actually communicate directly (like, why not actually ask one of the mums at the school gate if everything is ok) and run to mumsnet for validation and an explanation, it will obviously be blown up to something big, when the reality is almost always much more straightforward.

There is a quote which is relevant here: "You would care so much less about what other people think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

School gate drama only happen to people who ARE the drama 😂, or at least who are very very bored and

Everybody gets on with their lives, juggle a million different things and is too busy with their own life to bother with childish nonsense.

Mum’s of school age children who don’t work, often have nothing better to do than regress back to their school years. A time when they hung around in a gang and boosted their own ego by being mean to other girls for no reason. They’re hanging around with children all the time, or people who act like children. Some of them will have never worked in the real world or mixed with fully grown adults that weren’t drunk.

Seriously, you’d be surprised how many women coasted through education at one level or another and never actually had to get along with adults in a work environment where that sort of childish shite would not be tolerated. They just find themselves meal-ticket, become SAHMs and never have to worry about work.

It’s pretty pathetic. Text solace from the fact that you’re a grown-up, not a childish tw*t.

Harsh! I and numerous women I met when our kids were tiny had full on professional jobs. We took a block of time off while kids young now all are back doing what we did before. I don’t recognise your awful misogynistic description of sahms.

Wow. Misogyny 101

Lazy reply.