Question for Clique Mums or those who have dealt with them

[Aadamsfamily]

I have my suspicions but please help a girl out.

New to the school, I was showered with a lot of interest from a particular mum (the head mum), and although suspicious of her motives, I accepted her invitation in an attempt to comfort my child before the term started at the new school.

Though still suspicious, everything seemed to be going well. We went out outside of school a few times, she watched over my kid. At times I felt massively uncomfortable and exhausting as there seemed to be a desperate attempt to include me in this circle of people but everyone was so … nice. But then there were weird things like, I was gently scolded for asking for help from others and not this particular mum and I also noticed, stories about her personal life and preferences didn’t quite match what I saw.

And one day, it all abruptly stopped. All of a sudden really busy, all of them particularly the henchman. They all went from being kind and messaging back and forth to an abrupt end. It was bizarre considering I had been out for dinner with them and everything seemed fine. And in all honesty, they weren’t bitchy people. They never did talk ill of people but instead just talked about fun experiences and shared stories.

Cant for the life of me get play dates with my child, I’ve stopped asking across the board. All of a sudden too busy to see me but I sort of know their schedule, none of them work.

The only thing I can think of is that I’m not wealthy. They’re very wealthy.

One of them, will take my child out according to whenever it suits them, and then when we ask, no reply. But I know this person literally has their phone on their face all of the time.

School runs are a bit weird now, I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach them anymore therefore avert my eyes.

The only other thing I can think of is that the head of the gang doesn’t like a particular parent and I was once speaking to that person. That being said, strangely as when it suit the mood of the main one they will be so warm and hug me.

I’m just confused and it’s just a bit weird.

I don’t mind in the sense that I found the outings exhausting and I like to mostly sit at home and read book after book after book, in my pyjamas, no bra and just wrapped in a blanket.

I won’t lie and say that I’m not trying to figure out what went sideways but I genuinely can’t think of what I did wrong. 😑 However I do know in my old school, this happened to other mums that I was friends with so I know it happens. I just wonder whether they were just measuring me up and then disposed of me once they were done with me.

i did notice at one of the outings, the useful mums were invited. Those with some status whether it be in school or in their private life.

no I’m not using an application. If it doesn’t make sense then that’s okay, other people understood enough to give me an answer.

I don’t need you to believe me either. I just wanted advice and a helpful perspective. Most people who understand the scenario have given me ways in which I can handle it and move forward.

This is why I drop my child off at the school when the playground whistle goes, and I pick up exactly as they come out the door. Can’t be dealing with all this drama.

I think they reached out to you and it didn’t work out for them and they are busy with their jobs, families, extra , actual friends, and general life and cba including someone who calls them names and is awkward around them and obviously looks down on them. People are busy, and, especially people with multiple dc, aren’t really that fussed if a particular child gets invited over or not. Kids of friends are a bit like cousins - nobody cares if you get on - you still end up at the same parties. They probably don’t give you a second thought and think they have enough social activities with actual relatives and people they like to put themselves out for someone who is a bit hostile.

Yes I was thinking you’d entered a secret swingers club by accident! 🤣

its not healthy to be so distrustful of people offering friendship and you seem really awkward and uncomfortable with socialising so maybe not terrible that you are no longer in the group more time for books !

I’d not advert your gaze when you see them as that could be interpreted negatively , keep it easy breezy smile at everyone say hello to everyone

id occasionally ask for a play date but keep it light and tell your son they are busy can’t make it this week

shake it off and not over think it , maybe you can ask one of them privately what the issue was if you feel brave enough but you will be told nothing I’m guessing, and as you’ve done nothing wrong whatever it is is not your problem anyway

PPs are all coming down on OP. OP was curious enough to post the thread question, along with her experience.

OP posed the question and believe me, I was not being facetious when I quoted @NerrSnerr,
I said that her post had answered the original question.

Indeed!

I think you’re both wrong and right.

I don’t think I fit in.

there’s nothing wrong with being suspicious. Love bombing or multiple texts when you have just met someone who is trying to be your bestest friend and telling you detailed things about their lives on the first dinner date is a red flag.

it’s absolutely 100% fine to be overwhelmed by this type of behaviour.

I won’t take your advice because I will continue to be 100% wary of people who love bomb me. It’s not normal imo. But that is literally just my opinion. I prefer slow burner friendships.

it’s also normal for someone to observe others in the way they behave, dress, how they lead their lives. It’s how I learnt a lot of things in life - through observation and applying things that I liked in other people in my life.

I don’t think they were using me. Where on earth did you get that???? I like my sofa and my books. I didn’t focus on their money but I was aware of it, and I wondered whether that would affect the friendship in anyway. And that’s okay to have that train of thought because people are allowed to think things. I accepted the invitation because they were keen on meeting my child and my child was new … that’s okay.

I reciprocate to the best of my ability. It wasn’t fake , again what makes you think I was fake? Why would I fake reciprocating to the friends of my child? I wanted my child’s friend to have a nice time

and by saying I fake fake reciprocated you missed the point entirely which is … why can’t my child be friends outside of school with these kids when it was once okay and all of a sudden not okay? I want the kids to be friends because they all like each other.

I don’t think you read any of my posts properly.

All the faux naivety about cliques on the playground 🤣 if you’re not aware of it you’re probably part of the clique! (Backed up by the “well I can understand why they dropped you” comments - defensive much??!)

Thank you that’s so helpful and thank you for making it light hearted. That really resonated with me.

You didn’t read all of the posts because I explain why I referred to them as that. And therefore your point of how I view them is invalid.

Yeah I agree with this - the people who get defensive are either doing the social exclusion thing or have been lucky enough to not experience it. It sucks when women behave like this - I remember mums at the gate literally planning nights out without inviting me when I was standing right by them. I don’t understand it OP but I believe it does happen. It gets easier as kids get older and plan their own social calendar.

This persons comments aren’t factually correct. I responded. This person just things up based on how they viewed it. I never said some of what this person has claimed I said or felt.

It’s not faux naivety. My youngest is in year 4 (eldest now in secondary) and I barely know anyone from his class and only know one parent to properly talk to. If he asks for a play date with a child who I don’t know the parents I’ll either grab them at drop off/ pick up to ask or write a note to pass on. Some take us up on it, some don’t. There’s a group of mums who are friends, I think their boys play football together. I’ll say hi but they don’t need to include us in any plans just because they’re in the same class. They don’t need to invite me to coffee. They’re allowed to be friends with each other.

yep my older one sorts their own calendar out.

To be honest some people only want to be friends with other people who they deem to have some kind of social status (money). From the outside I look quite wealthy and put together but when they realise I live in an ex council house down a very average road, the fake mums soon stop showing any interest. If they are like that, you are well out of it!

Oh come on, I don't even have children and have heard of these horrors at the school gates.

I was there to collect and drop off my child as weird as idea may be i had a job and a life outside the school, yes I spoke to other parents yes my child had play dates but the bitterness people have makes me think they haven't matured since being at school themselves

OP, stop replying really snarkily to anyone who points out the immaturity of the situation – because it is immature, and you’re playing into it whether you think you are or not.

You can choose take a moment go recognise the value in that rather than react defensively.

Surely it’s just better to completely disengage. You can’t control others’ opinion of you or their behaviour. Socialise your child in a range of places and they will be fine.

Cliques aren’t an adult construct, they remain in the world of children. I’m saying this to be kind because it’s very lonely to feel left out, but any adults who still think there are cliques are repeating something from their early school days.

Is this a school or Gangs of New York?!

🤣

Have you in real life though? I only have on mumsnet and on American TV. In real life most parents seem to befriend a couple of other parents and not really know most of the others other than to say hello to, and it doesn’t seem to be a big deal.

Maybe it’s an age thing, or depends where you live.

It all sounds awful OP. Are they all 14?
Fake stories, scolding, backstabbing , only being nice to people who are rich?
Distance yourself from these toxic women.
They are not worth having as friends.
So glad I’ve always been in a rush to get to work (and too nerdy) for any mum ‘cliques’!

if you’re going to be snarky why can’t I be ‘snarky’ back?

or from my perspective I just don’t engage with people with bullish behaviour.

there are plenty of people who have given sound advice which I’ve taken on board whereas your comment was unhelpful and snarky in itself therefore if you’re not willing to take what you dish out, maybe consider your level of immaturity?

works two ways? I’m just not going to engage with your bullish comment in a way that you would find satisfying to your ego.

Thank you.

I don’t mind them not being my friends. I just would appreciate it if our kids who seem to like each other could be friends.

but someone did say it’s just more convenient to allow friendship groups with people and then the kids can be friends with their friendship group kids. That sort of makes sense