Am I being an overbearing parent or is this normal for 8 weeks in secondary school ?

[2026sendhelp]

DD started secondary school In September - an independent school.

In 8 weeks of being there the following happened. — was not allowed to play with the air hockey table as was told by the other girl she makes the rules. —was told Mutiple different lies about other children saying things about her like “ your the only one they don’t like etc
~ told she wasn’t allowed on the group what’s app because none of her peers knew who she was - she’s invisible and then encouraged to take a photo of herself for the girl to send the boys in which she was told by the girl nope they still have no idea who you even are.
-told that the school therapist and disclosed information to the other student about daughter not belonging in a form.
~public social media posts calling her a b* h** and lil beg with a further post referencing her friends ( not in same school ) wanting to Jump her.

we were told that this a fairly normal to happen in year 7

my DD is terrified to go to school every morning - she is a passive young 12 year old who has no so much missed a homework deadline.

No you are not being overbearing. Your daughter is being bullied

Have you spoken to the head of year/pastoral leads? I’ve worked in a lot of schools and what she is experiencing can be common but should not happen and schools are usually good at cutting it out immediately.

Report it all to the school, her form tutor and the head of safeguarding, in writing. They cannot do anything about it if they don't know. Provide as much detail as possible.

If nothing is done immediately, call the Head teacher, explain the issue and ask for the school anti-bullying policy.

My ds is at independent school. He had an issue in year 8, I reported it and it was dealt with the next day.

Talk to the school. Secondary school is rough but an independent school should do better.

I confess I don't understand what you mean about the counsellor but I'm so sorry OP this sounds awful! Doesn't sound normal to me - have you spoken to the school about these incidents?

Yes reported extensively to the school. Can’t sanction although seem to understand she’s upset. Called parents in but couldn’t sanction. Said main issue was the threats that happen online not in school so hands are tied.
head was who said this is normal in year 7
I left meeting and she was told to go say hello to the girl.

Personally at this stage in year 7 I'd just change her school.
Yes maybe the school could stop some of the bullying, but if shes got a target on her to that extent then she will continue to feel isolated, ignored and disliked even if the open bullying stops.
She needs a fresh start, thats completely abnormal in our experience and I wouldn't want her spending then next 5 years with children like that.

No this is not normal. I dont agree and independent school would be better.

Have you made a complaint. I would and then follow ip with the governing body.

Not normal at all - my sons go to a massive state comprehensive (years 8 and 11) and have not experienced anything like that.

The head teacher sounds useless. I'd be looking to move your DD.

Absolutely appalling inaction from the school.

Mine had similar issues in year 7 - someone circulating stuff about her on social media and prank calls to her phone - the school came down on it like a ton of bricks. They stopped it immediately.

Is all this stemming from one particular girl?

If so I’d be telling the school that either that girl is sanctioned and watched, or we will be removing our daughter.

If it’s lots of different incidents with different kids then I think I would just move her. But also maybe consider ways of giving her more confidence - maybe out of school clubs, counselling - so this doesn’t happen again.

Same girl.

Op, that sounds like a terrible school frankly.

The head of pastoral care should intervene, call in the parents, make it clear that bullying is not acceptable in any circumstances, remind them of the behaviour contract they signed when they first joined the school, and then make it clear that the school expect it to cease immediately.

One of my ds' bullies refused to stop, and eventually was told he was no longer welcome at the school.

Given the vile nature of the social media threats, I'd report it to the police as well.

It’s hard - we have been back and fourth on the subject over and over - going around in circles. They seem to understand and they seem really supportive of my concerns when I’m there but their doesn’t seem to be much action. She is not the only girl it’s happening to either.

I’m sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. It is not normal for year 7. She is being bullied.

Inform the school that your daughter is currently not psychologically safe in that environment and that you will not be sending her back in until the school can guarantee her safety. Using that phrasing should trigger safeguarding policies which might get a more appropriate response. If it doesn’t, then I think I would look to move your daughter.

I don't think that is common at all, and have had 3 go through enormous state secondaries. Yes there is bullying at all schools, but the fact the head said this is normal would be ringing alarm bells for me that they don't think this needs addressing.

Not normal at all. I would be asking the school what their anti bullying policy is and consider educating my child elsewhere.

If they are telling you this is normal for year 7 then I don't think they do understand what's going on.
What are their actual policies on bullying and their behaviour policies/contracts? See if you can find them and quote them back to them. I can't believe that they have anything in writing that would support their current approach

Tried this -
they do seem to understand the effect it’s had on her although took 2 days of school refusal at the door and me bumping in to therapist who is now taking the lead - who has not been told any of it had been happening. But again yesterday she was told by the Elsa that she needed to start talking to girl. No apology or anything has been given.

Is this in the UK? I personally don't think it is normal namely as it doesn't sound like they are acting in line with the safeguarding act. I do think secondary school in years 7-9 are terrible though for power tripping and IME at a school in the 90s it was the same then!

Have you had written statements from the school about their investigations and assessment of what’s happened, having spoken to your daughter and the other girl in private sessions with you and her parents in attendance, respectively?

What? The head said it was normal to be threatened and bullied in year 7? Wtf. My dc is in y8 and y10 in different schools (state and private) and the head in both schools would take it very seriously if a student was bullied. This calls for disciplinary actions/permanent exclusion of those kids.

Change schools asap!!

Yes uk - daughter is disabled and her fees are funded by the LA so it’s not as simple as pulling her out but I’m at a loss.

Absolutely not normal in my experience and I would be asking why they are not safeguarding my daughter.

Personally I would move her. The school has shown you it’s not going to protect her or maintain discipline. It wouldn’t therefore be a school I would be sending her to. There are much better schools out there.

No just replies to my emails but no real outcome.