Am I being an overbearing parent or is this normal for 8 weeks in secondary school ?

[2026sendhelp]

DD started secondary school In September - an independent school.

In 8 weeks of being there the following happened. — was not allowed to play with the air hockey table as was told by the other girl she makes the rules. —was told Mutiple different lies about other children saying things about her like “ your the only one they don’t like etc
~ told she wasn’t allowed on the group what’s app because none of her peers knew who she was - she’s invisible and then encouraged to take a photo of herself for the girl to send the boys in which she was told by the girl nope they still have no idea who you even are.
-told that the school therapist and disclosed information to the other student about daughter not belonging in a form.
~public social media posts calling her a b* h** and lil beg with a further post referencing her friends ( not in same school ) wanting to Jump her.

we were told that this a fairly normal to happen in year 7

my DD is terrified to go to school every morning - she is a passive young 12 year old who has no so much missed a homework deadline.

Have you asked the school about a parent to parent meeting. I'd say that you want to meet this girls family and really explain to them the way this has affected your DD. I'm wondering if the school have actually told them the full extent, or put it out there like "this has happened, girls can be mean, it's only year 7, let's try and do better, never mind this time" sort of shit.

Is that something a school would even help with/allow?

The gorl doing the bullying must have such low self esteem to treat your daughter like this. Your daughter will flourish and be empathetic as she matures. I predict the bully will meet her down fall

I'm sure I'm very late to this, but just to say, as a senior teacher at a large secondary school: we'd take this VERY seriously as a case of child on child bullying, whether it happens in the school or online. I'm aghast at the response you have received from the school.

Move schools if Head won’t take firm action,

I don't think the bully has low self-esteem. As a former teacher, I saw quite a few girls who got a lot of pleasure out of being nasty to others and making them miserable, just because they could. It's an unpleasant character trait. One hopes that they will grow out of it, but that isn't always the case.

I would speak to her head of year or headmaster. Wether it happens online, in school or out of school hours they have a duty to follow it up bullying complaints and deal with all pupils involved. Make sure you send correspondence via email or letter so it's recorded. My daughter had a similar incident when she moved from primary school.A girl told everyone that my daughter was invisible and no.one was to speak to her. This went on for two weeks before my daughter told me. This incident was sorted out swiftly but then others started targeting her at the end of her 1st year/ 7th grade sadly most of bullying ncidents were not dealt with . I ended up going to the Local authority education department and they helped. Does her school have a campus police officer

OMFG poor thing, take her out of that school

It really is that simple. Your dd is being horribly bullied, and the school head has told you that it's normal for this sort of thing to happen in their school? Jesus. I bet they wouldn't say that to a full fee-paying parent.

Get your dd the hell out of that school, and tell the LA in no uncertain terms exactly why you are keeping her at home.

In which case inform the LA and explain the problems you’ve been having.

Apologies - Ignore above as I see you’ve already done this 😔

This is pretty mild compared to my dc experience in uk state secondary
we’ve had some physical bullying and people touching body/bags/desk/bottles and suggestive remarks made when bending down in front of a boy - in class
boy touching her bum - in class
bullying by year group above girls
bullied by large group of boys in one incident
a boy leant over and deleted her work on computer - in lesson
kids kicking at her in lesson

and now 2 girls have turned on her for her MH issues.

there is a correlation dyslexia and adhd. But it doesnt sound impulsive in your case to me. Sounds intentional from the start.

Sorry your daughter is experiencing this OP, no it isn’t normal and the headteacher sounds disgraceful to even suggest this! My DD goes to a mixed Catholic school and whilst we’ve had a few incidents over the years with other children and a teacher also singling her out, I have to say the school have always worked with me, the threat of Ofsted usually works although I don’t know much about how it works with an independent school 😔
because your daughter is only year 7, you should maybe consider whether this is really worth sticking with - personally, I would be looking to move her, I did move my DD mid primary school and she was nine at the time, and wished that I had done it sooner, the change in her within 6 weeks was unbelievable, she was like a completely different child and just flourished, the new school also put her onto the ASD pathway which is something the old school consistently refuted.
I hope it all works out for you and your DD, there is nothing worse than knowing your child is unhappy when they are not with you, do think about a potential move, your daughter needs to be happy to learn, and it’s really important for them to feel like they have their own people as they spend 30 hours in the educational setting. All the best xx

This is 100% not acceptable. Put it all in writing to the head and say you are not happy with response so far. And that if immediate action is not taken then you will be going to the school governors and also informing the LA, seen as they are funding your place. Do not take no for an answer

So this is a private setting that mainly takes LA kids - some of whom are likely to be very vulnerable. In other words, it's a special school but outside of the remit of the LA.

The school specialises in communication difficulties, and it won't just be dyslexia. Given that it's very expensive, the LA will have considered whether these children's needs can be met in mainstream, and will have decided, for whatever reason, that they can't. There will be various needs, some of them more challenging than others.

@ OP, I'm not sure you realise what you've got yourself into. The 'normal' rules of a mainstream secondary are likely not appropriate in this setting. And like most schools, the governors will not be allowed to refuse admission due to SEMH - which could significantly impact behaviour. However, the school do have a duty to safeguard your child. That's the word you need to keep using, i.e. safeguard.

The bit about it being online and therefore hands are tied….

that isn’t true. At least in state sector.

reality is, is that for whatever reason the independent school don’t want to intervene. I’d wager it’s down to the fact this parent is influential or wealthy.

I think you have to consider with your daughter whether or not yoU feel supported there or want to stay

I agree with pp that it is likely that the other girl has some additional needs which is complicating things.

So, I’m wondering whether you can tackle this sideways-on? Focusing on building relationships with the nice children rather than trying to push for sanctions for the bullying child.

Id choose a nice day out that the kids will be interested in, and invite two or three of the other kids who dd likes the most. Ideally include one of the ones whose parents also have bullying concerns.

Repeat that fairly regularly, switching which kids, but not inviting the child who is bullying.

Id also strongly encourage dd to make friends with some of the boys. I know it is a massive generalisation but generally mixed sex friendship groups are less dramatic than girls-only.

I'm sorry the school is saying they aren't going to do anything even though your beloved daughter is scared to go into school every day? WTF?! If they aren't going to do anything, is changing schools an option for you?

At a private school the escalation route is the Board of Governors.

Letter with evidence, quoting how policies have not been followed, and asking them to intervene to ensure your DD is kept safe.

Girl does not need to make admissions when you have evidence and the cyber bulling can be acted on by the school as it is pupil v pupil whose only connection is the school.

Head has just put it in the “too difficult” box, and failed to respond appropriately.

Good luck. I hope things improve for your DD.

I don't really understand a lot of what you are saying but if the bullying is happening online can you not just keep your DD off of the internet/phone. Also how is she seeing it on a friend's phone? Are they allowed phones in school?

Absolutely not normal. We moved our daughter to a private school from state due to behaviour like this and she’s thrived. Independent schools are able to expel pupils without so much red tape so in my experience it tends to be better. I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible, stressful and emotionally exhausting thing to go though for your daughter and the whole family. DO NOT put up with this. Either the kids need dealing with or move her. Teen/pre teen girls can be so vile.

Not normal at all, my child started secondary in September; also a private school and nothing like this.

What are there WhatsApp groups, why do these kids even have phones??

This is so serious that I would remove your daughter from the school immediately. It seems that no one wants to help and that is disgusting.

I have seen now that your daughter is placed by LA so you are within your rights to request an urgent review meeting and state that the school is failing to meet her needs

Contact the police.

No advice, unfortunately, just really sorry that your daughter is going through this. I despise bullies.