Am I being an overbearing parent or is this normal for 8 weeks in secondary school ?

[2026sendhelp]

DD started secondary school In September - an independent school.

In 8 weeks of being there the following happened. — was not allowed to play with the air hockey table as was told by the other girl she makes the rules. —was told Mutiple different lies about other children saying things about her like “ your the only one they don’t like etc
~ told she wasn’t allowed on the group what’s app because none of her peers knew who she was - she’s invisible and then encouraged to take a photo of herself for the girl to send the boys in which she was told by the girl nope they still have no idea who you even are.
-told that the school therapist and disclosed information to the other student about daughter not belonging in a form.
~public social media posts calling her a b* h** and lil beg with a further post referencing her friends ( not in same school ) wanting to Jump her.

we were told that this a fairly normal to happen in year 7

my DD is terrified to go to school every morning - she is a passive young 12 year old who has no so much missed a homework deadline.

I would say it’s common but absolutely
shouldn’t be classed as normal. Have you read the school’s bullying and safeguarding policies? Read them and if the school isn’t adhering to their policies write to them explaining what you feel they’re doing wrong. I don’t know how independent schools work - I assume they still have a board of governors? Write to the chair of the governors outlining the situation, what you’ve spoken to school about and their response and tell them you’re not satisfied and why. They should take it up with the school. Good luck, I hope you get it sorted out quickly

Thank you. You have made me feel far less anxious at my response !!

God, poor DD and poor you.

I would consider that this is all rather convenient for the school, for whom DD is 'problematic'.

I have a couple of times had to fight the similarly high-performing school for whom my child was an unnecessary difficulty.

If it were me I would make it clear to the school that this is starting to look rather like an attempt to force your daughter out.

If they don't pick up on the oblique threat and take action to protect your daughter, I would say that you're surprised that they are not more cognizant of the reputational (and perhaps statutory?) risk to their organisation.

With luck you won't have to be more explicit than that. In my case I did, so I outlined how my colleagues at a national newspaper might frame the story.

I play hardball instinctively and it worked. I think MNers generally will advise against a strategy like this and I understand why - I'm usually very effective in these situations, but it could backfire. Plus there can be unintended consequences and impacts to being this kind of parent - the child can read it as protective or domineering/overbearing/ego-driven.

They absolutely should take online threats seriously. Sadly this is not that unusual as year 7s vie for their places in the pecking order. You could raise a formal complaint and check the school’s bullying and safeguarding policies for wherever they are in breech.

It's nonsense that they can't sanction the bully. See if the school has a discipline and bullying policy, and ask the head why she isn't following them.

Fuck me. That sounds like a rough state school. Is she bright? Could you get her into a grammar/a better school? Some kids are thugs, lots of secondary schools are crowd control not education, what can you do. This book is recommended for anyone experiencing bullying: amzn.eu/d/dKeo2Nj

A lot of dyslexia specialist schools take children that have other issues as well as dyslexia (even the ones who say they don't). This other girl clearly has behavioral problems and social communication issues. You are unlikely to find a special school that doesn't have some children with behavioral issues in it. That is often part of the reason they haven't coped in mainstream. Standard sanctions don't always work for these children. It doesn't sound like it is a good environment for your child though.

this is a fee paying school, the place is funded by the LA!

It's bullying and given the schools response I'd have no hope of it getting better. Change schools.

They don’t take children with behaviour or emotional needs as apart of their admissions policy this is why the LA chose it for DD.
the other Sen school cohorts wouldn’t have been appropriate.

This sounds absolutely dreadful and not at all ‘normal’ for year 7

It sounds like nasty ongoing bullying…is this a girls only school by any chance…?
I attended one and definitely know what they can be like unfortunately

My DS1 also started year 7 last September- had experienced nothing like what you’ve described, in fact the opposite but we may have got lucky with his friends and school (local state secondary)

Seriously consider other options locally, she’s had an awful start and sounds like needs a fresh start somewhere else, sadly, sorry to hear of her experiences so far

Your daughter is being bullied and whenever you address it with the school, do by email and call it 'bullying'.
I'd also start to keep a log of every incident, the date, description and how your daughter felt. Keep screenshots and links of everything.

Then I'd do a few things; contact the police to report it and discuss what can be done, contact school and tell them that you'll be contact the school governors and the final thing (which will probably be frowned upon is) is I'd approach the parents of the child.

Secondary schools are an absolute cesspit, they're dangerous and damaging places. Your poor daughter.

This is not ok. Also online bullying is illegal.

I'd go back to the school and tell them you'll be logging the threats with the police (I'm guessing you have screen shots), and make sure to do so.
I'd also be looking to move school.

In the interim see what the school policy is on bullying/harassment and see how they have (or have not) acted in line with this. Ditto their safeguarding policy.
Write a letter to the board of governors raising the issue too. They are required to investigate.

I read them all back to front so did the ehcp co ordinator and he agrees unless we are reading to wrong they have not followed a lot of it.

They all say that but it means they don't take children with a very high level of emotional and behavioral difficulties. They don't want to be mistaken for a school that specialises in these issues. However, they do tend to have a higher number than mainstream schools because children often have a complex mix of SEND.

There’s a range of Sen schools especially in the independent sector. I know they are strict on intake due to our initial consultation rejection reasons.

but regardless if your child was in a mainstream setting who have way more Sen children than this school due to its very small number of actual children has the above done would say ok no action carry on … I understand ?

I’m shocked that an independent school hasn’t dealt with this better! My daughter is at an independent secondary and is in Year 9 and I cannot believe how great they are at crushing bullying. This is horrendous for your daughter to experience and I would consider moving her.

This is awful

I work at, and send my own children to, an independant school.

This simply would not be accepted: The students are expected to follow the school values, at all times, and not only while at school. Anything that happens over whatsapp etc is dealt with as if it had happened face to face in school, with the lesson that you need behave appropriately ALL the time, not only in school.

You DD does not deserve to be bullied and school should be much more supportive

Then that's definitely something for the board of governors to investigate. If you're able (and willing) to cite the policy section(s) they fail to meet alongside the issues you've experienced it gives the teachers minimising the issues less wiggle room.

You could do a data access request for all of the information that the school holds on you and your DD - that will be very revealing about what steps they are or are not taking. It will also tie them in knots as they have to spend lots of time dealing with it.

I know there is a range as I work in that area of education but unfortunately it is very common issue that you are having.

Glad you are feeling less anxious OP, it can be hard when professionals are acting like this is no big deal.

Definitely go to the governors next. And the police. Don’t let it drop and tolerate it.

If she is funded by the LA (I am assuming via an EHCP or is a Care Experienced Child). Contact your LA who manages the EHCP or Virtual School. Request a safeguarding and discrimination professionals meeting.

I am wondering if the bullying could be attributed to the disability. Disability is a protected characteristic (a potential discrimination charge should light fire up their bottoms regarding un-professional behaviour from the school). I cannot believe that ELSA or a therapist would be suggesting that a child or an adult have an interaction with an individual that was making them distressed.