Am I being an overbearing parent or is this normal for 8 weeks in secondary school ?

[2026sendhelp]

DD started secondary school In September - an independent school.

In 8 weeks of being there the following happened. — was not allowed to play with the air hockey table as was told by the other girl she makes the rules. —was told Mutiple different lies about other children saying things about her like “ your the only one they don’t like etc
~ told she wasn’t allowed on the group what’s app because none of her peers knew who she was - she’s invisible and then encouraged to take a photo of herself for the girl to send the boys in which she was told by the girl nope they still have no idea who you even are.
-told that the school therapist and disclosed information to the other student about daughter not belonging in a form.
~public social media posts calling her a b* h** and lil beg with a further post referencing her friends ( not in same school ) wanting to Jump her.

we were told that this a fairly normal to happen in year 7

my DD is terrified to go to school every morning - she is a passive young 12 year old who has no so much missed a homework deadline.

YANBU!! This is terrible and is bullying

This is awful - this is Grade A bullying - step in, speak to the school - needs resolving asap

This is absolutely not typical year 7 stuff and my son’s school deal firmly with any bullying be it online/in person, on their grounds or off.
Its tricky because it sounds like the school otherwise caters for her needs and is one of only a few schools that can?
I would look into seeing if any other schools can now cater for her/has space as some
children may have not taken up their offer of places/moved. Is homeschooling until you find another provision if it continues an option?
Independent schools can be a law to themselves and are not always as effective at dealing with issues as mainstream school so I would be wary of keeping her there and hoping they resolve it if there is any other option.
Girls can be mean but saying it’s normal year 7 behaviour is not a reasonable excuse.

The same. Any sort of online bullying, WhatsApp etc is dealt with very firmly at my children's school including suspensions in year 7 to make an example of it.

The school is being utterly useless and it's entirely in their hands, that's why you are paying for independent schooling. So I'd also look for an alternative and take steps to identify if you can where they are not holding to their own policies or reinterpreting them which form part of the terms and conditions. When you can quote their own stuff back at them citing they are in breach of it, you have grounds to not give a terms notice.

What I would say, is that school often won't tell you what they have done as part of the discipline but then the problem child will quietly exit at the end of the school year. It's rarely just one child having an issue. You may have to read between the lines if they say verbally the problem will be resolved shortly.

In the meantime, try to find allies for your daughter with a bit of backbone and [tricky I know] teach her to stand up for herself a bit.
Start by taking her off all social media if she's on it. Difficult to bully someone who doesn't exist.

It shouldn’t be normal. What the head is actually doing is normalising bad behaviour. I’d be pretty furious and would either make a complete nuisance of myself about it or I would change schools, I’d not want them getting my money. My kids went to an independent senior school and one kid got some quite mild bullying but the teachers were on it like a hot brick! That's what you pay for. Their pastoral care is not good enough.

Ask them to see their policy on pastoral care.

This is not normal.

Bad enough being bullied in a state secondary school, but to know that your parents are paying for you to be treated like this?

I know that's not the point, but I was badly bullied at a state secondary school in the '70s. If my parents had been paying for me to attend an independent school, I'd have told them to move me elsewhere.

I think if one other parent has already got the police involved, you need to as well. Write the the governors and say you have taken this step as the have informed you they are not prepared to take any action regarding cyber bullying.

if your DDs place is paid for by the LA due to her disability, do you have a contact with the LA you can rely what’s happening to and that the school, question if there’s any other options.

Yes 54 k to 🤣🤣🤣 sorry I should not laugh but if you don’t you will cry !

I think I’m going to struggle to get the La to move her with the fees for this year already been paid

Fucking hell! No experience of independent schools but 20 odd years of state. That would have been shot down in flames! Photos for the boys? Safeguarding. Breech of confidentiality info- safeguarding and gdpr. Bullying-pastoral team and hoy. Written complaint to head, governors and whoever else is in authority over the school. Move her. That culture seems well entrenched and will take a bomb to dislodge.

Sod that.

As a teacher and middle manager, I fought this kind of nonsense in a state secondary school in Scotland. I'd be damned if I would pay for the most precious person in my life to be treated like this.

I've just seen that your LA pays DD's fees. You absolutely must let them know what is happening, this is a Safeguarding issue, especially as your child is vulnerable. OFSTED would be interested in this lack of safeguarding of a vulnerable pupil, too.

You should actually have more influence because of your DD's circumstances than if you paid the fees yourself.

Me too. I was bullied at state secondary which very much coloured my view on state vs private for my own kids. It’s why I wouldn’t accept this head’s view at a fee paying school. I was very pleased to hear how they treated bullying at my kids school. They did pride themselves on their pastoral care.

Ah. Sorry. Didn't read this before I posted.

You need to complain to the LA.

I'd be looking for a new placement. I really would.

In that case, I'm wondering whether the bullying should be treated as a hate crime.

Of course you are not being "overbearing"
Your daughter is being bullied.
Bullying is not "normal" in any year.
What happened about the allegation regarding the therapist?
Get evidence of the cyber bullying inform the school (when they say not their domain as outside school) advise the school you wil report to LA and to the police.
Get a copy of their anti bullying policy and check that they are following the procedures correctly.
Get support from anti bullying support groups .
Document every incident.
Im sorry your duaghter is experiencing such awful treatment at school but i am glad you are advocating for her.

So on the day I was called in to have a trying was the first day back and seemed so on the ball and they were so nice. I left DD upset hoping she would settle into class and get the support she needed as promised.
what happened was when I left they told her she should go say hello to said girl. The girl was upset because she had fallen out with alot of the girls over different incidents.

when DD got to class the girl had told some other students what had happened but told them it was DD and another student who had made the posts about her so daughter was left getting questioned.

head teacher then goes to the students including those not involved and tells them the whole story including other incidents with other children and then named all the children ( including mine ) who had to have parents called in.
they didn’t specify obviously which one was the victim of the perpetrator so this left daighyer feeling embarrassed and like she was labelled apart of the issue rather than a victim and then had to still defend her self that it was not her.

I emailed about this and was very angry but she just said that it was for good reasons.

I am so very sorry.

ETA

The LA should be able to demand to have the bulk of the fees reimbursed, I should hope.

There was some online bullying in year 6 amongst the girls. Out of school hours. They called the police in to give everyone a talk on age of criminal responsibility. The girls concerned got personal warnings from the police with their parents.

They absolutely can do something

This is awful. My daughter's school in Year 7 heavily stamped down on online bullying occurring outside of school. They excluded the child.

have you been to the LA with your evidence? edit: I see that you have. I don't understand why they cannot receive a refund if they aren't receiving the service (safe appropriate schooling for a child) that they have paid for.

Yes I have spoken to our co ordinator, sent a detailed email like requested with what’s happened and evidence.

Get her out asap!

If this is normal for year 7 I fear for society, what dreadful and disgusting behaviour in any human being let alone children. Kids will be cruel but there need to be repercussions and a system in place where they are completely made to take responsibility and reform their behaviour, as carrying that through school into adulthood, whilst negatively affecting other children's adolescence, would be disastrous.

Heartbreaking for you and DD, what a bunch of cows.

Personally, i would approach the culprits and/or their parents directly to try to nip in the bud.