Am I being an overbearing parent or is this normal for 8 weeks in secondary school ?

[2026sendhelp]

DD started secondary school In September - an independent school.

In 8 weeks of being there the following happened. — was not allowed to play with the air hockey table as was told by the other girl she makes the rules. —was told Mutiple different lies about other children saying things about her like “ your the only one they don’t like etc
~ told she wasn’t allowed on the group what’s app because none of her peers knew who she was - she’s invisible and then encouraged to take a photo of herself for the girl to send the boys in which she was told by the girl nope they still have no idea who you even are.
-told that the school therapist and disclosed information to the other student about daughter not belonging in a form.
~public social media posts calling her a b* h** and lil beg with a further post referencing her friends ( not in same school ) wanting to Jump her.

we were told that this a fairly normal to happen in year 7

my DD is terrified to go to school every morning - she is a passive young 12 year old who has no so much missed a homework deadline.

They are afraid of losing fee paying students. I would put her in state in this case.

Oh no, that's sad, sorry to hear that. Could you look into it to see what your options are? Are the children all the same, there are no groups she could join or that have like-minded individuals? Of course that doesn't change the out and out bullying. If the Head doesn't see the harm or the need for the bullying children to be pulled up on it then it will be difficult as they set the tone of the school.

she gets on with the other children and seems to be well liked otherwise.

I’d tell the school that you’re considering a formal complaint to the governors.

And also that you’re reporting the online incidents to the police since the school have washed their hands of the matter.

Also ask to see all policies- SEND, complaints, anti-bullying, safeguarding,

The fact that your child is disabled makes this even more serious. Absolutely not normal and I’d be going nuclear.

(TBH I would also be taking your own daughter’s phone and/ or restricting WhatsApp/ social media until this all blows over too- not as a punishment but for her own good).

Yes she is off all the what’s app before the incident because of another incident revolving the same girl and another student that resulted in police report . unfortunately it was still noticed when aimed at DD because she was shown by another student.

This is absolutely not normal. My daughter is autistic so I have been paying very close attention to any signs she is not fitting in or being treated differently or not included (she doesn’t always understand social cues). The school has been absolutely amazing with the kids and have settled them in really well. Any unacceptabl behaviour (not to do with my daughter) has been dealt with swiftly. If anything, they have been overly strict. I would really be looking at other options for your daughter, she shouldn’t have to deal with any of this, particularly not when you are also paying for the privilege.

Oh, that's really good to hear but obviously the horrible WhatsApp stuff is awful. IME teens who think a lot of themselves really revel in the WhatsApp power to upset others so I don't think it's abnormal behaviour by some losers unfortunately but the school's reaction is not only unusual it is not compliant with safeguarding laws.

I really didn't want DD to go as I hate, hate that kind of jumped up behaviour.

This is appalling - school must sort this out. Probably by making an example of the ringleader ie temporary or permanent exclusion.
As a retired Deputy Head of Pastoral Care in a large High School I always made it clear via assemblies etc that there was a zero tolerance for bullying and the bully would be the one looking for a new school. My door was always open to pupils who needed to talk.
Sounds like these kids are getting away with murder.

Kids do go through hard times at school but not usually to this level of bullying as far as I’m aware.

This is absolutely horrid and the vulgar bully’s need to be called out. Their parents informed.

Tell the school to stop this bullying immediately or you’ll take your money elsewhere!

The head teacher is ineffective. Is this girl that’s doing the bullying a relative of someone who works there?

I would keep going in/emailing, really make a nuisance of yourself. This isn’t right and you are the only voice for your daughter.

The school arent fulfilling their obligations. Do you have a school contract / what does it say about pastoral care on their website? I’d tell them I’m going to report to the police as a child safety issue, unless they act on the information you’ve given them.

Everyone understands the harm of social media on children, now. It’s on the news today.

This isn't normal, except in the sense that vicious bullying does happen a lot. That does not make it OK though, obviously.

The head is being weak. I'd say she sanctions the girl and the behaviour stops, or I remove my child and will expect a refund for the term and any other fees paid. I bet she acts then.

Bloody hell - you're acually paying for this.
I assume they're reluctant to come down hard on thise involved as they don't want to risk them leaving and losing the income. I'd be voting with my feet.

Find their complaints policy or ask for a copy and follow it to the letter.

I think you also need to find a bit of anger at the way she's been treated. Ranting and raving isn't the answer but being so calm and accepting of their bs is too far in the opposite direction. It's OK to be harder on them while they are failing to protect a vulnerable child.

@2026sendhelp But again yesterday she was told by the Elsa that she needed to start talking to girl.

This ‘advice’ is tantamount to collusion with the abuse and demonstrates very clearly that the school/whomever said that is completely misinformed and badly needs to acquaint themselves with the actual evidence on bullying and harassment. Do not heed this advice whatsoever.

Absolutely, I would be doing all of this!

She is not the only girl it’s happening to either.

Can you join forces with the parents of any other girls who have been targeted and demand together that the school takes some serious action against this girl?

The school will know you are stuck due to EHCP and LA funding. But the other parents are presumably not stuck and therefore if they threaten to leave it has more teeth.

Is it a SN specialist school? Does this problem girl have a diagnosis?

So I have expressed anger - a lot in a assertive not aggressive way. DD is there paid for by the LA so not as simple as me saying I won’t pay the fees. I did however contact the LA and told the school I was asking about other options for DD - they didn’t respond with we will see how to meet her needs but rather we well support you in finding a new placement if that’s what you wish.

We had a one off incident at an independent school. My Child went the there because they were bullied at their previous school. The head of upper school tried to say because it was online and not in school they couldn't do anything.. I scoured their policies and emailed them with quotes everywhere that they had said online was still bullying- in their safeguarding and anti-bullying policies, and in posters about bullying that they had ironically just sent out! It was sorted immediately after that and they never had a problem again. Be the thorn in the school's side side- this is awful for your poor daughter.

First post nails it.

Can you ask for a copy if their bullying and/or safeguarding policy?

To be frank it sounds like a terrible school.

There you go then, they have absolutely no intention of helping her. Perhaps turn your energy to battling with the LA to get her moved ASAP.

It is but not for behavioural issues it’s a specialised dyslexia/ school.
my daughter has physical disabilities along side and it took a lot for them to agree they said no at first.