to ask if you care about appearing conventional?

[thatsgotit]

And if so, why?

Inspired by about a zillion threads on MN, though not directly a TAAT.

My own answer: outside of the norms of my job (which are pretty relaxed anyway), I don't personally care so much whether people perceive me as conventional or not. I don't think that makes me special or superior or anything like that - nobody is better or worse than others simply because of the things they do/don't do. I just don't care very much personally about whether people think I'm 'weird' for not following certain conventions (and similarly I don't judge others on whether or not they appear conventional), and am curious why it matters to some.

Again, I'm talking about outside of holding a job or progressing one's career, where obviously these things matter more.

Thoughts?

YABU = it matters
YANBU = so long as you're hurting anyone, it doesn't matter

Who decides what or who is conventional or not seems a bit attention seeking to me, I care what people important to me think other than that no why would I?

I think people who go out of their way to look unconventional on the whole have attention seeking issues and are deeply tedious. Blue hair, flowery dungarees, calling themselves non-binary blah blah blah. As for having to groom yourself in a certain way? Feel free to be yourself.

It depends on the convention.

Do I wear trousers in the tube? Yes (as in I would not take part in no trousers day)

Would I change my surname in marriage / see a man’s surname as the default option for children’s name? No

Nothing wrong with blue hair.

I’m unconventional in that I don’t dress like I’m a dedicated follower of fashion. That’s not because I am up myself - I just have a really really bad eye for fashion and colour so I’ve gone the other way to the extreme; chinos or jeans, nice shirt, navy jumper. I basically dress like a preppy man every single day.

I’m also single, no kids, no man, parents or siblings and am middle aged, so I tend to plough my own furrow in terms of interests, hobbies and the company I keep.

Finally the arrival of the menopause really put a lid on any shits I may have given about what people think.

I haven’t really thought about it. I wear what I want day to day and don’t care if I fit in or not. In the office I would wear clothes that are appropriate (we have a dress code policy). I also wouldn’t wear something to an event that wasn’t conventionally suitable. I don’t feel my need to wear what I want is more important than the other person’s event. For example, I wouldn’t wear a pink tutu and a bikini top to a funeral (unless it was specifically asked for!!). I wouldn’t wear shorts and crop top to a wedding (of any religion or non-religion). I think it’s just common sense and I’ve never felt the need to try an upstage anyone with an unconventional choice of outfit.

Are you talking solely about appearance OP?

I wouldn’t observe any convention just for the sake of it, e.g ‘blue and green should never be seen’ - I love lots of blue / green combos.

Ditto stuff about gold and silver jewellery

I have never worn high heels and never would, for reasons of comfort and ideology, as well as personal aesthetic taste.

Dies it matter to you if people are conventional or not?

It does make you look really attention-seeky and insecure though doesn’t it? Like a friendship with someone with blue hair is best avoided as they’d be so bloody needy. That’s the vibe blue hair gives off.

Unless you’re in your 80s or older, in which case you’d look amazing.

Whilst I don’t actively go out of my way to be conventional, I do like that I now fit in. I grew up feeling weird all the time in the 70s/80s. Emotionally distant Parents, worse clothes than everybody in the school, poorer than peers, ugly braces, national health glasses, bullied etc. I did eventually blossom as an adult. I’m delighted to be married with a good job, stable marriage and two children who to date are progressing conventionally through life. It is such a relief to feel ‘normal’.

I agree with you, it does seem to shout “look at me, I’m DIFFERENT!”

I’m not conventional in the sense that I’m not married and don’t have kids. But it’s my life and I’m not going to do something just to make society happy.

I give blue hairs a wide berth

I'm not particularly concerned with being "conventional" OR non-conventional, really. If I'm into something, I'm into something, whether or not it's conventional or unconventional.

I try to be my own person and I'm a mix of both conventional and unconventional, really. I have a lot of beliefs and practices which are unconventional in modern British society (I'm a polytheist, pagan and occultist). I've always been a fan of pop music that came out decades before my time (in the early 2000s in secondary school, I listened to oldies radio - 60s and 70s pop music is my favourite, I also like a lot of 80s and some stuff prior to the 1960s.) Those tastes were unconventional for my age, but not unconventional as far as music taste generally goes.

But pop-culture wise, I'm into some very popular and conventional things (TV/films.) There are many popular TV shows which I think are of good quality, entertaining and well-written/acted.

Anyone who considers themselves to be unconventional is conventional

I’m not voting, because the options don’t express what I feel.

Yes I guess I’m quite conventional. I want to blend in and look ‘about right’ in most circumstances. The usual stuff, I wouldn’t wear white to a wedding, flash a lot of flesh (tbh anywhere really), have upsetting slogans on my clothes. I basically avoid wearing anything that would upset anybody of a normal cast of mind. I wear clothes that are roughly coded ‘female’ or ‘neutral’ if that’s relevant, sometimes because they fit better, sometimes because of the situation. I wear some old clothes of my late dh’s which are neutral but good quality, warm, waterproof.

But I don’t worry about any of it. I wear things I like within those parameters and don’t feel any sense of restriction. I’ve worn stuff that attracts attention at times and enjoyed that. I sometimes wear stuff that is a private joke with myself - like turning up to a casual sex date in an outfit that Hyacinth Bouquet would approve of, or a dress that reminds me of a book I love. I’m contemplating a tattoo, like 98% of the British population, but would always choose to have it somewhere I can cover it.

I think I'm quite an unconventional person, but I care in certain circumstances.

I won't embarrass my dc, I make sure I dress in a "normal parent" way at school or in front of their friends.

At work, I dress and act in line with the expectations of my role, because I'm not naive enough to think it won't affect my career to do otherwise.

At home? I do what I like and it doesn't hurt anyone!

On some things I’m circumspect. For example, I have an open marriage, which I suppose isn’t entirely conventional. I don’t tend to speak about it beyond friends, mainly because it’s not really anybody’s business but also because I can’t really be bothered with fielding any questions or judgements it might attract. Which I imagine is why some people do care about being seen as “weird”: they’d rather just get on with their own lives and not have to debate or discuss their choices with people they have no impact on.

But broadly, I am, I suppose, pretty conventional anyway: there’s nothing about me really that anybody perceives as unutterably weird. I generally do what I want and please myself, but honestly I’m just pretty basic in what I want to do and what makes me happy. I sometimes make some wild card holiday choices, and there are probably a few things I do in my spare time which are a bit outside the mainstream, but nothing so groundbreaking that I don’t want anyone knowing.

Your opinion of people with unnaturally coloured hair is just that though - an opinion. The times are changing, norms are different it's really only the judgemental attitudes that still need work. I know people across the range of appearance and there's no correlation between 'attention seeking' behaviour and hair colour. I suspect your innate bias is colouring your perception here.

I think I am a pretty typical person but have been told that I'm 'unconventional' a few times. I don't think I have ever really cared about 'fitting in'. I don't think that people who do care about fitting in can understand that.

I'm generally quietly confident in my own decisions.

I guess it's all formed during childhood. My parents were never the keeping-up-with-the Jones's types. The instilled a lot of confidence into me. And I think, ultimately, it is a confidence thing.

I’m only talking from experience. Is it bias to form opinions from the people you meet?

So 'feel free to be yourself' ... but not if 'yourself' is someone who likes bright colours and dungarees? OK.

People who have blue hair and wear flowery dungarees aren't doing it because they think it will make them look 'unconventional'. They're doing it because they like that look, which isn't a particularly unusual one. They're part of a tribe just like you are, and they know that. They're not seeking your attention. They're not remotely interested in you. Why on earth would you imagine that someone simply having different taste from yours means they want your attention? Do you not realise that some people just like different things to you and dress in a way that makes them happy?

You, for some reason, are giving them your attention in your head because you don't like their appearance and for some reason get irrationally worked up about other people's entirely harmless sartorial choices, but that's entirely on you and has nothing whatsoever to do with their intent.

This (not picking on this poster, everyone who expressed something similar) is such a common MN attitude, and incredibly prejudiced and judgemental.

I wonder how many people with dyed hair you actually know? Or did you not bother to get to know them because of your prejudices?
And did you compare it with the number of "attention seeking, needy" people you know who look "normal"?

Maybe.... Just maybe....

1. They like the way it looks and don't give two hoots about you - oh, same as you do for your hair?!?

Or possibly also:

1. They're at college/uni and making the most of the pre-work freedom
2. They work somewhere that realises you're employed for what's IN your head, not ON it.
3. They fancy trying something different.

This is exactly the kind of judgemental bullshit that used to be pulled against people who did dress differently, or had tattoos, or piercings, or, you know, going back further, showed their ankles!

Thank you @pointythings !

That is just ridiculous, sorry 😁
Dying your hair an unconventional colour such as blue makes you needy?!
In what way lol
This place is batshit

It is absolutely bias if you infer things about their intentions purely from their appearance.

What evidence do you have that someone with blue hair is seeking your attention, rather than just having blue hair because they like blue hair?

I don't have blue hair, but after reading the thread so far I might dye it just to make sure I never inadvertently strike up a friendship with the writers of some of these posts 🤔