to ask if you care about appearing conventional?

[thatsgotit]

And if so, why?

Inspired by about a zillion threads on MN, though not directly a TAAT.

My own answer: outside of the norms of my job (which are pretty relaxed anyway), I don't personally care so much whether people perceive me as conventional or not. I don't think that makes me special or superior or anything like that - nobody is better or worse than others simply because of the things they do/don't do. I just don't care very much personally about whether people think I'm 'weird' for not following certain conventions (and similarly I don't judge others on whether or not they appear conventional), and am curious why it matters to some.

Again, I'm talking about outside of holding a job or progressing one's career, where obviously these things matter more.

Thoughts?

YABU = it matters
YANBU = so long as you're hurting anyone, it doesn't matter

I don’t understand this argument at all.

There are a variety of tribes of mums with different styles in my children’s year group - from the ones with dyed blue hair and tattoos, to the instagram mums with fake tan, fake nails, black dyed hair, to the blend into the crowd mums (like me). The biggest attention seekers are the insta mums not the blue haired mums.

Currently they are trying to arrange a prom for Y6 - guess which group want it to resemble a wedding reception in an actual wedding reception venue with stretch limos, everything white and glass with over priced over the top prom dresses and are not considering the children at all?

I would choose to be friends with somebody with blue hair over that lot any day!

It’s still stereotyping

Of course. It is not possible to survive as a social ape without 'stereotyping', i.e. using cognitive shortcuts to evaluate other people.

I think there's being superficially unconventional and being more radically so.

I wear fairly unusual clothes, I'm not interested in sport and have no interest in most of the TV shows most people like - I'm not going to sneer at anyone for liking them, just things like Love Island or soaps just don't do anything for me.

But I still live in a house I own and am married to a man and work a 9-5 job so I'm essentially still pretty conventional. I mean, being a burlesque performer who lives on a houseboat with her wife and their boyfriend, for example, would be more truly unconventional.

I like the idea of being seen as unconventional - growing up my mum had crazy colored hair and wore punky clothes and I love it. But I couldn't claim to be more than superficially unconventional really.

I know a blue haired reform voter , he’s had every colour going actually .
To up the irony he’s also a second generation Chinese immigrant .
So they do exist…..

I've always loved dyeing my hair bright colours and once had blue hair (well, blue and black stripes). I'm quite conventional as I'm married, have two children, no obscure / outlandish hobbies etc, but my hair and style of dress have always been areas where I've enjoyed expressing myself. I don't mind whether I'm seen as conventional or not because in my experience, people can really surprise you and appearances are often deceptive!

You're kind of ignoring that racist stereotyping absolutely has policed black people for "choosing" elements of their appearance and being critiqued for it or told they were "making too much of a statement" by wearing their hair naturally or in certain styles.

A lot of you seem to be reading way too much into the the statement of blue hair (or any colour hair) which is usually just "I fancied this colour at the moment". You have no idea if that person had pink, blonde, or black hair last week.

I don't think anyone who has blue hair or wears colourful clothes thinks about other people as obsessively or judgmentally as you do because they're focusing on themselves and what makes them happy. If you wore what made you feel good more often you might find you're not looking for reason to judge and hate strangers.

If having blue hair was associated with people who were not socially progressive, I think they'd quickly find some other way to tell the world how right on they were 💙💙💙

I consider an open relationship to be unconventional. None of the other examples strike me as unconventional. Blue hair once was but it’s not that rare nowadays. Ditto boho clothes, dreadlocks, tattoos. I would say having large face tattoos or a substantial amount of facial piercing is unconventional, as in mums would be discussing it on the school run and it would stop you getting some jobs.

Rather be unconventional than conventional!

There’s an old lady in our town who adorns her hair with all manner of clips, bows and bandanas, all at once - think 10 year old girl let loose in Claire’s - and wears all manner of bright mismatched clothes, with many layers on at once. She looks unconventional but she always looks happy.
There also used to be an old lady that scootered everywhere in a long flowing coat. This is before the days of adult scooters and it was a little kids one.

I think that can be true of some people, definitely. But not all appearance modifications can be tied to wanting to be accepted into a particular social group. I'm in my fifties now and I've had a nose piercing since my 30s. I'm not punky or gothy or particularly alternative, even, and I genuinely didn't do it to signal anything - I just decided I wanted a nose piercing because I did, it was no deeper than wanting pierced ears. It definitely isn't a 'look at me' thing - I can be quite shy sometimes, I just enjoy playing around with my appearance to a certain degree.

Many people that strive to be unconventional, blue hair for instance are just wearing the uniform of a group. I have found genuinely unconventional people often want to fit in.

I totally hear you. The world is not kind to people who are different as certain posts on this thread are doing a great job of proving.

I'm neurodivergent myself and I think I developed a habit of doing my own thing partly due to bullying, teasing and social ostracism when I was younger, in a sort of 'well, they're going to think I'm strange either way, so I might as well be me' sort of way. I haven't gravitated towards a particularly 'out there' way of presenting myself to the world, I'm just mildly quirky (according to some, anyway), but if I had experienced what you are describing I would probably view this differently. The world can be truly shitty towards those who don't conform 😞(and in saying that I acknowledge I am partly answering my own question about conformism.)

Wow, that convention still persists, then! I hadn't realised. I do see the point you're making.

Never gave it too much thought, tbh.

I freely admit I receive quite a bit of attention, and I like it. But I don't go out of my way to particularly seek it, as in 'oooh, I should prob buy this and wear it, it will get me so much attention, people would surely look at me!'. Who does that?

It prob stems from my early teens/tweens. I shot up to my full adult height at 12 (almost 6 feet) and received tons of attention solely based on that. I always loved being tall, walking straight and with confidence, and the attention was positive, not negative (mostly). I was scouted for modelling later, and did that for a while.

So I'm very tall, willowy, with high cheekbones, long legs. I stand out just with that. And I also like to dress accordingly. Sort of grown-up/expensive version of goth, with statement coats, statement shoes and lots of jewellery. I'm never in leggings or similar, always overdressed. I just like it. I'm very confident and don't feel uncomfortable standing out. I don't actively seek to belong to any 'tribe' (although I wouldn't mind it, obv), I don't have any goth or even alternative friends (used to).

The way I see it, I look however I want, and I'm not harming anyone doing it. My default setting when approaching people I don't know is to be polite, smiley and friendly. I have decent manners. If someone thinks negatively about me based on my appearance, or doesn't want to talk to me because of that, it's hardly my loss.

I don't care about other people's looks, but I do admit there is a certain group of people (style/looks-wise) I do judge. But I keep it to myself, obviously, as it's not my body/life and not my business.

I think I'm pretty conventional in my appearance and I like being seen to fit in. Probably out of insecurity, I'll admit it. I'd be too self conscious to dye my hair blue or get a nose piercing. I don't wear much makeup or have a definite hairstyle (I cut my whole family's myself) but that's normal round here. Partly because I had a bit of a Saffy and Edina relationship with my unconventional mum growing up!
In terms of behaviour, I'm married and have a desk job. I like the security (again, see my childhood). I have one kid out of choice, which is NOT the norm around here. The music I listen to (classical mostly) is probably pretty unconventional for my age. I also like listening to blokey things like Ricky Gervais and Karl Pilkington's ancient radio show, and I love old Sci fi novels and Schwarzenegger action films, rare for women, especially those my age.
Some of my opinions are unconventional for my left liberal, slightly crunchy middle class milieu.
So, like most people, I'm a mix.

You say 'social progressive' like it's a bad thing.

Like I say, find me a blue haired person who thinks it is a bad thing

They sound great! I do think a lot people manage to shrug off the habit of caring what others think when they get old. I plan to be one of them.

Not really what I was getting at...

I've been described as 'unconventional' many times for various reasons.

It seems that some people regard it as a positive and others as a negative 🤷🏻‍♀️

My children are both very conventional in pretty much all ways - dress, interests, attitudes etc. I have some friends who are very conventional and others who are very unconventional (far more so than me).

As long as people are happy and living their life they way they want to without impacting negatively on others, I don't think it really matters. The only times it irks slightly is when it feels affected. Like when people talk about how unconventional they are and how people are looking at them. That feels performative rather than how they naturally want to live.

I think the ideal is to be free from convention, rather than deliberately conventional or unconventional- eg to have the blue hair because you love the colour blue rather than because of what it signifies socially (just another set of conventions).

Depends on your age/overall look IMO. I have seen plenty of gothic/punk teenagers/early 20s girls with absolutely stunning vibrant blue hair - they just looked incredibly stylish. An 80 year old with a blue rinse also looks fine.

A fifty year old woman in dungarees with badly home-dyed patchy blue highlights does indeed look a bit try-hard, but it isn’t the hair alone doing that.

Absolutely this!