Friends villa issue

[Foodieasfuck]

My friend has asked for my opinion and I’m struggling to advise.
She and her husband own a villa in the Canary Islands. Her husband bought it when he retired 5 years ago. They have been together 30 years and each of them has adult children (of their own).

They use the villa all the time and love the flexibility of being able to go whenever it suits them so they decided not to rent it out. It is a home from home with all their personal belongings in it.

They gifted each of their adult children 1 week each there per year for free, which works well usually. Sometimes their ‘kids’ also join them when they are there but they each have a week ring fenced so that they can use it too with their own families.

She has just found out that 1 of her husbands kids didn’t actually go himself last year. He let his mate and his family use it instead (without telling them). She has since found out that he charged them for the privilege!

My friend feels that the son’s 1 week per year allocation should be withdrawn because he can’t be trusted. Her husband thinks (to save any agro) they should just stop them all using it as “it was becoming a pain anyway”. It’s causing all sorts of issues between them and they’ve gone from quite a peaceful couple to being ‘at war”.
It’s a bit of a lose/lose situation!
I’m struggling to advise her.

Whilst I agree with her that the son shouldn’t be trusted again, I can see that singling him out will continue to cause issues with her husband.

not really an Aibu more of a what would you do?
YABU = stop son using it
YANBU = stop them all using it

So the husband wants to stop them all using it because he is worried about the son’s reaction…. Sod that, he made his own bed! Don’t penalise the other kids for the son’s bad behaviour.

It’s totally fine to refer to adult children as the parents’ kids you know. They are still the parents’ children.

Seriously? Letting out someone else’s home is outrageous! Opens them up to all sorts of legal liabilities for starters, not to mention they are then stuck paying utility bills for a stranger. Plus who wants strangers in their family home, messing with their things?

I don’t think your friend can decide this on her own, they’ll have to come to a mutual decision or this will cause them greater problems down the line- especially if this causes wider impacts on the family dynamics/relationships and, for example, he feels he was forced to take a stance against his son that he was not in total agreement with or vice versa.

i’m not saying the son was reasonable- he was absolutely in the wrong to do what he did. However, it might be that his dad feels there is a different/better way to handle it than the nuclear option? I don’t think it would be unreasonable to say he can no longer stay in their villa- but equally I don’t think it is the only reasonable response to the transgression. Perhaps his dad would prefer that a discussion where he is told how upset and disappointed they are, and a genuine apology would be enough to move on from it, for instance. That might not do for some people, but would be enough in order to move on for others- neither is right or wrong. Perhaps her DH worries that never allowing his son to set foot in somewhere where they have spent good times together might impact his relationship with his son more than the transgression warrants? Or maybe he is using this as an excuse to keep the villa to themselves without having to be the bad guy for withdrawing the privilege from all the DC?

Don't be ridiculous, the Villa is the parents second home, they don't rent it out, they only allow their children to stay there. Why on Earth would he think it was ok to rent out someone elses property? He obviously knew it wasn't OK because he would have mentioned it to them if he thought it was

They just need to agree boundaries.

Was it explicitly stated that noone could essentially sublet it? If not then I think that needs to be clarified now and a discussion had between them all about how its used and when. If this was explicitly stated and the son did it anyway then I agree I'd revoke his usage but I wouldn't punish the others who've done nothing wrong.

If the 4 weeks are becoming a pain, is that due to them wanting to use it at peak times? 4 weeks across a year really isn't that much in the grand scheme of things for a holiday home you aren't living in full time. And in terms of upkeep and security its better to have it well used than sitting empty for weeks at a time. If its a case of when those 4 weeks in the year are being used, then again an agreement needs to be made around when these can be used so it's not inconveniencing your friend and her dh as the owners. Or those 4 weeks sometimes happen when they are there too.

I think their attitude to it all seems very formal as well. This is a lovely thing they have, an opportunity to look after an investment for their kids and make lovely memories. I think they're shooting themselves in the foot by doubling down so hard on this.

'She has just found out that 1 of her husbands kids didn’t actually go himself last year. He let his mate and his family use it instead (without telling them). She has since found out that he charged them for the privilege!'

I would just love to know what the son said when his father confronted him with this information and what their relationship is like generally? It just seems so outrageously disrespectful, sneaky and money-grabbing!

I wouldn't stop the others from going, no.

And, actually I don't think that I would stop the little travel agent son from going either, if he genuinely profusely apologised and realised that it was wrong not to check first with your friend and her husband.

What are the insurance implications for your friends if people are using their villa without their knowledge? The son who let them use it should face a timeout; it not fair to withdraw the perk for everyone when only he abused it.

This whole thing is strange to me. The concept of ‘gifting’ them a week each? Seems pretty stingy in itself given it’s a holiday home within the family that presumably sits empty most of the time. Anyway he’s being odd wanting to ban everyone when it makes no difference to him whether someone is there or not.

How is it a pain they've still got 48 weeks of year to go themselves bloody hell
The son who broke their trust loses the privilege
The rest shouldn't be punished because one of them was ungrateful and opportunistic.

This!

So one selfish person spoils it for the rest.

Your friends should maybe to their children that they can still have a week but be more flexible about it. They ask when they want it. That way they will have some control regarding his son.

Your DH's son behaved disgracefully, and he should have his week withdrawn. But don't punish the other DC.

Your DH needs to have a sit down conversation with his DS and explain why his behaviour was entitled and disrespectful. Maybe he can have his week back after a couple of years, and under specific conditions.

Gifting it to the kids is odd, just let them use it

This.

No need to make such a big deal about it.

I think she should point out to her husband that if his aim is to avoid drama and confrontation he is only going to create more if all siblings are banned. They are going to be pretty annoyed when they find out why!

I do think there might be other solutions...
Ask son to cough up what he was paid and use it to install a ring door bell, for example. That way he can have one more chance if he agrees to behave going forward, won't be singled out but will have faced a consequence.

Exactly.

Need more information on the son's reaction when confronted about his little foray into travel agent, I think.

I think I would change the sons week to something not very popular like the second week in September which would be awkward because of new school year times etc. He might find it harder to let out during that week 😥.I would also reiterate to all the children that the week was for their own personal use, not for resale.

There are 2 separate issues here:

1. The unacceptable behaviour of one son
2. The husband beginning to find the One Week Each arrangement inconvenient

I do not think these should be conflated but dealt with separately.

On the surface the son has been cheeky and out of order subletting.

However, for all we know there could be more to it? Are the weeks being dictated to the kids, or are they offered when they genuinely can make it? For example, perhaps this son couldn't make the week he was offered which he could seem as unfair (if other kids are offered weeks they are available), and so he lets a friend use it and the money he makes he uses towards holiday accommodation for a week he is available on?

Perhaps OP's friends kids get offered the villa during a time where flights are cheap but the son is offered it during times when flights are three times as expensive. Are they rotating the weeks fairly or do some of the kids have kids of their own and they take top priority over this son?

Yes on the surface it's he's selfish, ban him, don't punish the others etc but it would be interesting to understand how they decide the weeks etc.

I suspect the son has become bored of the same holiday spot after 5 years and has decided he fancies a holiday elswehere but is being cheeky and selling his week to offset the accommodation costs at an alternative holiday spot. Clearly this is wrong and personally I'd rather forgo this 'privallege' to avoid the monotony of the same old holiday each year.

Banning them all, will create a hell of alot more resentment and falling out between the kids and between kids and parents then just banning or suspending one kid. If the husband doesn't want to punnish his kid too much he could just say 1 or 2 year ban and get a ring doorbell, as someone else has suggested. Then if anyone sublets without permission again, permanent ban.

As the owner of a second home I don't rent out, I'd be absolutely livid. Do I want some total strangers rifling through my wardrobe, sleeping in my bed, using my aircon, possibly annoying my neighbours? Certainly not. If I were happy with that I'd be renting it out myself, with all the hassle of removing personal items beforehand.

Those who are minimising this should imagine how they'd feel if they went away for a fortnight then returned to find their children had rented their house out to their friends in the meantime. It is exactly the same thing, and a huge betrayal of trust. OP and her husband have tried to do a nice thing, and this child has sold them down the river and even monetised the generous gift. That cannot go unremarked.

Personally I would be demanding every penny from the little * and then donating it to charity.

As others have said, renting out in Spain is fraught with regulations, licences and taxation. Does he wish to get his parents into trouble with the Spanish authorities?

The other children should not be penalised for this young man's behaviour, but it would be a long time before he'd darken my villa door again.

Because it's not his to make money from. I wouldn't be best pleased if my children rented out our family home - as that what it is to the OP friend.

And to strangers poking about your belongings, most definitely not

I'd just be vague and say they're wanting to spend more time there themselves, and can't offer dates this year, then play it by ear with each child. It all sounds too formal.

Ah maybe I'm wrong. It was issued under the withdrawal agreement. At the time we were living in France but now live here.

It's all weird re 'gifting' but apart from that if my mum (or dad) punished me for my brothers behaviour that would be the end of our relationship