Friends villa issue

[Foodieasfuck]

My friend has asked for my opinion and I’m struggling to advise.
She and her husband own a villa in the Canary Islands. Her husband bought it when he retired 5 years ago. They have been together 30 years and each of them has adult children (of their own).

They use the villa all the time and love the flexibility of being able to go whenever it suits them so they decided not to rent it out. It is a home from home with all their personal belongings in it.

They gifted each of their adult children 1 week each there per year for free, which works well usually. Sometimes their ‘kids’ also join them when they are there but they each have a week ring fenced so that they can use it too with their own families.

She has just found out that 1 of her husbands kids didn’t actually go himself last year. He let his mate and his family use it instead (without telling them). She has since found out that he charged them for the privilege!

My friend feels that the son’s 1 week per year allocation should be withdrawn because he can’t be trusted. Her husband thinks (to save any agro) they should just stop them all using it as “it was becoming a pain anyway”. It’s causing all sorts of issues between them and they’ve gone from quite a peaceful couple to being ‘at war”.
It’s a bit of a lose/lose situation!
I’m struggling to advise her.

Whilst I agree with her that the son shouldn’t be trusted again, I can see that singling him out will continue to cause issues with her husband.

not really an Aibu more of a what would you do?
YABU = stop son using it
YANBU = stop them all using it

There are a few things about this that are baffling but I'll just say that four weeks out of a year is bugger all. If I were in a position to give my kids free accommodation in school holidays I'd be giving them a lot longer than that if they wanted it!

Is the son apologetic? I'd probably make it clear it was never to happen again, and then give him another chance. Assuming nothing bad actually happened i.e. nothing was taken/damaged.

Finally, if this is actually about your "friend" and not you (which... I'm not convinced of tbh 🤣) then it's really, really weird that you've been asked to "advise" and you're thinking about it so much to post it on Mumsnet! It's really none of your business at all, so the obvious right response is "oh dear, sounds tough. Anyway did you see Traitors last night?..."

I’d ban that son for x number of holidays there, put up cctv before the next visit as he can’t be trusted - I wouldn’t ban him entirely, this time! I certainly wouldn’t stop the others using it, but I’d be telling them what happened!

Does noone else find it odd that parents have gifted one week!!!!

If it was my parents it would be a "use whenever you want" basis as long as it didnt impact their stays.

I find that entirely weird above all else.

It all sounds very proscriptive with one week each per child. We had a home overseas and told the children it was for them to use too. They could use it whenever they wanted - if it was a time we were going to to be there too and they wanted it to themselves, then we'd all try to move our dates about a bit so everyone was happy.

I'd tell the child they aren't to sublet again and suggest they might like to make a contribution to the running costs for that week from the fee he received from his friend. That would be the end of it, no removal of the week in future. No need for drama.

I find the "gifting" of a week really bizarre and quite stingy.

In our family and others in my circle family holiday homes are always available to all if the main owner isn't there. Better to have someone in the property than it be vacant and they can sort any maintenance issues whilst there if needed. Check the gardens/ pools etc are all being properly cared for.

Pil have a large villa they built and we sent our electrician there for a week when I knew he was struggling to pay for a fanily holiday! They have had everyone's everyone there are various points. People generally send a big thank you gift and cover the cost of a before and after clean.

We've had weekends away in friend's parent's places lots of time and ski chalets of people I've never even met.

Why don't they want to share with nearest and dearest if they aren't there?

Obvs the son charging is cheeky but if they "gifted" the week as a Xmas or birthday present then I can see him thinking he could sell it on if he needed the cash.

So the 'husband' bought it. Not as a couple.

Now it's the husband's son who has rented it out. The husband is the one who doesn't want to tackle this.

My guess would be that that there was a conversation between father and son at some point about the villa and the son thinks he has some sort of special arrangement over ownership.

Has it been left to him in a will or does he think it belongs only to his father? Does he think that decision on who gets to stay there are between him and his father.

There may be a little more going on there that the OP knows nothing about.

👆This.

I would tell the son that he has used his last chance. If he does it again he looses the week and can only go when you are there.

Why should the other children lose out because of one sons actions. They chose not to rent the villa out for a reason when they bought it. The son did wrong. I would give him a telling off and that what he did was wrong and tell him that if he doesn't want to use his week again to let them know. I wouldn't stop any of them going.

Absolutely the son should stop using it. But not the others! Can’t imagine being that mean and tight that I wouldn’t let my own kids who I trust stay in my villa because it’s “becoming a pain”. What a tight arse.

He has form for being soft….

Thats what it’s all about. Your friend is fed up with DH spinelessness. I would advise her to keep well out of it and get out of the way to let the DHs spinelessness bite him on the arse when his own DCs kick off.

Unless they have European passports they can only be in their villa for maximum of 90 days out of 180, which is only 6 months per year so leaving it standing empty for 6 months is just silly, bad for the property and local businesses.

I would tell son he can't use it anymore as a result of renting out ... which is illegal in Spain without a licence.

I’d tell them all that as of now they’re not “entitled” to anything but they can ask and if the villa is free, it might be possible to use it. The son who sold his week.. that’s an automatic no for the next few years.

The son has to pay back the money he got for renting it out, that’s really shocking. If he ever does this again he will be banned, he has to prove that he is staying there himself or not go. Other than that I would let things stay the same, unless it really is affecting your friends’ enjoyment of their property more generally.

This also sounds reasonable.

I’d be very annoyed about that but perhaps they could just tell him it’s not on and get a couple of cameras installed and take it from there. If it’s genuinely becoming a problem, then now is a good time to review the offer for everyone.

I'd say to my son "Look, this is our second home - for our family so I'm disappointed you sublet it, especially without saying anything. Please don't do that again". But I wouldn't be banning anyone, or stopping them all going. They are their children, not tenants.

‘They gifted each of their adult children 1 week each there per year for free’

The whole thing sounds weird to me. We’d just say to our children let us know if / when you’d like to use the place. If we’ve no plans to go there go ahead (nothing about charging money or being free, that’s weird).

I wouldn’t want their friends using it though. That’d be a no no. So the son was out of order doing that, and charging them too. Very rude and entitled. He should give the parents his profits.

All a bit bizarre. I’d just say we’re cancelling the reserved weeks thing. In future let us know if / when you’d like to use it (not your friends) and we’ll check the dates.

Why does nobody have a mouth in their head?

”Use of the villa is for you and your family. If we discover you’ve sublet it you will never use it again”.

Have a word with the son and say it was unacceptable and must ever happen again or the privilege to use his week will be withdrawn.

To be honest it’s a bit cold to just stop even the son. Why can’t they tell him off and say if he ever does that again then they’ll withdraw this week?

to stop all children going just because of one person is bananas

to begrudge giving children 4 weeks out of freaking 52 weeks in a year and consider it’s a pain is also very cold and unloving

what a family 🙄

Depends on the country e.g. France introduced a post-Brexit residency scheme for British holiday home owners (which we are). We are allowed to stay as residents for longer than 180 days (although we don't, because of work/school holidays etc) and it also gives free movement in the schengen area.

I agree with you. And even these 4 weeks they are begrudging them!

I think what the son did was not great at all but surely if his father talked to him and made it clear it can’t happen again that would be the end of it? Why does something drastic have to come out of this? I would co tinge to let him use it following a stern conversation about abuse of privilege. If it happens a second time, then I would stop that one son using it but would still allow the other kids to use it. No need for a huge drama here.

Are the DC allowed to take their friends as guests on their allocated week?