The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

He is an absolute arse. I’m sure he isn’t but I’d wonder if he was only with me for the childcare and his real love was the gym/his sporting activities. What would he do if you went away or were sick?

He’s her dad and he needs to start acting like it. This isn’t okay for a stepmother, but it wouldn’t be okay if you were the girl’s biological mother either.

You are being amazing stepmum to a little girl but her dad needs to step up here and be her dad. Can you be busy, craft, gym , friend get together...

I would feel a bit differently if you two had children together and you were a SAHM, supported by his income. In that situation, I think there would be some responsibility on you to step up and help out for the whole family. But even then, it would be reasonable for you to discuss expectations and ensure he's also doing his fair share of being responsible for all the children of the house so you get free time.

But in this situation, where you have t even chosen to be a parent.... What?! I don't understand how he can possibly see this as OK. It's just sexism - you have a vagina, therefore of course child rearing is your responsibility. Such nonsense. If after a discussion, you offered to look after her sometimes, that would be kind of you. But this is taking the piss and it's awful. If you split up, you'd have no right to see the child, despite appearing to do more of the parenting than he has. How would that be fair on either of you?! He is being awful to you both.

The bigger question here is why are you with this loser? He spends almost every evening away from you let alone his child. And what do you think will happen if you had a child?

He puts a kid to bed at 6:30 in the evening so he can be a gym bro? And he wants more time at the gym? It sounds like she sees more of you than her actual parent.

You're the bangmaidnanny and he's a shit parent.

No, all stepparents don't spend more time with their spouse's kid than the parent. He's an asshole trying to put you on the defensive.

How long have you been with this jerk?

He has no interest in his daughter or in you. I’d cut your losses and leave.

How do these men always seem to manage to find a woman prepared to do their job for them?

She's not even your SD if you're not actually married - this is a disaster waiting to happen. And already he is treating you so badly.

I’m not prepared to do it! That’s the issue. As times gone on, and I assume me and dsd have got closer, it’s been an expectation. Now there’s an issue because I’m saying no

Some women are so desperate not to be single that they will put up with anything. That’s how.

If he things sharing is normal, is he even doing 50% of bedtimes and giving you the same amount of time away at weekends to do hobbies etc?

God you are an absolute mug. Read what you have written back, you can't make plans at the weekend but he can when its his daughter and not yours. The entitlement is off the charts. He is completely using you and I wonder how his attitude to you would change if you suddenly stopped being the defacto parent. God he really saw you coming, don't tell me, you pay for everything too ?

39 responses and 100% NBU is pretty telling.

He's treating you like an absolute mug, and his daughter like an inconvenient afterthought.

Why are you with him? It sounds like you barely see each other and he has no plans to change that.

Jeezo, he’s taking advantage of your good nature op. He needs to step up and be a parent. I can’t believe how entitled he is! Stop doing so much for him/dsd, it’s His job as her father! You are basically a glorified nanny with added sex op. He’s not even bothering to hide it. Sorry.

You're a mug. I love my step kids but parenting them is their father's job. I'm there for fun and support. I can't believe what some women will allow men to do to them.

He should be doing most bedtimes, he is her father .. when in fact the op is doing 99% of the raising of the child and all the sacrifices that go along with it

If she was your biological daughter too, I’d still think YANBU. Parents should share childcare responsibilities but it sounds like you’re doing all of it every day.

Come on OP make him parent his child. If he won't put her first show him the door.

You are prepared to do it- you're doing it!

We are married, Dsd is 5 and a half.

We don’t have any children together. I don’t have any biological children. If I did, I’d not think anything of doing bedtimes for DC, but the fact I have to sit in every night to be the one looking after DSD whilst he gyms it up is irritating. He’s made me think this is not a normal reaction!

But you have been doing it already. I wouldn't even bother trying to reason with him - he's a user and a shit father and partner - so just leave him.

Mate. You’re a dad now. You can’t be down the gym 24/7. Get a grip and step up.
OP this guy sounds like an absolute narcissist who treats you and his daughter very badly indeed.

Tell him you cannot love a shit parent and one who opts out of most of his contact time is a shit parent - if he thinks you’re a bad stepmum what the fuck is he? Absent dad of the year? Find a new hobby/activiity immediately that gets you out of the house for 2 of his evenings and one of his weekend sessions, I’d start that this week and go to a friends / walk the streets / hang at a bar, anything to absolutely not be there.
he’s probably just not a good one op. I’d draw up nuclear resistant walls on this and not take ten more seconds of his ‘you’re a bad person for not doing this’ bullshit