The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

If you leave him OP can you contact DSD's school and alert them to the fact that she is being neglected by both parents, and you are no longer around to look after her.
That should spark a safeguarding concern (hopefully) something might be done to protect her.
Or maybe that's wishful thinking on my part. 😥

Safeguarding also involved in school due to mums previous boyfriend.

Good that @seasonofthebitch has understood that it's not normal to be the default parent as a stepparent. Now I would like to adress the fact that when he comes home after having dumped his child on you- he wants to have dinner in bed while you are sleeping thus waking you up! Now who would do something so inconsiderate? It just shows that he doesn't care for you nor does he respect you. My dh wouldn't dare waking me up nor would he want to. It's so utterly disrespectful! I am sure there are other things as well because when you are selfish to this point the step is not far from being a fullblown narcissist. Who dumps his dc on his mum then on his wife. How unattractive. Never have a child with him- he's a lousy father already. I would leave him because life is too short to spend with a selfish man who doesn't know what love, respect and being a parent is about.

I can't help thinking that this poor little girl will be at risk without the op in her life.

Hopefully Op can raise some concerns.

What she shouldn't do is feel guilted into staying if she wants to leave.

He didn’t ask again!

Please, just keep this front and centre of your mind. He has shown, beyond any doubt and consistently over several years, that he believes that is it the responsibility of the nearest woman to be the default parent, and that he will do everything he can to continue to live the life of a single childfree man and do what HE wants, when HE wants, with zero sense of responsibility towards his child or his partner.

Please be under no illusions that this is his core belief. If you choose to have chilldren with him he may promise this or that, but this is exactly what he will revert to. Please do not expect this man to behave like a father, either to his existing child or to any future children.

Can you create a continuation thread OP? This one is nearly full.

in the meantime please enjoy your weekend away, sounds like you thoroughly deserve it.

I agree with this, he might promise to change, he may even keep it up for a while but eventually will go back to his old ways.

This thread is nearly full, please start a new thread @seasonofthebitch, if you want to keep the discussion going?

You sound absolutely lovely, but you must see that divorce is the only option.

Save yourself from a dreadful future with this man.

Extremely sad for the little girl, but we have one life @seasonofthebitch

@seasonofthebitch

Ahhh… this makes more sense of his behaviour, presumably the pregnancy of DSD wasn’t planned? He’s never been a willing parent…

What a pickle!!

What are you going to do? Could you walk away from DSD? 🫣🤷‍♀️ Really make sure you stay involved for the right reasons if you do…

DP rang me this morning. I said I was burnout, I didn’t feel like I was treated as a partner and that I needed some time for myself in the evenings and weekends after a stressful week at work.
At first he said that “we” are parents and this is expected. He also asked what I thought would happen when we had a baby.

I keep on re-reading this and my jaw hits the floor again and again.

"WE" are not parents. HE is a parent. There are only two humans who have ultimate, the buck stops here responsibility towards a child. Their mother is one and their father is the other.

Even IF she were your child, his point is moot. He isn't pulling his weight in the household. No parent who is actually actively involved parenting their child leaves the house to "network" for three hours every evening and every damn weekend. No partner who is attending to the needs of their relationship and their partner's needs as an individual is doing that either! The fucking audacity of the man!

To give you some perspective, my partner has a 9 and 11 year old. I am NEVER left alone with them, when they are with us he does ALL of the care, I have literally never even been asked. It wouldn't even occur to him tbh. Basically they get on with their stuff, and I may or may not be involved, but its not at all expected. I often do my own thing, I might come back and bring some cakes for them or make them a hot choccie, but thats about it. Im nice to them, chat with them, buy them gifts, but he does ALL the parenting. Its never occurred to either of us this would be any other way. When we moved in together he actually said he remembers how much he hated it when his Dad remarried and he never saw his dad without the stepmum and he wanted the time with them alone as much as possible. I agreed - they are at ours to be with their dad not with me. So whilst Im around, they focus of their time at ours is with their Dad (often they go out skating or flying kites/drones, or they are in their bedroom playing endless Minecraft with their dad on PS5). I am more than happy to keep well out of that. :) They aren't mine afterall.

I always thought the Matilda ending when Miss Honey adopts her because her real parents don't give a shit about her was ridiculous, like surely no parent would ever do that? But this is actually what's happening here!

If you love your wife and child you want to spend time with them. Even if it's just an evening watching TV or cooking together.

He said that DSD stepdad does nothing with her, and he didn’t want that for DSD

It is irrelevant what the step-dad does or doesn't do - it has no bearing on what you do or are willing to do.

Please don't be sucked into his emotional blackmail. All he is concerned about is not having his own routine interfered with by actually needing to take responsibility and parent.

I do feel though that this has been a positive realisation for you, as it shows what would have happened if you had your own child with him.

You can now make the decision of whether you are happy to be in effect a married single parent or not.

Sister has been supportive she also thinks it’s marriage ending territory.

Do you agree with yous sister?

Op be very very careful not to get pregnant. Because this man "what if we have a baby?" clearly understands that if you are at home responsible for your own baby there will be little you can do about rearing his child too.

I just simply can't understand how you found/do find someone like this remotely attractive. haven't you got the ick by now?

Merely wanted to put the situation in stark terms.

Some other posters suggested mild, but useless suggestions like, “perhaps you could sit down and work out a schedule, so you could have a few evenings off, and he could stay in with this daughter, feeding her, bathing her and reading her bedtime stories”

As if any of that the DP is going to do.

And yes, if that 5 year-old stays at the gym unmonitored or the DP leaves the 5 year-old at home unmonitored, then that 5-year old is going to get herself in serious physical and metal trouble unfortunately.

The stepdad, mother, gran, father all have their own selfish agendas, that’s why they have washed their hands of this little kid.

It takes some kind of nasty to abandon a helpless 5-year old who didn’t ask to be born.

And yes. That child already knows nobody wants her.

Mind you, in the original book the father has gone to prison and the brother (I think) is in some kind of reform school. I can't recall the mother's fate.

He's being completely unreasonable and very selfish.
If you can't out refuse, plan an activity of your own on that evening.

That’d be a no from me.
you’re unpaid childcare.

Because she earned lots of money, and he was penniless, and he wanted a “carer” for his kid. That’s why he married her. No other reasons and love isn’t a word he understands.

How are you feeling about this marriage now OP? You mentioned you’re a medic, so you’re bright - you must be able to see you’ve been taken advantage of?

I feel for the child so much - but this is not your responsibility. I think you see this now, I hope you make the right choice for you and put yourself first.

OP, while it's heartbreaking, it's not your problem to solve.

Let the poor girl's safeguarding team at school know that both parents are letting her down terribly; she's probably already on their radar.

Because she earned lots of money, and he was penniless, and he wanted a “carer” for his kid. That’s why he married her. No other reasons and love isn’t a word he understands.

Is he penniless? I thought the OP said he earnt the same as her on her doctor salary?