The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

You seem to have a beautiful relationship with her, but if I was her mother I would find you looking after her more than the father weird and I would prefer she stayed with me.
Imagine you two divorce, it's just too messy for the girl. She needs to see more of her own father surely

He is appallingly selfish. What if you wanted to go to the gym? What if you had a hobby or group you wanted to go to? When is your time?

Indeed, when is your time to have responsibility for yourself only?

I suspect that if you were to ask him about time for you, he'll try the "But you're not going anywhere..." argument. That's absolutely not the point, but maybe you should make arrangements to go out somewhere for half the time? Having said that, there should be no need for you to do that to have time for yourself.

Honestly, if your husband isn't even prepared to look after his own child...Maybe you you need to reconsider your marriage.

Why do you call your husband your partner if you're married?

5 and a half and goes to bed at 6.30?!

What you think is happening -

You are helping them have a nice relationship and making sure that dad feels good while daddy is not there.

What is actually happening -

You are facilitating him abandoning his dd.

Simple as that.

You will get no thanks for this later, from either one.

She may well love/like you but she needs him.

Even if this were your own daughter, your partner is absolutely taking the piss.

Op, was his approach a case of 'frog in boiling water' because I struggle to understand how a young woman gets into this situation.

He has a life that enables him to do exactly what he wants and I guess laid a badge for parenthood. Did he pretend he was a devoted Dad at the outset?

Please don't spawn with this manchild

Regardless of whether you have to look after DSD, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was at the gym for 3 hours every night! He sounds pretty boring and selfish to be honest 🫤 you are being taken for a right mug OP and you need to start laying down the law. Unfortunately, the fact that you made a huge effort with his daughter when you were trying to win his affections by being the perfect girlfriend has given him the impression that he can walk all over you 🤷‍♀️

Some people use that term for a husband these days. (Seems a bit weird to me, but I'm old. I recall feeling a bit put out when a family member referred to my husband as my 'partner' after he'd died.)

5.5 year olds don't go to bed at 6.30!

You need to take up some kind of hobby at 7pm several times a week, and definitely say no to the weekends. That's his time to spend with his child.

The worst thing about this is what a shit dad he is.

My husband has NEVER had a schedule like this since our kids were born! He has always done bedtimes, always changed his life to fit around children

he rushes her to bed at half 6 to go to the gym? sorry but no other words than what a loser

this is going to be painful for you but he just sounds like a bad one and there is no way of this turning out ok.

My DH wouldn't expect me to do this with our own kids. Tell the selfish twat to parent his own child or LTB!

Even if this was your child this would be shit on his part - don't think you wouldn't resent it because you absolutely would.

What is normal is partnership, sharing the load, being both parents (regardless on biology)!being present. But that is not what is happening here not at all and that is not normal. He is disrespectful and disregarding not only your daughter’s needs (I didn’t miss the step daughter part) but your needs. He is being selfish and only actually thinks about himself. Long term he will be the one who will have regrets when your little girl isn’t really got a relationship with him, and it will happen sooner than he will realise.

but no it is not normal for step parent or any parent to do absolutely everything it’s not right and it’s not fair. It will cause resentment and problems xxx

Saw you coming didn't he!

He is an arse but you are allowing it. How does DD feel about barely seeing her Dad?

He is being totally unreadable and offloading his DD’s care to you. She isn’t your child and this shouldn’t be your responsibility. Of course you love her and spend time with her, but he is using you and it’s not fair.

This. Even if you were biological mum this is shit. Don't accept it. Also 6:30 bedtime at 5? Madness and won't last. He sounds like a shit dad whose using you (sorry)

If all step parents take over bed times 5 nights and week and 2 days of weekend care… who looks after children who don’t have step parents or whose parents are still together? Parents don’t get to go out every night so that the step parent can do all of the parenting. Yes step parents might help out with childcare, but they’re not the default carer who can’t make plans.

Stop assuming your plans need to be cancelled / not made because you’re looking after DSD, and start assuming he has to cancel his plans unless you’re free and willing to babysit.

So you have to step up to look after his daughter because that's what family does. How about he steps up and looks after his daughter because that's what proper loving dads do. They prioritise their children over hanging out with their mates at the gym. I wonder if this attitude is what led to his dd's mum becoming his ex.

He is taking the absolute piss!

It wouldn’t matter if you were DSDs mother, this is unbelievable sexism. If she was your shared DD, it wouldn’t be okay.

I seriously doubt there are many stepdads looking after their step children whilst admin goes to the gym or socialising at every possible opportunity.

It would be kind of you to babysit for one day (I use that term as he is the parent, obviously if a woman adopts her child's partner it is different).
Even if you were the mum, you shouldn't be doing it all. Even the traditional idea of mum staying home, dad going out to work is less work for teh woman than this-because you wouldn't be working, and even in the old days the dad used to come home to spend time with his wife and kids (even if she did most of the actual childcare).

What did he do before you got married? Who looked after his dc then?

Why did his previous relationship break down? Was it because he was always out?

Even without a child in the picture, he’s out an awful lot, if he spends three hours in the gym several evenings a week, plus at weekends as well. Is this a new habit, or has he always done this? Must be very lonely fur you.

I would start being less available. Start a hobby on a gym night, or at the weekends. Coukd be anything - join a netball team, sign up for golf lessons, go to art classes etc.

What would happen if you made plans at the weekend? Just tell him you can’t do it and he needs to look after his DC.