The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

The harsh truth, which is horrible to realise, but will result in a happier you long term,
is that when this man split up from his ex he either had to pay maintenance for his child or parent her 50/50. He didn’t want to pay for his own child so took 50/50. He doesn’t want to look after his child because it can be quite hard and mostly not as fun as the gym. It’s fine, lovely even, in small doses and it’s lovely to have your own child, but actual parenting?- no, this man is too selfish for that. So. He tried to get his mum to do it, but she refused. So. He set about as quickly as he possibly could to find a woman to do it. He needed one who unfortunately was not brought up to understand boundaries or her self worth. He found you. But you are learning now. Break free of this utter arsehole op.

Wow, got yourself a keeper there 🙄. Please set your standards much higher. What an awful man.

So what happens when you go to parties and meals and drinks with friends? It’s sad he doesn’t want to spend time with you or his daughter but even worse if you can’t go out with friends ever either. You must feel really isolated stuck home every weekend. Make sure you plan some things but make sure you go out earlier than him so he can’t go out and leave you having to cancel

This isn’t normal for a wife and mother either. Like hell would my husband dare to do this!

HRTFT and only read half of uour OP. What an absolute prick you 'D'P is. He saw you coming. What's that phrase...nanny with a fanny...
Whilst I feel very sorry for DD, I'd have my bags packed and be off, that is unless he did even more of a number on you and you moved the cocklodger in with you.

6:30 bed time!! I never heard of such an early bedtime for a child. Poor little girl. But as other posters said, that won’t last for much longer, that really is much too early for bed time.

I presume she wakes super early? Who is up with her once she wakes? Does your husband give this little girl any time and attention at all? Sounds like he is very absent and leaving it all to you.

Meant very nicely, you really must get a life of your own. And you really must not get pregnant until this gets sorted out, as you must dump this sorry excuse of a man if this is not sorted out.

Such total lack of respect for you and total lack of love and regard for his DD. Absolutely unacceptable, and very much a dumping offence.

Organise a weekend away with friends, or better still, a week away. But I think he will just try have somebody else step in and care for her, he will keep up his gym schedule.

That is no life for you OP. You could do much better. This is not a partnership, and not a loving relationship.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Imagine if you left your child with him and went to the gym every night. I bet he'd be outraged.

He needs to radically change his ideas and expectations.

He’s not acting as a team, he’s acting as though she was your daughter and he was the stepparent.

How old is your DSD? I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my children’s lives when they were regularly in bed at 6.30, but for those lucky enough to manage it, that’s a toddler’s bedtime. Does she lie awake alone for ages?

You sound like a wonderful step mum but he is massively falling short as a dad.

His mum helped when DSD was a baby, quite a lot. I have a feeling he actually moved in with her at the time for help.

when we got together he would always try and plan stuff and when I said we have DSD that day, he’d say “my mum will look after her”. His mum has A LOT going on right now, so I think she felt it was time to actually say no I can’t do this anymore. And thus, it fell to the other female in his life!!!!

I am going to sit him down tomorrow, and say I’m not going to be doing any more bedtimes or sitting in, and that he needs to reorganise his day. I’m away with my sister this weekend so it’ll be a good trial run for him.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I wouldn’t tolerate it even if you did have a child together! Why should you be constantly on ‘kid duty’ in your spare time, but he gets to piss off out every night. He sounds like a self-absorbed, vain waste of space. Who in earth spends three hours a day in the gym??

This.
3 hours a day in the gym is also a level of vanity I'd find deeply unattractive.
Id be arranging a club/ / hobby at least three evenings a week for myself tbh.
You don't have responsibilities, he does. Sounds like he needs reminded of that.

Good for you. You need to start not being available at weekends, and some evenings too.

And stick to your guns because he is going to kick off about it.

This absolutely!

Erm, and you wonder why he and DSD’s mum are not still together?

I’m away with my sister this weekend so it’ll be a good trial run for him.

When you typed this out did you realise how absolutely bizarre a thing it is to say about a parent putting their own child to bed?

What a cunt frankly.

He would be unreasonable if this was a child you shared. He is doubly unreasonable as she's your DSD.

Start making plans at weekends and I would be out at least one evening a week, not getting in until well after DSD's bedtime.

You sound like a great SM.

It was sarcasm…

She is just being realistic

Poor kid

Tell him a few days ahead that you are going out on X evening. Preferably do this twice a week or so on irregular days. He will have to deal with looking after his DD. Just leave him to it.
It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with her, but he should too, and not be an absent dad.

Exactly, plus his daughter is being passed about when in all likelihood her own mother would probably prefer to have her and make her feel wanted and cherished.
he’s an absolute fuckwit

Are you planning your own kids?

That would give me the ick. Anyone who is that much of a selfish cunt is not an attractive partner IMO. Sit down have a conversation, tell him he needs to cut back and be available for his daughter. And whilst you love your DSD and enjoy spending time with her, he is her father and to be expecting you to bear more of the load than him is not reasonable. Prick.