The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

(we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together).
How did he look after her then? Why has that changed?
@seasonofthebitch Make your plans for the weekend and tell him you are out. If nothing else, his reaction will tell you how big of a mug he takes you for.

You are a dream step-mother, lovely and kind. You deserve so much more than your DP is offering, he found a diamond in you.
He is taking the piss out of you. People who mistake kindness for weakness are arse-holes.

I’d be telling him you are going but on weekend and he needs to sort out a babysitter. I’d finding a time consuming hobby. Tbh even if it was your child I still think he’s be unreasonable.

re the week Why can’t he go to the gym later? I mean I’m also a gym addict but 3 hours is insane. And within a year or so the bedtime will become 7pm/7:30pm.

Is he DP or DH? Bummer if DH.

He saw you coming love. Kick his freeloading arse to the curb.

all the responses of ‘go out first/get your own hobby’ etc miss the point that what she should actually do is divorce this awful selfish misogynist who uses her, disrespects her, is a shit dad, a thoroughly shit partner. Getting a hobby doesn’t change him in to anyone any person would want to be married to.

I love my DSS's but this isnt normal and not what most step parents do . The day to day parenting was up to my husband . Occasionally I would put them to bed and read a story or take them to football but it was never expected of me .
Dont let yourself be taken for granted

@seasonofthebitch Does he pay child maintenance?

Well he saw you coming didn't he. This is your opportunity for a reset, OP.

"Dave, I've realised I parent your child more than you do. To help us get out of this expectation that I will always be available I am going to NOT be available AT ALL for the next six months. What would you do if I wasn't around? You'll need to do that. I'll be happy to reassess things once we've broken out of this completely one sided arrangement. We can discuss it in July. But I won't be available to look after Sarah tomorrow, or this weekend, or next week, or for the next twenty-six weeks. It doesn't matter if I'm at home or out. I am not willing to be solely responsible for your child any more."

He's a a selfish, neglectful father and spouse. I just would not do it.

He is going only for his own wants.
He is taking you for granted.

He'd be an arse even if you were her full blood mum!

What a shit dad
I expect this disgusting selfishness contributed to the relationship with dsd mum ending.

you should get rid
he won’t change
he is selfish through and through

Honestly, I'd make it quite clear that he is responsible for her unless he asks you (nicely) and you agree for a specific day, and I'd be prepared to divorce. He's an arse and it sounds like he married you for the childcare (sorry).

So the little girl spends every weekend with neither of her parents? No matter how wonderful you are with her (and you really do sound absolutely lovely), she's going to realise this is a bit odd at some point and wonder why her parents don't want to spend time with her.

I'd be absolutely livid if I found out my children's dad was doing that on his contact time. It's literally there for him to maintain a relationship with his DC.

Follow some of the fab advice you've already had and do some nice things for you.

Why are you having to sit in every night if you only have SD at weekends? Can't he go to the gym at a different time before dsd gets up?

I have found myself doing this sort of thing so many times in my life! I thought I was being nice and kind and could not understand why I always ended up being taken for granted. Then someone took the absolute piss and I decided that enough is enough and changed my life by refusing to follow my people pleasing instincts. Only they weren’t instincts. The behaviour was drilled into me from a very young age and the brainwashing was so successful that if I stopped being “kind” I would get guilty feelings. No more. Change is hard Op and if you stick to your guns you will probably shortly find yourself going through a divorce while your partner seeks out another glorified nanny to look after his child.

Even if you were the bio mum this would be a really unfair division of labour so the fact he’s expecting this off you as a step mum is even worse. You need to start making plans for yourself during these times and tell him you’re not available and let him sort it out. There seem to be a lot of men out there completely incapable of seeing the impact their selfishness has not to mention taking their wives and partners for granted! You sound like a great step mum but he is being ridiculous.

This is bonkers.

He's basically saying if you had children with him, he'd expect you to look after them alone as "family". That's not the definition of family life at all.

But he's being a total CF making you be default parent to his DD when you're not even her actual parent.

Is he sexist, mysoginistic, lazy or plain thick?

She's not going to be going to bed at 6.30pm for much longer either, you'll end up entertaining her too.

How come you don’t get to have a life and have to sit in from 6:30 ?! He saw you coming. Don’t have a child with this man he is showing you he is a shit father. Bet his ex is happier now.

Oh dear, you married him.

Were you doing all this childcare before marriage ?

Even if you were the child's actual mother, it would not be on for DH to spend every evening at the gym while ypu are stuck in the house.

I recommend you start arranging things for those nights / weekends and announcing to DH that you are going out with friends / to pilates / to the cinema etc that night so he will have to look after DC. It would be interesting to see what his response is.

Our local hospice has an orangary. They have a cafe in it and yes it is different to a conservatory.

I wonder if he is really at the gym or running or voluntary training ....

Absolutely no way should you be doing this. The part where you said you can’t make a plan at the weekend because you’re expected to look after her… that’s made my blood boil! Why can her OWN FATHER make plans and go out, but you can’t? He’s taking the absolute piss. My partner and I have a baby and as the babies biological mother I wouldn’t put up with this, let alone if I was a step parent.

Your step-daughter is primarily your partner's responsibility, not yours. His gym sessions need to be arranged around his daughter. He's not a single man, without responsibilities! He's a Dad, who's little girl should be coming before his gym sessions and his social life.

The fact his Mum won't look after his daughter every day, so he can go to the gym, is very telling! I suspect before your partner got together with you, he expected his Mum to look after his daughter every night for several hours, so he could go to the gym. She got pissed off with it (who could blame her!) and now he's with you, and he expects you to do it instead.

Being a step-Mum means you are an extra adult in the background, offering a loving, stable home to your step-child. You are not the parent, and neither should you be expected to be.

No, your partner shouldn't be doing a training session in the week, if he has his daughter. The nights he has his daughter he shouldn't be going to the gym, he's the parent, he should be at home looking after her, regardless if she's in bed or not. If you're willing to look after his daughter then he leaves later so he is bathing her/putting her to bed/reading a story and goes for 1.5 hours (that's plenty long enough).

Don't end up being a 'nanny with a fanny'.