The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

“It’s what family does”!

Well who the fuck does he think he is then, the postman!
YANBU. He’s just a user and a useless dad.

How long have you been married op, to become this chicks stepmum and family?

LTB he just wants free child care/cook/cleaner.
Run

Um, I think most married, biological mums would have a problem with this setup.

You're not married.

What on earth would he do if you weren't dating?

That's the problem - he's expecting you to be the default parent to a degree that a biological mum to this poor little would would be frustrated about.

Honestly, i would find this so unattractive. I'd honestly rethink my whole relationship because of it. it's sounding like he's massively taking the piss, palming off his poor DD to his girlfriend, and doesn't even appreciate what you're doing - even if he's put her to bed then gone to the gym, you can't nip out or meet friends or work late yourself - you're still expected to be "available" so even your solution is bonkers.

Making him step up (hah!) by doing bedtime is still not stepping up. He's so far down low that definition of "stepping up" is still in most people's "get rid of him" land.

How on earth have you ended up in this situation?

Was it an emergency childcare thing that became long term? OR creeping and expanding and quiet assumption on his part?

Would you have signed up for this 1 month into dating him?

Honestly, I'd be moving out and separating house/finances so you can reset and go back to dating if you want to continue to be with him (i wouldn't).

If you did have children of your own, it would also be unreasonable - he is a parent - he should not get to opt out of parenting because he prefers to go to the gym..

Well whatever you do don't have a child with this loser. You will end up raising that one entirely alone too

How long has thr current routine been in place and how long have you been married?

I wouldn’t even be default carer for my own dc - what the fuck is a husband who’s the father of my children for if he’s not going to be a parent with me? If my dh wanted to go to the gym every night over bedtime we’d be over. When I was home with our first baby and he’d come home and say I have drinks Thursday, I’d say yes and? Is there another question? And he learnt to say I have drinks Thursday are you ok to look after the baby that night? Because I’m not the 24/7 robot nanny who can’t leave the house I’m his wife.

When do you get to go out??

Unless he is supporting you to be at home to look after his child - this makes no sense. His child, his responsibility. The occasional time is fine - and getting to do "fun" stuff with her is lovely - but expecting you to be a free babysitter to support his gym and running schedule is out of order. What did he do before you moved in with each other?

I wouldn't be impressed if my DH did this and planned all his evenings on the assumption that I would be there to parent our shared DC without me agreeing to it first! If you're partners, you discuss how you're going to manage shared responsibilities, you don't just impose your plans on your partner. And if she's not even your own child, you have no obligations whatsoever. You should start planning your own activities for his gym nights so he has to make alternative arrangements.

But you don’t have to.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

This is genuinely utterly ridiculous. What are you thinking? Sorry to be harsh, but why the actual fuck are you not making plans in order to look after his daughter? This is absolute madness.

I believe the phrase is 'nanny with a fanny'.

I know it probably sounds bad but to be honest I admire these men. There are so many of them and they are brilliant at roping in women to care for their children and often paying for the privilege. And the women fall for their nonsense hook, line and sinker. It's like some weird magic spell or maybe some women will just do anything to keep a man. Truly bizarre.

Absolutely do not have a child with this man

It is social conditioning, for both of them.

Oh dear, you've been well and truly doormatted. Why on earth are you looking after HIS child so he can do anything but?

Op your husband is a lazy selfish fucker - sorry. But even his mother realises this. He is also a crap father although I give him some credit for picking a nice woman to dump his child on - a lot of men don't really care either way.

Arrange to go away with a friend or to your parent or any blood where next weekend. Tell him late on Friday night that you won't be around for the weekend. Also tell him you have booked yourself into an evening class 2 evenings a week. Also you are going out on Saturdays from now on. See what he says. He won't be nice when his domestic appliance talks back.

Even if she was you biological child his behaviour would not acceptable!!
if he is in the gym every night how so you even have a relationship - when do you do stuff together?

what did he do before you came along? Is this why he and his ex split ip?!!

So Mum and Dad get weekends to do what they want as you are picking up childcare, when do you get to see your friends and family?

I know, my point was he seems to think equal sharing is the starting point but I don’t think he’s even doing that from the OP.

This!
I would find this type of responsibility avoiding, selfish, gym obsessed and patronising twat really unattractive OP - what do you see in him?

Not sure how you can still have strong feelings for this man. He’s a shit dad and a shit husband. His needs and wants will always come first. Awful.

@seasonofthebitch you are I'm afraid, a nanny with a fanny YANBU

My guess is that his ‘training’ is done horizontally!