The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

He's a terrible dad and a pretty shit husband as well. He's being really selfish. Does your step-daughter's mum know how little time your husband spends with his daughter? He is leaving all the parenting to you.

He's trying to guilt you.

What exactly are you getting from him? I question his motives towards you too, only you can answer this.
My dad did a lot of meetings on committees, when I was young ( I’m 63), and out Saturday mornings, it felt as if he wasn’t around much.
i made him promise the morning I got married, not to go out.
My parents were married

Oh god no. And what did he do before you arrived like Mary Poppins to facilitate his social life when he’s supposed to be parenting?

I’m a step mum and a mum. I’d be raging if DH carried on like this with any of the kids, he wouldn’t because he loves them and actually wants to spend time with them.

I’m appalled by everything you’ve said to be honest. Please please please don’t let it continue. Ask him why he doesn’t want to spend time with his daughter, why he gets to go out and you don’t, why he gets to dictate your time, why he thinks you’re so stupid he can try and manipulate you by using your affection for her against you.

A lot of single dads immediately want to shack up with a new woman to hand over parental duties.

It’s why men with young kids are best avoided (imo.)

Unless you want to do more childcare than him.

I can’t imagine her going to bed at 6.30pm for that much longer and going to bed even earlier so he can go to the gym is very unfair on her . What is his plan in the future ?

Leave.

He's a shit parent and a shit husband. He thinks you're his servant.

Even his mom has his number.

He is putting a 5 and a half year old to bed at 6:30 and sometimes earlier so he can gym with the bros. That's awful.

Where's her mom in this mess?

So when do you get time to meet friends, exercise etc? Does he spend any length of time with his daughter?

Let us guess. Who does holiday childcare and drop-offs and present buying? He is mugging you off. Very telling that his mother had said no, she clearly knows his antics.

Start going out and being busy. He is taking the absolute piss.

This is both baffling and absurd.

how you can possibly possibly think this is normal op?

it’s literally insane.

its HIS daughter and he doesn’t parent her. You do it.

I just can’t even imagine how the conversation goes..

’Im off to the gym’

normal person ‘don’t be so silly, your dd is here, see you later, I’m meeting friends for a drink.’

mug ‘ok then’

what. On earth. Are you getting out of being in a relationship with him?!? I don’t get it.

His DD is absolutely 100% his responsibility.
Unfortunately you are enabling this behaviour by doing it! You need to tell him that you have plans for the next time shes over etc and he needs to make alternative arrangements.
I ended up being the school bloody taxi every time my SD was coming over because that was my day off. Before I knew it, I was spending half my day running about so DP could work late etc. Nipped that in the bud but it wasn't without his complaining first! Trust me, rip the plaster off NOW!!! If he breaks up with you over it then at least you'll know for sure he was only in a relationship with you for free childcare....

So what about your evenings and weekends, you have to give them up for him? And he thinks that’s fair?! To use a phrase I loathe, he is treating you as a “Nanny with a Fanny”.

Exactly this!!

I say this in the nicest possible way - get a life of your own. Join a club - any club; sport, book club, anything. And go out at least 2 nights a week to said club.

My husband used to go to the gym 5 times a week and leave me home alone with 3 children (granted they are his too so slightly different) and I used to have so much resentment. So I joined a sports club. Made great friends, have fun, stay fit and my husband now has to fit his gym sessions around my hobbies too.

His argument was also - but you are at home anyway so it’s fair enough. So I decided not to ‘be home anyway’! And honestly, he adapted and took more responsibility and I think got a bit of a shock at how hard it actually is to be helping one with homework while one needs a lift to a club and the other is having a screaming fit!

Does the 6.30 bedtime actually benefit the kid or is it just that early because he wants to leave to go to the gym?

Even if she was your child he should ask before taking on more training. He shouldn’t be expecting you to give up every evening and weekend. If he’s going for 3 hours can’t he go a bit later - it doesn’t sound like he’s busy.

He goes to the gym for three hours every evening? He is either up to no good or he is a boring wanker - and that's before you factor in the free childcare he gets off you. It's your life, but I wouldn't be hanging around.

So he can make plans for himself for Saturday and Sunday and you can't and somehow you're the one who isn't doing your duty? This wouldn't be ok even if this was your biological child. How did you fall for this?

You have no children. Why are you behaving like a parent with no childcare? He is absokutely taking the piss out of you and he is complaining now you have realised. Stop being available. Get a life! Go out with friends. Make plans.

and I believe the term is nanny with a fanny.

"I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.
DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family."

The fucking audacity of this man. I bet he couldn't wait to marry you. A young DD and he quickly finds a willing woman to play mummy, marry her quick and relieve him of having to actually parent his own child.

Please do not have a child with this user, you'll end up like the woman on the other thread, being left juggling the children whilst her DH swans off to the gym at dinner time every evening.

Honestly, my heart sank when I read you were married to him. Ughhh what a mistake. This man is a user, and now his disobedient wife has called him out on his failures as a father, he's going on the defence to try to put you back in your box.

I feel for you, men like him are utterly selfish. Please reassess if you want to remain married to this selfish user. You will be left to do all parenting if you have your own child with him, whilst he swans off and does what he wants, when he wants. Men like him don't change.

You sound like a really lovely woman, and sadly this man has used that to his advantage.

It’s really weird. Op, are you scared of being single? Is that why you put up with this/think it’s normal? Why do you imagine being in a relationship like this is better than being single?

You've found yourself a real prize. What an utterly lousy excuse of a father he is. I wouldn't stand for this even if sd was my own dd much less in this scenario. I'd dump the git.

This wouldn’t even be acceptable if you were actually her mother OP.

Yes. That’s what I was wondering!

Come on op, he us a user and a useless father.

He saw you coming...

There is a reason he is no longer with the child’s mother, could it be she’d had enough of his selfish behaviour?

Think long and hard about how he is behaving as a parent before you make any long term commitments to this man. He doesn’t sound like a a great dad, run!