The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

I don’t think it matters where he goes he basically fobs of his own daughter on his wife because he doesn’t want to parent her. He doesn’t just go the gym he does other stuff leaving the op alone with his kid. He is a shitty parent and his business should not become before his dd he works for a wage he just doesn’t want to give up his freedom and expects op to give up her life. She cannot leave the house when he’s at the gym or at his group a biological mother would be pissed off by this. He’s a selfish man and her real mother is no better.

It's desperately sad for your stepdaughter, she's got two useless parents. But at least your husband is showing you exactly who he is before you have a child with him. This isn't parenting, because he's not acting like a parent at all.

He won't change, sadly. Even if he steps up now for a while, he clearly sees parenting as predominantly a woman's job, and if you have a child with him, you will be doing all the work. If you want children (and possibly even if you don't) I would leave to find someone who values you as more than just a nanny for his kid.

look at the scumbag attitudes of the whole family: mother drops her own kid off at 6am SO SHE CAN FUCK OTHER MEN. Grandmother wants nothing to do with the grandkid so she can watch TV & get her nails done.... what happens WHEN equipment falls on her head. .....the kid WILL be dumped disabled in social services..... Stepdad thinks sod that! Looking after someone else’s brat. He’s down the pub.

Christ, it's dark inside your head isn't it? 😄

I’d be considering leaving her father first, then adopting her and getting PR, then making both her parents pay for her keep. Well, I probably wouldn’t, but the poor child would be better off if this happened. OP is worth 10 of them (and @seasonofthebitch i applaud your boundaries, it’s so easy to let them be undermined by partners and “for the sake of the child”).

I think you know exactly what will happen if you have a baby. You’ll be single handedly looking after it and DSD.

Your husband is a part or full owner of a gym. So he's not necessarily having a gym session between 6.30-9.30 pm then??? He's 'networking'!!! What exactly does that mean??? To me, it doesn't mean very much. He's having a gym session and then chatting to other gym users??? What every night of the week?? This I could understand once or even twice a week. He's doesn't have a list of clients that he personally trains during this time frame??? I could understand this more to be honest. He'd be earning money!!

Your husband is absolutely taking the piss. If he's 'networking', then he doesn't need to do this on the days he has his daughter. There's no excuses. He's doing it, to get out of parenting his daughter and spending time with her. Poor little girl has two parents who view her as an inconvenience.

being a shit father is deeply unsexy

He said that DSD stepdad “does nothing” with her

Wait, wait - he was also just saying that all step-parents do what you do and more, so which is it in his opinion?

Good god. Why did he bother marrying you if he isn't interested in being with you? Let me guess, does he get back from the gym and fancy a shag?

Honestly, his behaviour is appalling unless he's an elite professional athlete. Even they make time for their family. It sounds like you are basically a single parent.

His behaviour and expectations would be wildly unfair even if the child was your own bio child, or for any future bio child: he basically thinks his time is his and your time is 'family' - i.e caring for his child.

He is selfish, a male chauvinist pig (to use and old school expression as it seems to fit) and is now trying to gaslight and guilt trip you.

And it sounds as if you spend more tome with his child than you do with him!

I don't know what you do with all this OP, but I wouldn't continue to live like this and there is no way I would have a child with him unless his whole attitude is proven to have changed. But...how can someone behave like this? It's his selfish personality. Or his gym addiction. Does he take steroids?

There may be a huge identity or health fear behind some gym behaviour. I had a partner with cardiac disease in the family. His father and grandfather had all died at around 50. The dieting and exercise became obsessive in my opinion. They were also a way of trying to control his mental health issues.

It's a hard one to fight as exercise is seen as a positive thing and the dangers of excessive exercise rarely mentioned. By excessive I mean it was inflexible and got in the way of any other hobbies or pastimes. On holiday the need to keep being in the gym meant he couldn't see the country. He was exhausted a lot of the time.

If men think that they need to look a certain way the gym could be how they achieve it. Nothing to do with health but looking specfically strong or large with muscles. The more they go to the gym and see other men the more normalised it becomes.

The gym may have also become the 'new' pub as the hub for some men to meetup and socialise. Like minded men all together for hours at a time, ignoring their families and encouraging each other to believe that this is normal.

I'm struck by how similar some Gym bro behaviour can be to the Andrew Tait type philosophy with being any direct connection made. They may have never heard of him, may not understand what they are doing and why, but the result is the same for the women affected.

I think you are wrong to not agree a structure to offer to have your stepdaughter some days. It can be 1 or 2 days a week .

So sad for this little girl - palmed off to grandparents, neighbours and you, by her own parents.
I agree with everyone else - he is using you as live-in childcare.
Out of interest, when was the last time he took you, his wife, out? On a date, for a meal, cinema or whatever? It sounds like you never see him! How often do you do things as a couple?

Fucking hell the patriarchy has done a number on you. Read all the OP's posts. This useless sperm donor does nothing with his poor daughter and has never done so. The OP is sadly the only person to show any care. And frankly she needs to get the hell out of this sham of a marriage. Sell the house and leave daddy darling on his own. A trained hard-working medic is likely to succeed without the millstone of the limp dicked husband. And what's more she may be able to meet a worthwhile man with whom she can raise a family.

I would be very tempted to dump him and keep the kid.
She should be getting her own social life now too, with rainbows/football/ballet/ice skating/gymnastics/ judo or whatever interests her.

When he asked “what do you think would happen if we had our own baby” - that question really says it all!!

Your response to that should be “what I would LIKE to happen, is that you compromise and cut down on some of your hobbies/gym time so that we can share the childcare equitably. But given how you leave most of the hard bits to me even with the child who’s not biologically mine, and given how you can’t even cut down on the gym half the week, I expect that’s not going to happen and you’re going to leave the toughest parts of parenting to me, leaving me with no time for myself while you have free time and hobbies every single day of the week.”

But yeah, like other PPs have said, I think the fact he even phrased the question like that shows that he unquestioningly sees childcare as women’s work. Like, it doesn’t even cross his mind that he might be expected to do some of it.

@Iateallthechocolate

eh?? She’s not OP’s kid! She can’t do that!

I don't think the child is the issue here. What kind of relationship have you got? You barely see each other, and he doesn't prioritise spending time at home with you or doing things together?
Even if there was no child involved I wouldn't put up with this.
And whatever you do do not have a child with him, you will be an absolute solo parent. He is a heartless man who absolutely doesn't care about his daughter and puts her needs last. Not the father I would want for my children!
Unfortunately, I would leave - I say unfortunately because you are probably the best thing which has happened to this little girl. But I don't think that is a reason to stay with him and ruin your own life (assuming you want children and a caring / considerate /unselfish partner.).

Why is he so obsessed with the gym that he spends most evenings there?

I wouldn’t like someone who put their hobbies before their child. I definitely wouldn’t be in a relationship with one. I know that sounds harsh but if you take a step back that is what he is doing. That’s the type of person he is. Why would you like him?

so he doesn't have to participate in childcare, housework or spending time with his wife, it seems.
I mean I get it, you can have a bunch of friends all going to gym at the same time, I can happily spend a lot of time there. But it's spending time with buddies while possibly doing some exercise, it certainly isn't important networking, as OPs DH tries to claim.

He said that DSD stepdad “does nothing” with her, and he didn’t want that for DSD.

Well Op you obviously care so much for his daughter it's hardly likely that you'd go to nothing is it?

He’s then disruptive, making his dinner and expecting to eat in bed?!?!

Honestly he sounds horrible.

He really doesn't respect you does he?

Isn't there a policy about children being on gym premises or health and safety etc. Just because he owns it doesnt mean he can break any rules surley.

Good for you!
if he doesn’t like it ask him what he would do if he didn’t have a you as a partner there? It’s really not on, he needs to step up!

I can't help thinking that this poor little girl will be at risk without the op in her life.
It sounds as if her mum palms her off onto whoever will take her as soon as the current boyfriend gets tired of having the little girl around.
They are both unfit parents from what I can gather☹️