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Original poster

When can I share the real reasons I divorced my ex?

176 replies

Supportedinstep · 15/01/2026 20:25

Kids are 15/16 and I divorced their father in 2020 when the police removed him. He was financially and coercively controlling and I had been trying to amicably split since 2018 and we were all over long before that really.

He continues to attempt to control me in any way he can, spoiling plans, cancelling things, refusing to pay his share, and now the CMS have been involved, as have the police.

I met my lovely partner in 2021 and he has been nothing but kind to my children. We don’t live together, have no plans to, and he is never put in the position of a parent.

I paid my ex off as a part of our divorce which is why I still have a mortgage. He rarely sees the kids and doesn’t think he should have to use his annual leave or pay for childcare as that’s what I’m for, because I wanted the divorce.

I’ve kept the details of the divorce and his behaviour from the children. I kept the house, and am very happy. He saw the children over Christmas and one of them remarked he had been hiking for the afternoon with my partner. My ex went mad and said that if it wasn’t for him, my ex would have kept the house and that I was seeing him before we divorced and that my ex is “financially ruined” because of me. NONE of this is true.

This confuses the children and they say they don’t know who to believe. I feel like showing them a copy of the consent order which details the payments made and our situation and also the appalling behaviour which I put as grounds for divorce and which my ex husband signed. They’re currently not speaking to my partner as “he ruined Dad’s life.”

WWYD?

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 15/01/2026 20:27

I'd tell them they're old enough to know, it's not like you volunteered the information but you should be able to evidence that what he is saying are lies

StrongestWoman · 15/01/2026 20:27

Show them.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/01/2026 20:29

I agree with showing them.

Flibbertyfloo · 15/01/2026 20:29

I would tell them that you can share the court documents he signed if they would like, but gently warn them that they might find the truth upsetting.

tartyflette · 15/01/2026 20:31

If you don’t tell them, your exh is still getting away with the dreadful behaviour. And using them to do it.

_nellie_ · 15/01/2026 20:31

Show them

OriginalUsername2 · 15/01/2026 20:32

Tell them now. They’re old enough to appreciate knowing the truth, even if it’s not pleasant. Just do it in a factual way.

Occasionaluser · 15/01/2026 20:32

They are old enough to be shown I think OP - just be prepared for upset . If you don’t tell them the truth then he is just going to keep causing issues

HappyToSmile · 15/01/2026 20:32

When my daughter used to spout the rubbish her father had told her, I would say along the lines of "thats not what happened / not how I remember it" and have told her when she is old enough / wants to, I will show her what the score really was.

NormasArse · 15/01/2026 20:33

So how do they think your partner ruined their dad’s life? He has no financial interest in your property.

Ask them for clarity on that statement, and then explain how it’s wrong. Back it up with your proof.

Your ex is a turd.

Heatingneedstobeontoday · 15/01/2026 20:35

Cold facts. If you need aa paper copy to prove that then do it. It toxicity isn't valid in your home. You have done nothing wrong..
Your dc need to know that.

Summerhillsquare · 15/01/2026 20:38

Yes, if you can remain cool and calm and present them with facts, they should know.

Theyallhavethetimeforyou · 15/01/2026 20:38

Flibbertyfloo · 15/01/2026 20:29

I would tell them that you can share the court documents he signed if they would like, but gently warn them that they might find the truth upsetting.

I agree with this.

they will realize one day OP. I know it’s a long wait, but they might actually apologise to you in the future for ever questioning your judgement and integrity.

What a first class, A-grade cock your ex sounds. No fucking wonder you got shot.

Burntt · 15/01/2026 20:38

Yeah I would tell them the basic facts and say you have documentation to prove it if they really want to see. Try not to be emotional about it there will be emotional backlash and they may be angry you hadn’t told them before and won’t understand why you couldn’t

sprigatito · 15/01/2026 20:38

I actually think it would be disrespectful not to tell them the truth at this point. If you don’t, you’re colluding with their father in his lying and manipulation. They may need a bit of support and TLC as they process what you tell them, but they’re not young children any more and they need to know the facts so they can take an informed approach to their relationship with their father.

OfficerChurlish · 15/01/2026 20:39

Based purely on their ages and the situation, I think it's fine to tell (and show) them the truth, but prepared for them to need pretty extensive context just because of their age and lack of life (relationship, financial, etc.) experience. I would probably also tell them that it's their right to have a relationship with their father if they want it, you wouldn't interfere, but you have to set the record straight when you know that they have been given misinformation about you. I'd stress that you think they are old enough to understand why the relationship between their parents broke down, but that doesn't necessarily have any bearing on each of their relationship with their father.

(Also, if your ex rarely or never has the children to stay with him overnight, you are entitled to CMS. You may find it difficult or impossible to actually get it - for example, if he's self employed and hides income - but legally and ethically caring for and paying for the children is his responsibility as much as yours, and it doesn't matter a jot that he has made up some harebrained reason why he's exempt.)

JLou08 · 15/01/2026 20:41

I'd tell them but be sensitive with it. Not an angry "look what he did, he is awful". Just gently lay out the facts and explain that you are doing this because they are old enough to know the truth and you think they deserve the full truth.

FairFuming · 15/01/2026 20:45

Always go for age appropriate truth. I don't lie for my ex about what happened in the past or to paint him in a better light for the kids I do however sheild them from the worst of his behaviour and I haven't told them most of the horrible things he did to me. They need to know what he's actually like (very similar to yours by the sound of it) so they will know how to handle him in a safe way when they are older.
Id ask if your partner has ever done anything to make them believe the horrible things your ex said about him? And id say I'm sure you know but Dad and I had a difficult time while we lived together and he did something's that were wrong that he acknowledged in these legal documents. Offer to show them the documents but be clear that a lot of it isn't nice and that just because he wasn't good to you doesn't mean they can't love him as their dad.
But be prepared for him to tell them they are all lies and you made them up

ThatMintMember · 15/01/2026 20:47

I think you should tell them that what they've been told isn't true and would they like to know what actually happened and to see the evidence. Only reason I say that is that my mam asked when I was around 13 (and my sister was 15) if we'd like to know why she divorced our dad. I said no and my sister said yes, then she told us he'd cheated on her. I'm 36 now and still have no idea if that's true or not, I wish I'd been shown some proof!

Unhappyitis · 15/01/2026 20:48

Old enough to know.

Enough pandering to him.

How dare he try and turn your children against you!

Perrylobster · 15/01/2026 20:49

show them

Talkinpeace · 15/01/2026 20:49

Tell your children the truth.
Give them a LOT of time to digest it.
Let them reject it
and then come back to it.
Make the facts available to them.

Driftingawaynow · 15/01/2026 20:55

I would be honest with them, but be very careful because he’s already managed to get under their skin and get them on side with him, you need to tread carefully. He may have some bullshit story that explains away the documents.

Sugargliderwombat · 15/01/2026 21:01

Tell them. But maybe preface it with that it's going to hurt, they deserve the know the truth and you have no expectation of what they will do with the information.

SarahAndQuack · 15/01/2026 21:05

Flibbertyfloo · 15/01/2026 20:29

I would tell them that you can share the court documents he signed if they would like, but gently warn them that they might find the truth upsetting.

Adding to the consensus that this is a good way to do it.

At their ages, they do deserve to know. Probably the confusion they are feeling is partly rooted in the beginnings of awareness that something doesn't add up - people don't manage to hide who they are forever; they will already have seen signs that he isn't quite what he says he is.

FWIW, my DD is much younger; she currently has no idea that I split up with her mother partly because her mother repeatedly lied about money and effectively stole large sums from me. I did a lot of thinking about it, because often, people tell you you 'shouldn't' bad-mouth the other parent and/or you should 'rise above'. The more I think about it, the more I think this is actually wrong. You know your ex has done something really, categorically wrong. Telling your children is a way of modelling to them that they never have to put up with that sort of thing in a relationship. Because he is their father, sadly, coercive control may feel 'familiar' to them as they start forming adult relationships. It might even be that they gravitate towards it, because it is part of a pattern they've seen in their own lives. So you need to give them the tools to identify it and understand it, so that they can be on the alert.