Found out from friend that husband is going Vegas in August for his 30th but hasn’t told me

[Biosblbay]

I am not too sure how I feel about this, what would you do in this situation?

So my Husbands best friend is going Vegas for his 30th this August, his friends wife is also my best friend, it’s a couples only thing but we have 2 young children who in August will be just turned 1 and an almost 4 year old.

She only just broke it to me in a conversation that my husband has said he is 100% going not realising he hasn’t told me yet, but she has said it’s a couples thing and it’s not a place suitable for young children at all so I definitely won’t be going and I would not leave my children at that age for a week being that far away. So by the seems of it my husband might be going alone, but this angers me because it is going to be the school holidays which means I am sole parent for a week which I know is going to be tough when my 3 year old (will be turning 4 in September) is off pre school. My baby would have just turned 1 so my hand are going to be very full!

I just feel if it was the other way round I would say “No I can’t go because of the kids” - but that’s just me. I could never leave my husband for a whole week to go Vegas on a couples holiday with all our friends.

Am I being selfish here?

I also don’t know if I should just wait for him to bring it up to me, or tell him I know.

Not if you read OP's previous threads. He's a total wanker.

horrible things? so i would gently ask why stay with him at all in that case?

@pinkyredrose thank you. There are a few posts about my husband. It’s not just this one time. I’ve just given him way too many chances. I think I am scared for the children more than anything and only staying with him for their sake, I never wanted a broken family. It does upset me when people say “why have a second baby with him then” - I just always assumed he would change with having the responsibility. He just really doesn’t care about me or his kids as much as he makes out he does.

@Rosealea I understand single Mums/ parents have it tough, but I am married and should have that support. I am in a marriage where he actually adds more mental load and stress and it’s actually easier for me with him not being around to be honest as he doesn’t help and wants to leave me and the kids to go on a week holiday with people who aren’t as important as his family. We cancelled a family holiday to save money and now he wants to spend money in Vegas

i would take his trip the opportunity to lawyer up and get rid. staying for the sake of the kids is just daft and extraordinarily damaging. Also broken home? I am a single mother, my home was not broken but if it was i fixed it all by myself. The suggestion that 2 parents are better than 1 is pretty insulting. Especially when 1 of the 2 parents is useless.

Is he a gambler? This is the only reason to go there.

??? no it’s not!

He still shouldn’t be going though.

I agree with this. Nothing wrong with separate holidays, but he absolutely should have discussed it with you first.

Im sorry but as a single parent I hate the term "broken family"
A happy family can consist of one adult and children. It is more broken to stay in a relationship you are unhappy with, as children pick up on vibes even if there is no arguments etc. And as they grow they look to you for examples of what a relationship could be.
People who leave unhappy relationships that contain children are anything but broken, they are strong.

As a teacher I have come into contact with thousands and thousands of children over 20 years. The ones who need support and struggle with things are those who have witnessed arguments, violence, control, parents sobbing at night, sulking, silent treatment, slamming doors, and have seen parents stay together through this.
Closely followed by children who struggle because a parent was not consistent or abandoned them.
Children who have two happy parents who are consistent in two seperate happy homes are much better off.
My family is not broken, we were a happy little unit of 3 til my DP came along

If your husband is booking expensive birthday trips for himself without even telling you, your marriage is already broken.

So you say 'oh great you have extraoney now your not doing Vegas, let's go on Saturday and rebook the family holiday to Spain'

It's tempting to just say to him that you've now decided to 'surprise' him by rebooking a family holiday to Spain - and see how he reacts.

Seriously, if he thinks it's acceptable to make this kind of unilateral decision,& not consult you about how to spend the family's (limited) money, you'd probably be better off splitting up. In the meantime, make it clear to him (& the couple who are planning this trip) that NONE of you are going.

where are the children in all this? But they don't really matter do they, they're so unimportant and of no consequence.
Being with their father who obviously doesn't care much about them doesn't count as being looked after.

It’s selfish of him to go without discussion / as much advance warning as possible.

But expectations about solo trips really do need spelling out when you have kids.

Before we had DD, we agreed on one solo trip per year, of no more than a week. And of course we have to discuss it and make sure it can work.

We’re also fine with the odd night away on top of that. But it’s never an issue because generally we spend all our time together, and do 50/50 childcare and housework.

IME men who make unilateral decisions like this often feel able to because domestic work doesn’t really fall to them anyway, so they feel more free to go and do things without discussion. If that’s the case, it’s a bigger issue and you could do with readjusting the domestic load. Or developing some hobbies/interests that mean he has to solo parent regularly. Even if just for an hour or two here and there.

Here you become unreasonable IMO.
Fair enough to be annoyed that he would plan to leave you alone with the kids whilst going on holiday for a week.
But if he's trying to include you, and you just refuse to entertain the idea that ANYONE should go, then you are the unreasonable one. You don't get to make that choice for him.

It's a one off trip for a special occasion, either you accept the idea to leave your kids for a few days, or if you really don't want to go then he goes on his own.
You can find ways to make it possible for you at home. Get family or paid childcare to help (make sure that's included in the budget for the vegas trip).

If you can't afford it and cancelled another holiday for financial reasons then he needs to grow up and cancel. We all have things that would be fun to do but are beyond budget.

DH and I used to go away separately once a year when we had one DC. When we had two DC we could no longer afford it. It was sad but DH would never have gone ahead anyway.

Your relationship sounds salvageable with some counselling and action on his part. These are common issues and the years of young kids are tough.

It's not salvageable if you read the Op's previous posts.

Here’s your answer. Life’s better and easier without him.

By the way, your friend sounds awful. Not a friend at all. First she tells you about the trip. Fine. But then she goes back to your husband and tips him off that you now know. What a shit stirring cow. She is not your friend.

Gee whiz maybe you could, I don’t know, talk to your husband?

While divorce does damage kids (and the people who say it doesn't are just trying to avoid feeling guilty) it is often necessary and the right thing in the long run. You have to live the life you have, not the life you wished you had. There is also increasing evidence that children do best if you divorce before they are 7 so if you can't imagine growing old with this man it's better to leave sooner rather than later.

Well if you're going to be managing by yourself anyway, could you go away that week and have a family holiday? Without him. If he can afford vegas, then this shouldn't be an issue.

@Biosblbay have you talked to him about this now? Is he planning to go?

I think you need to call his bluff on this one. ‘Oh that’s so sweet it was going to be a suprise for me. Oh well the suprise is ruined but now I can help you plan it so we can all get to go’. Be clear what your boundaries are ie the kids coming if they want to celebrate too, or just a few nights away in europe. And keep reiterating how excited you and the kids are for his big birthday celebrations and how glad you’re not left out.

if he keeps on about Las Vegas then oh that’s sounds great for your fortieth as the kids will be teenagers etc’. Reiterate that he decided to have kids so he has responsibilities and that was his choice.

My son and his school friend went to Chernobyl for their 30th. It was only because they had no commitments.
Friend recently wanted to go on a mad exhibition with son, for his next mile stone of 35, he’s still single but son is now married with a toddler.
My son said no.

Friend changed his plans and booked a Centre Parc, a huge chalet and inclusive of his friends single, married AND their children (3, my grandson and twins all ages of 3 & 4).
The men had a blast, the women got pampered and as for the kids lots of treats and uncle time!

He doesn’t need to go to Vegas particularly with the football coming up over there