Found out from friend that husband is going Vegas in August for his 30th but hasn’t told me

[Biosblbay]

I am not too sure how I feel about this, what would you do in this situation?

So my Husbands best friend is going Vegas for his 30th this August, his friends wife is also my best friend, it’s a couples only thing but we have 2 young children who in August will be just turned 1 and an almost 4 year old.

She only just broke it to me in a conversation that my husband has said he is 100% going not realising he hasn’t told me yet, but she has said it’s a couples thing and it’s not a place suitable for young children at all so I definitely won’t be going and I would not leave my children at that age for a week being that far away. So by the seems of it my husband might be going alone, but this angers me because it is going to be the school holidays which means I am sole parent for a week which I know is going to be tough when my 3 year old (will be turning 4 in September) is off pre school. My baby would have just turned 1 so my hand are going to be very full!

I just feel if it was the other way round I would say “No I can’t go because of the kids” - but that’s just me. I could never leave my husband for a whole week to go Vegas on a couples holiday with all our friends.

Am I being selfish here?

I also don’t know if I should just wait for him to bring it up to me, or tell him I know.

Exactly this.

Is “going Vegas” another way for saying cheating and using prostitues? 🤔

What horrible things has he done and why are you still with him?

That's great. I wish I was like that but I hate leaving my kids even for a couple of nights. Especially when little. I've missed out on a lot (my choice). Although I've nothing against it, each to their own- you would be in the minority there and OPs husband is being manipulative booking it as a 'surprise' that she can't get out of.

Just playing devils advocate here but lets not forget that men don't think beyond the here and now (sorry men) - they rarely look at consequences or the bigger picture. Women however will look at and visualise every scenario.

His mind may just have knee jerked that this is a great opportunity for you both to have some adults only time and he really did think that you would find it amazing - think twelve year old excited boy and you cant go far wrong!

Personally, if my children were in safe and trusted hands for a few days, I'd go. After all, their grandparents, my parents raised me without forgetting to feed and water me, they coped when I was ill. I get it that 10 hours seems a long way away 'just in case' something goes terribly wrong but we cant live our lives on 'what ifs' or you wouldn't even leave the house.

But I do get it - maybe a compromise and go somewhere closer together if you are too uncomfortable with the thought of Vegas.

If he’s done stuff before it’s partly on you. Men don’t change.

Its very manipulative, like buying his dream 2 seater sports car for you then driving it himself cos you can’t get the car seats in.

It was queried probably because some peeps on MN are awkward, dim or just like showing off their literacy I'm perdantic with a cactus up my arse' bollocks. Who cares?
As long as a person can be understood it doesn't matter if they can not spell or use correct grammer on here.
Like most socials it's nothing that matters irl.

Tell him you are going to Vagas with the couple and he can look after his kids

I think he was quickly covering his back for not telling you.

I can't think of a more hideous way to throw money down the drain and end up wired, tired and feeling unhealthy than to suffer severe jet lag in a city of crappy fast food, neon lights, shrill slot machines and cheesey entertainment, all designed to part you from as much cash as possible as fast as possible, while feeling guilty and anxious at leaving DC and being so far away should anything go wrong.

Beofe your update that he has now spoken about it with you I was going to suggest hiding his passport. If he doesn't tell you he is off on a selfish bender, don't tell him where essential documents are. Petty but it would make a point.

Honestly, just talk it over. Explain carefully all the reasons you think this is a bad idea. If he does go, please suggest he leaves his usual credit cards and debit cards at home and just takes cash or a card with a fixed amount on it. the last thing you need on top of two small children is gamblng debts.

But I hate gambling as much as hard drugs. I think it is an evil that should not be presented as fun.

I like this.

I wouldn't be bothered about him going as long as money and time off are fairly shared. Id be furious that he didnt discuss before booking

OP, honestly, none of us can say whether you are selfish or not. Personally, I don't see why you wouldn't consider leaving your kids for a week.

I'm guessing you're not a mum?

I suspect your husband realised he'd been caught out and tried to cover his tracks by telling you it was a surprise. If it had been a surprise, then presumably he'd have told his mate not to tell his wife, considering he knows you're friends!!

Do the other couples going not have children? I'm guessing they don't. It seems to me that your husband wants his pre-children life, and hasn't really accepted or understands, that it no longer exists.

He can't expect to disappear for a week to Las Vegas, without discussing it with you.That's without even considering the amount of family money he's going to need to spend to go. The children aren't just your responsibility, they are his too.

I think your husband has some growing up to do, to be frank. No one says he can't go out with his mates but a trip to Las Vegas is vastly different. The fact he hasn't discussed it, and is now trying to worm his way out, is just plain selfish.

Going to be unpopular here but just don't understand the not being able to cope with two kids for a week. Your own kids . It really shouldn't be a hardship . Many many people do it by themselves for years . Also find it hard to understand never wanting to leave your kids at all.
Not sure when you mention things he has done before but it really isn't that bad to go on a trip by himself . He isn't going solo but in a group . And you do have the option to go . Don't think it's fair to say that I don't want to go therefore I don't want you to go either. Hopefully you will want to do some thing by yourself without him too.

I don't know what is worse. The fact he thinks it's ok to act like he's single or the fact that he is lying and trying to cover his tracks.
And your mate tipping him off is no friend of yours.

I wouldn’t want to leave a one year old for a whole week either. Personally, I’d be really annoyed with your bf and his bf for organising a think for ‘adults’ only knowing full well you have very young kids and won’t be in a position to do this.

Do the other couple have kids? Looking back on my 30s now a lot of friends were still very immature, self focused, and oblivious to the needs of friends who had already started families.

I'd let him go and send him off with your blessing.
Then tell him that you have an IOU for a holiday of your own in the future, no expiry date to be cashed in whenever you want to, and he has to cope with childcare on his own.

Just read some of your other threads. How much shit are you willing to put up with?

This arsehole doesn't give a fuck about you or the kids plus for some reason you do everything in the house and he can't even do his one job of picking up dogshit.

This stood out to me Everyone I try to explain my feeling and how I feel going out all day and all night is unreasonable he shoots me down, shouts at me, swears and makes me think I am really controlling and crazy.

I'd be arranging a divorce lawyer. I really mean that.

I dunno, I take this differently. (To be clear, the not telling you and then putting you in a stupid conundrum isnt on!). But honestly, August is ages away, it's his best mate's 30th, it's Vegas - of course he wants to go?! I would want to go! I don't think his desire is unreasonable - it's just how he's going about it that makes him a bit of a knob.

However, you've got loads of time to discuss and prepare (e.g. get a friend/family to come stay and help or if youre flush enough for Vegas, get a part-time nanny or cleaner in if necessary!), and I would 100% be booking myself a nice trip with my mates for a few days, where he can take care of the kids in return, so we both get to do things that make us happy.

I also wouldn't leave my children who are a similar age to OP's for a week to go on a couple's holiday. For me, holidays at this point in my life are family time. The children will only be children for so long, and also we don't have endless money to spend thousands on a single trip - so effectively it would mean the children don't get to go away, which isn't on imo.

I also wouldn't go because my children wouldn't like it, and I would be anxious leaving them with family, especially being 10 hours away. I am also still breastfeeding, so that's another consideration. I do leave my children with my husband a few times a year for 2-5 days because I have to travel for work — they hate me being away, but it's fine because they are with their dad. Similarly, DH occasionally goes away with his friends for a few nights a couple of times a year. I would be livid to think he would go on a couple's trip with a group of our friends without me. How embarrassing to exclude your spouse that way. I think it is different if the kids are a little older, but unfortunately, when you have children, for a few years while they are young, your social life has to take a bit of a back burner while you establish a secure base for your family.

Do you have family who can watch the kids? If so perhaps he thinks you would love it. It’s your call but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong if he’s lining up a babysitter

so he has form for behaving like a knob. you have stayed married to him even though you know he is a knob. and now you are shocked that yet again he has displayed knobbish tendancies?

well at least you didnt say the classic "but he is a great father..."

He knew what he was doing was selfish. he has tried to dress it up as doing something nice for you even though this is not your definition of doing something nice and he knows it.

why are you with someone who apparently consistently puts their own needs not only first but so way above yours that it causes you grief.

when he goes, because we all know on here that its when and not if because you arent going to actually stand up to him and make this an issue, you need to pull on your big girl pants and the following week say right I am off to see my friend/a retreat for the weekend so its over to you to look after the kids. but of course you wont do that either because he is a knob and you dont actually trust him to be in charge of his own children.

go back. re read all your posts about him and ask yourself is this really all i deserve in life.

@CautiousLurker2 the crazy thing is a lot of the couples have children, and funnily enough they aren’t going! He is the only person with children that has said we are going.

the worst part about this whole situation for me is we was supposed to be going on a family holiday to Spain just us four in May, but due to me being on maternity pay, we cancelled it to save money which we both agreed to, but now all of a sudden he can afford a trip to vegas which no doubt will cost more than a 1 week all inclusive to Spain. I feel so upset by this.

Oh, I didn't realise that this is a pattern of behaviour.
Nah, I wouldn't want to be married to someone like this, day in day out.

Obviously he should have told you beforehand. That said, I don't think looking after two kids for a week by yourself is a big deal.

The pattern is the problem.