Found out from friend that husband is going Vegas in August for his 30th but hasn’t told me

[Biosblbay]

I am not too sure how I feel about this, what would you do in this situation?

So my Husbands best friend is going Vegas for his 30th this August, his friends wife is also my best friend, it’s a couples only thing but we have 2 young children who in August will be just turned 1 and an almost 4 year old.

She only just broke it to me in a conversation that my husband has said he is 100% going not realising he hasn’t told me yet, but she has said it’s a couples thing and it’s not a place suitable for young children at all so I definitely won’t be going and I would not leave my children at that age for a week being that far away. So by the seems of it my husband might be going alone, but this angers me because it is going to be the school holidays which means I am sole parent for a week which I know is going to be tough when my 3 year old (will be turning 4 in September) is off pre school. My baby would have just turned 1 so my hand are going to be very full!

I just feel if it was the other way round I would say “No I can’t go because of the kids” - but that’s just me. I could never leave my husband for a whole week to go Vegas on a couples holiday with all our friends.

Am I being selfish here?

I also don’t know if I should just wait for him to bring it up to me, or tell him I know.

Yanbu that with the dishonesty

YABU to think he should not go on his own. He gets a week and you get a week / couple of short breaks somewhere with your friends, either this year or another year.

My husband does a lot to support me and shared childcare and household responsibilities equally. He's sacrificed a lot for our family so I wouldn't mind solo parenting to allow him a holiday but I do think a week is a bit too long given the ages of your children. 3-4 nights would be my limit. But everyone is different in how much stress they can handle and if you feel that you can't cope on your own with 2 young children then he should listen to that and respect it.

It sounds like there's a lack of communication and openness in your relationship... He didn't tell you he wanted to go, then you knew but weren't sure whether to speak to him about it, then he found out you knew and concocted a story to try and make him seem "innocent". This is the main issue that comes to mind from reading your post. He should have discussed his plans with you, if he didn't, you should have just come with him to the issue, and when explaining he should have been open about why he didn't tell you, instead of saying it was a "joint surprise". If he's being truthful and it was supposed to be a "joint surprise" you shouldn't feel like you don't have a voice and should be able to tell him "thanks for the thought but I'm not comfortable leaving the children at this age". Seems like you both hide how you truly feel from each other.

I take it you forgave him for all the "horrible things" he has done?

Who is he proposing looks after the kids?

You just seem on different pages with what you want to spend money on. He very clumsily, admittedly, thought you’d like a couples holiday to Vegas without checking. Meaning he’d love a couples holiday to Vegas without the kids.

You would prefer a family holiday to Spain.

I don’t know about this history of your relationship but sounds like you need a proper chat.

You need to say you’re not comfortable with leaving both kids and going thousands of miles away. Vegas is not your thing.

Though time away as a couple if you can manage it (not Vegas) is beneficial to a marriage. Do you have any grandparents can help.? Always worth getting the kids used to other people as it offers so much more flexibility in the future.

Completely get why at the moment you don’t want to though.

Are you sure it’s Las Vegas in USA ? people that live in Trowbridge call their town Vegas, “Trowvegas”

The most sensible response on this thread.

I’ve never understood the forced martyrdom (“I absolutely could not leave my kids”) - it must be exhausting.

Be annoyed at him for not speaking to you about it, sure. But you can leave your kids with family and have a nice break, you just don’t want to.

Also, if he goes solo - it’s a week. 7 days. It’s not like he’s wanting to disappear off to Australia for a month.

Life doesn’t stop just because you have kids. I think it’s so important to remember that you’re your own person too, and still make time to do things for yourself.

Yes well he's shown you his priorities plenty of times.

You were ready to divorce him in December, what happened to that ?

Do you think he’s lying? He’s given you an answer and you don’t think it’s acceptable to leave your kids which is fine hut it seems like you think he’s being underhand. Is it a big deal if he goes to Vegas without you? My husband went with his mates for his 40th and for mine I went to New York with friends. I’m not sure what the issue is now that he’s explained his logic to you?

oh that would really piss me off, not being able to afford to go away with the family to Spain but can afford a trip to Vegas??

Because the OP said they cancelled the family holiday as they couldn't afford it between them. Just a guess though.

Then your response should be

"When decided last month that we didn't have enough money for a short family holiday in Europe, where on earth are we suddenly getting the cash for a couples holiday in Vegas plus spending money in a gambling town?"

Optional follow ons:
"Are you on glue?"
"Or do you think that because I'm on maternity pay while looking after our children than entitles you to a solo holiday because YOU deserve it?"
"I think only one of us can afford to do it so I told girlfriend X that it should be me as I deserve an adults holiday after 12 months at home with the children"
"Good one. Ha ha ha"
"I know it's not the same but if we have money for Vegas, we have money for a family holiday somewhere or a long weekend just the two of us to celebrate your 30th. If you have a vasectomy, we can be certain that we can definitely be 10 hours away for your 40th as babysitters for two secondary age children should be easier."

Absolutely

Well if you think he's being underhand (and he sounds like he's got form), play him at his own game.

Say you've had a change of heart, and a few days in Las Vegas sounds fun.

Ask him who he was planning on leaving the kids with. Also check that he's OK to cover it, given you had to cancel Spain etc etc.

Of course you don't have to go, just act all excited. See what happens.

Vegas is suffering. There are low numbers of visitors as its very expensive and the US is also having a living cost crisis.

This is what I said - I said this isn’t just because he wants you to have the kids because that will happen both ways at certain points. The issue is the not telling you, making plans and spending money on a holiday and just assuming you’ll not come and have the kids!

Vegas is hell!

No way would I be okay with this, a long weekend away for a stag do maybe. But to go with a load of other couples? No way - why would he even want to go without you? Potentially he isnt going and just hasn't broke it to them yet

@TheKateColumbo so you’d be happy to cancel the family holiday due to money worries, and for your husband to spend more money on a holiday just for himself? I don’t think many people would be happy with that.

@deardeb read OP’s posts

We had a 24 hour stay in Vegas a few years ago……..and that was 24 hours too much! You couldn’t stand the heat out in the streets and the stench of cannabis was overpowering everywhere!

There’s nothing wrong with leaving your kids for a long weekend if you’ve got grandparents who can look after them.

We’ve always done a long weekend (4nights) away without the kids every year since youngest was 1 year old. Usually to the US. I think it’s quite important to have that break and just be a couple again. I look forward to it every year.

YANBU and the fact he's manipulating you by pretending he wouldn't know you wouldn't leave them for that long is even worse. Also the fact he made the decision without speaking to you. People who think it's just a case of man wants holiday man goes on holiday are idiotic.

This

But that's what im saying in response. It shouldn't happen this way , both parents always need to check in with the other one to see if something is doable or not. She may well say i don't want to parent alone. But if ive misunderstood your point, I apologise. X

Ah ok just saw your updates op, yeah he’s being a selfish dick. Not sure what you can do about it if he won’t listen to you.