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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out from friend that husband is going Vegas in August for his 30th but hasn’t told me

203 replies

Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 09:04

I am not too sure how I feel about this, what would you do in this situation?

So my Husbands best friend is going Vegas for his 30th this August, his friends wife is also my best friend, it’s a couples only thing but we have 2 young children who in August will be just turned 1 and an almost 4 year old.

She only just broke it to me in a conversation that my husband has said he is 100% going not realising he hasn’t told me yet, but she has said it’s a couples thing and it’s not a place suitable for young children at all so I definitely won’t be going and I would not leave my children at that age for a week being that far away. So by the seems of it my husband might be going alone, but this angers me because it is going to be the school holidays which means I am sole parent for a week which I know is going to be tough when my 3 year old (will be turning 4 in September) is off pre school. My baby would have just turned 1 so my hand are going to be very full!

I just feel if it was the other way round I would say “No I can’t go because of the kids” - but that’s just me. I could never leave my husband for a whole week to go Vegas on a couples holiday with all our friends.

Am I being selfish here?

I also don’t know if I should just wait for him to bring it up to me, or tell him I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 10:50

@Soontobesingles this! Honestly I could never be a 10 hour flight away from my babies. When they are stroppy teens then no doubt! 😂 but if you read my last comment to someone, the worst part of this is we cancelled our 1 week holiday to Spain, just us 4, to save money as I am on maternity pay, for him to then pay to go vegas a few night which will probably cost more.

Ild rather go on holiday with my children, my little family.

OP posts:
SallyDraperGetInHere · 15/01/2026 10:50

Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 10:48

@CautiousLurker2 the crazy thing is a lot of the couples have children, and funnily enough they aren’t going! He is the only person with children that has said we are going.

the worst part about this whole situation for me is we was supposed to be going on a family holiday to Spain just us four in May, but due to me being on maternity pay, we cancelled it to save money which we both agreed to, but now all of a sudden he can afford a trip to vegas which no doubt will cost more than a 1 week all inclusive to Spain. I feel so upset by this.

It just gets worse.

Sensiblesal · 15/01/2026 10:50

Chestnutmarenutjob · 15/01/2026 09:14

Vegas in August will be hell on earth. It will be absolutely boiling and very very busy.

the fact he hasn’t consulted you about it, and just gone ahead without any consideration for you and your children, says a lot.

I have been in August, over our bank hol & US labor day. The heat is manageable easily because most the time you are inside & they have air con. Surprisingly wasn’t that busy busy, went year before in a diff month and even then it didn’t feel bad.

to the OP, yes your husband is in the wrong for not telling you but its his best friend. Also, life doesn’t stop just because you have kids, you don’t have to be attached to the hip. Take some time back for yourself, little girly weekend in the UK if you don’t want to be far.

it’s far healthier to retain some independence. School holidays and single parenting should not be the reason to not go. In fact if anything you could go have a little break with the kids, take your mum or a friend for support. Assume money/the cost is not an issue as no mention

Sugarsugarcane · 15/01/2026 10:51

CactusSwoonedEnding · 15/01/2026 09:14

Yanbu.

I think you have to say it out loud "If you would plan to leave me doing solo parenting for a week during the summer holidays without even thinking about how difficult that would be for me, that would be an act of such staggering selfishness that it would end our relationship. [Name of friend] told me that she thought you were planning this but I didn't believe her. She must have misunderstood but what's going on?"

Edited

Far too passive aggressive, just speak like equals.
bd said you’d agreed to go to Vegas for a week, caught me off guard a bit, I feel horrified at the thought of a week on my own with the kids, can we talk about it.

Barrellturn · 15/01/2026 10:51

You tell him it will be fab for him to get away with the dc. Just make sure you remind him to pack the cribs and car seats so he can ferry them around out there.

You go to spain.

TheKateColumbo · 15/01/2026 10:52

I can only surmise that there is a long standing problem with the husband as nobody I know would have an issue with
their husband going away without them,
looking after their own children on their own
having a few days away from their children assuming there is reliable childcare,
or being surprised with a holiday.

Soontobesingles · 15/01/2026 10:53

Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 10:50

@Soontobesingles this! Honestly I could never be a 10 hour flight away from my babies. When they are stroppy teens then no doubt! 😂 but if you read my last comment to someone, the worst part of this is we cancelled our 1 week holiday to Spain, just us 4, to save money as I am on maternity pay, for him to then pay to go vegas a few night which will probably cost more.

Ild rather go on holiday with my children, my little family.

Tell him that if he has the money for Vegas, then he has the money for Spain and that's what you want to do. I can't really see how he can think it is ok to spend on a selfish trip when he has children and a wife who won't get a holiday. It's utter selfishness.

Swiftie1878 · 15/01/2026 10:54

Drinkerbell13 · 15/01/2026 10:17

Yet no-one acts like it's weird for the dad to be fine going away. Baby was with her dad, who does just as much as me. I work full time as it is, so for 5 days a week and bedtimes and nursery it's not like we get a ton of time together. She adores her dad and vice versa, so where's the issue in him doing all the bedtimes etc for a week instead of half. Why shouldn't I still see friends when I know baby is loved and happy with her dad for a week - it's not like she cares as long as she's fed and loved!

Fine for OP to not want to - but everyone saying 'well of course not, what mother would ever be ok with that', maybe they are part of the cause as to why women can feel guilty staying themselves with kids.

Show quote history

She’s not OK with BOTH of them being thousands of miles away.

Nearly50omg · 15/01/2026 10:58

Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 09:29

@Enrichetta this isn’t the first time he has put his own social life and needs before me and his children. He has done some horrible things in the past. When things like this happen it makes it all come back

Then the main question is why are you putting up with this?

deardeb · 15/01/2026 10:58

Dancingdance · 15/01/2026 09:28

He should spend the money on a family holiday instead. Your husband sounds very selfish.

Show quote history

How did you come to a conclusion that he does not spend money taking his own family on a holiday outside of this?

Retiredfromthere · 15/01/2026 10:58

TheKateColumbo · 15/01/2026 10:52

I can only surmise that there is a long standing problem with the husband as nobody I know would have an issue with
their husband going away without them,
looking after their own children on their own
having a few days away from their children assuming there is reliable childcare,
or being surprised with a holiday.

Assume you have not read all the posts
The problem is having decided unilaterally to book the holiday for both as a 'surprise' on the basis she would be happy to leave children without discussing it.Spending money that they had recently decided was not available for family holiday in Spain.

QforCucumber · 15/01/2026 10:59

PluckyChancer · 15/01/2026 10:27

Is “going Vegas” another way for saying cheating and using prostitues? 🤔

it might in your world, it doesn't in everyones.

@Biosblbay I'd have 0 issue with DH going away for a week with friends, in fact he did it last year, and did did I. (BTW a few nights in Vegas for us was about £750pp plus spends so likely not much more expensive than your May Spain trip) We've also left our kids with trusted people and gone away together for a few days too.

I'd have issue with being told about it after the fact and the refusal to have a grown up conversation about it - form this and your previous posts he has 0 respect for you. That's where your problem lies - not a trip to Vegas, it's much bigger than that.

Enrichetta · 15/01/2026 10:59

Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 09:29

@Enrichetta this isn’t the first time he has put his own social life and needs before me and his children. He has done some horrible things in the past. When things like this happen it makes it all come back

Sadly, as often happens, the OP merely relates to a symptom and the underlying cause only emerges in subsequent posts…

He has done some horrible things in the past.

And you have swept it under the rug and hoped for the best. No doubt he will have sweet talked you into believing he has turned over a new leaf. And then he waited until you had another child and as a result are more vulnerable. Two children under 4, on maternity leave, no spare money (except what’s ‘his’…), and now you feel stuck.

People don’t change. This is who he is. For now you’ve put your foot down about Vegas, but he’ll just modify his modus operandi. He’ll be ‘nice’, for a while. Then, instead of hitting you with a biggy, he’ll start with low level selfishness and work his way up.

Don’t be a boiling frog! You need a strategy to become self-sufficient. Because this marriage won’t go the distance. Not unless you totally suppress your own needs and become a doormat. And you don’t want that, nor would it be good for your children.

Nearly50omg · 15/01/2026 11:00

I would tell him to enjoy his Vegas trip as when he gets home his stuff will be outside the front door with the locks changed and he needs to find somewhere where to live!🤬

PantaloonMad · 15/01/2026 11:02

I took my baby to vegas when he was tiny, definitely couldn’t do that flight with a toddler now. And August would be unbearably hot anyway.

I’d say let him go, but schedule in some childcare a couple of afternoons so you can go out and have a break/treat yourself to a massage or something. It’s not fair that only he goes and enjoys himself. And the cost of you doing that will be hardly anything compared to what he spends on his trip!

Crazykatie · 15/01/2026 11:02

Men can be so brainless cant they, he obviously hasnt thought this through, it would be a major issue for me. He is a parent its time he realized
I know people who do this but they can afford to take a nanny with them to look after the kids

Isittimeformynapyet · 15/01/2026 11:07

It makes me think of a little child holding its crotch and whining "I need to go tawlit*".

  • Toilet
Miloarmadillo2 · 15/01/2026 11:07

I’d have zero issue with my DH going away and leaving me with the kids but it would always be discussed first because we share the parenting. Even now they are teens it takes a bit of extra planning. To spend substantial money on a lads jolly when you’ve decided you can’t afford a family holiday this year is unbelievably selfish.

CautiousLurker2 · 15/01/2026 11:09

Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 10:48

@CautiousLurker2 the crazy thing is a lot of the couples have children, and funnily enough they aren’t going! He is the only person with children that has said we are going.

the worst part about this whole situation for me is we was supposed to be going on a family holiday to Spain just us four in May, but due to me being on maternity pay, we cancelled it to save money which we both agreed to, but now all of a sudden he can afford a trip to vegas which no doubt will cost more than a 1 week all inclusive to Spain. I feel so upset by this.

You absolutely should feel upset. Dare I ask if you have explored having some couple’s counselling? It sounds as though there is some backstory - which you are not obliged to share here - that needs resolving one way or another. If this is another example of a pattern of behaviour it won’t resolve if you keep focusing on the instances of bad behaviour and not the underlying issue.

Vegas will still be there in 10 or even 20 years when you can both go for a ‘big’ birthday and without the kids - but I think this is about more than ‘Vegas’, it’s about his inability to recognise and lean into being a father/husband. If he resents the limitations having a family presents, then he needs to work on this because it will eat into your relationship and the kids WILL pick up on it, even if you spend the next 20 years trying to cover it up and deflect. And that will be soul destroying for you.

OneShyQuail · 15/01/2026 11:11

OP, where do you draw the line?
How can you possibly stay married to someone like this. Id let him go, and start getting rid, hopefully by August he wont be your problem anymore!

MissyMooPoo2 · 15/01/2026 11:12

Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 09:22

OP HERE - UPDATE

So it got back to my husband through my friend that she accidentally dropped him in it not realising I didn’t know. He called me and told me he was going to book it for me “as a surprise” and to go for a few nights rather than a week, but he knows I wouldn’t leave my kids, especially not being 10 hours away by plane. He thinks it would be acceptable for us to go and leave our children but I think differently. To me this seemed like a naughty tactic to put me in this awkward situation where he had already paid for the holiday so I couldn’t say no, or for him to say to me “well I’ve paid I’ll go on my own”. But luckily he hasn’t booked it and I have said No.

I feel like he was booking it for him, not us. But I could be wrong.

What do you all think about this?

Edited

I think it's sneaky that your friend couldn't leave it alone and decided to tell him that she'd let the cat out of the bag.

I can be very oversensitive so this may well not be an appropriate reaction - but I would be feeling completely betrayed that any of this was discussed without my involvement.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/01/2026 11:12

When you just spoke to him, do you not say

we cancelled our 1 week holiday to Spain, just us 4, to save money as I am on maternity pay

What makes you think we can instead do a holiday just for us to to America??

IwishIcouldconfess · 15/01/2026 11:15

Biosblbay · 15/01/2026 10:48

@CautiousLurker2 the crazy thing is a lot of the couples have children, and funnily enough they aren’t going! He is the only person with children that has said we are going.

the worst part about this whole situation for me is we was supposed to be going on a family holiday to Spain just us four in May, but due to me being on maternity pay, we cancelled it to save money which we both agreed to, but now all of a sudden he can afford a trip to vegas which no doubt will cost more than a 1 week all inclusive to Spain. I feel so upset by this.

You have said this isn’t the first time he has put his own social life and needs before me and his children. He has done some horrible things in the past. When things like this happen it makes it all come back

Well you know where you stand with him, where you and the children lie in his priorities. The question is what are you going to do about it?

How long will you carry on allowing him to treat you like that?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/01/2026 11:16

PantaloonMad · 15/01/2026 11:02

I took my baby to vegas when he was tiny, definitely couldn’t do that flight with a toddler now. And August would be unbearably hot anyway.

I’d say let him go, but schedule in some childcare a couple of afternoons so you can go out and have a break/treat yourself to a massage or something. It’s not fair that only he goes and enjoys himself. And the cost of you doing that will be hardly anything compared to what he spends on his trip!

You'd say let him go? On his own to a couples holiday to America, when they had to cancel their family holiday to Spain this summer due to a lack of funds.

I wouldn't!

Howwilliknow122 · 15/01/2026 11:22

Lmnop22 · 15/01/2026 09:15

Don’t make this about childcare because obviously there should be times when he goes away without you and you have the kids and vice versa when he has the kids.

This is about spending a large amount of money and committing to plans with friends without discussing it with you!

I would say to him, I spoke to female friend and I’ve decided I’m going to go to Vegas with them im August on my own since it really isn’t a kid friendly trip, you’ll be fine with the kids won’t you? And when he reacts badly to that suggestion, which he will, he will then hopefully realise the error of his ways and not make the identical counter proposal that he go alone!

It is about child care. He's a parent who has also the same parental responsibility as op does. Its not one rule for him and one rule for her. When you're a parent you dont just decide you're going to leave your kids for a week without speaking to the other parent.