Found out from friend that husband is going Vegas in August for his 30th but hasn’t told me

[Biosblbay]

I am not too sure how I feel about this, what would you do in this situation?

So my Husbands best friend is going Vegas for his 30th this August, his friends wife is also my best friend, it’s a couples only thing but we have 2 young children who in August will be just turned 1 and an almost 4 year old.

She only just broke it to me in a conversation that my husband has said he is 100% going not realising he hasn’t told me yet, but she has said it’s a couples thing and it’s not a place suitable for young children at all so I definitely won’t be going and I would not leave my children at that age for a week being that far away. So by the seems of it my husband might be going alone, but this angers me because it is going to be the school holidays which means I am sole parent for a week which I know is going to be tough when my 3 year old (will be turning 4 in September) is off pre school. My baby would have just turned 1 so my hand are going to be very full!

I just feel if it was the other way round I would say “No I can’t go because of the kids” - but that’s just me. I could never leave my husband for a whole week to go Vegas on a couples holiday with all our friends.

Am I being selfish here?

I also don’t know if I should just wait for him to bring it up to me, or tell him I know.

This is clearly a tactic to be able to go himself because who books a “surprise” holiday with their partner when they have two kids under 4 to leave at home?!

@Enrichetta this isn’t the first time he has put his own social life and needs before me and his children. He has done some horrible things in the past. When things like this happen it makes it all come back

You're bu for saying you'd have to look after your own kids for a week on your own.
BUT he is massively u for thinking he can slip out through the back door for a jolly up knowing you won't leave the kids, what an arsehole he really is.
If roles were reversed and you were going on a holiday with the girls he'd probably whinge, sulk and get family in to help.

That’s a massive backpedal. I don’t believe a word of it.

A surprise my arse. It’s a clumsy attempt at damage limitation, and it would put me right off him. He sounds like the sort of person who tells people what they want to hear at the time, based on what’s most convenient for him.

I bet he comes home having lost thousands gambling, as well, because he’ll want to act the big man in front of his mates. Yuk.

YANBU to be pissed pff about him not discussing it with you
YABU to feel like you can’t leave your kids for a week (with family they’d be absolutely fine, and there’s time to express enough milk if your young one still needs you for that).
YABU to not be able to deal with two kids for a week alone.

Don't be sensible now! If people could talk to their spouses/in laws/colleagues/supermarket checkout girl, we wouldn't have mumsnet.

OP, honestly, none of us can say whether you are selfish or not. Personally, I don't see why you wouldn't consider leaving your kids for a week. But that's not the issue here. The issue is lack of communication so you need to start there.

Get a life FFS

Massive drip feed!

You are married to an arsehole.

It's still 7 months away. Do you have family that could look after your kids? Because having kids isnt a reason not to go on holiday.

Jesus - I went to Vegas with a friend as part of a week long trip (well 8 days) while my husband stayed at home with the kids. I also went last year for a week in the states with the same friend, youngest was 7 months old at the time - again my husband held the fort. I face timed the kids every day, and they were so excited for what I was going to bring them back!

I think it's so important to still have a life and friends outside kids. That said I went to Vegas in may and the heat was hell - no way would I go in August.

Everyone saying they'd say if he went they'd leave him... if my husband told me if I went to see my friend and it'd end our marriage, it'd be over for me anyway as I would see that as so controlling. (I've been in an abusive marriage before where I was not allowed to see friends). My husband always supports me going, even though it's hard on both of us and he knows I'll be torn in two at the airport 😅

The not letting you know would be the issue - but maybe he was finding the right time? I've agreed to go see my friend before and then told my husband when plans are more firm i.e looking at flights or deciding dates.

How could we possibly know whether him saying he was going to book it as a surprise is true or not. We don't know him. To me, it sounds perfectly feasible to have a few days away from the kids as long as they are with people they know and you trust. The world as a couple does not stop because you have children.

I mean, is this something he would do, or does he have form for being sneaky and selfish? No one can possibly say oh yes, he's doing it because he just wants to go by himself as we don't know the man. I can't imagine a couples holiday would be much fun going on your own, so if he has no form for this sort of thing I would be inclined to believe him. I hate all this "I said no"......makes it sound like someone is in charge, and i think thats madness.

I think it smells like bullshit. Before your update about him being horrible in the past I would have said that you're partly responsible for the lack of communication if you are likely to automatically veto his going away for a week without you, but if he has form he's just being a dick by the sound of it.

Sorry, just saw I missed an update saying he has form for this and has done horrid things before. Ignore everything I said!!!

She clearly means going to Vegas. But I think you know that. Or you could have worked it out so I suppose your comment was just a snide one. Perhaps you are unable to recognise local vernacular.

Hopefully , he's absolutely clear that you wouldn't travel such distance from your children at their age now.
Has he said wether he still intends to go to Vegas for "a few days" with a days travelling either side in August ?

That's a very fast update!

Reading your update, given he knows he's been caught out, I think he completely invented the "you're coming too - surprise!" thing. He was reaching and scrabbling for an excuse, and that was the best one.

I don't think he ever had any intention of you going along. Especially with your children at the ages they are. He knew you wouldn't leave them and knows you're unlikely to call his bluff and say "you know what? I think I'll take you up on that and join you!" I think that scenario would horrify him.

Don’t be such a fucking dick!!! 🤦‍♀️

OP…he’s lying, 100%! He had time to make up this ridiculously elaborate ‘story’ about going to book a ‘surprise’ for you.

This was never his plan…he’s a massive liar and you’d be well rid of him.

Bloody men! 🤬

He sounds like he's not ready to be married, and definitely not ready to be a Dad. Maybe he never will be, but he's definitely acting like a single person who only has himself to think about. I'd be fuming about the surprise line- clearly only thinking about himself and trying to say he was thinking of you. Bollocks he was.

I wouldn't mind this. Mainly because you couldnt pay me to visit Vegas, especially in summer.

How lovely for you DH. How much will it cost? Because I'll be spending same on a trip to Italy / Spain / wherever the following year to make up for it.

Then you both have something to look forward to.

Most of the women I know have their lives completely changed by motherhood; their old self disappears and they become super-super busy because many of the men’s lives don’t seem to change that much. They continue to put themselves and their needs first. Welcome to the patriarchy.

This is what I think. I hate surprises, especially if they’ve been invented for arse covering

He made that up very quick!

Agree with this - am guess you/he may be the only ones in the group that have young children atm? In which case he is going to have to suck up the fact that other couples are still free to do things he cannot. And a trip from the UK (I assume you are in the UK @Biosblbay ) for a week - or even as a couple for a few days [who the hell goes to vegas from the Uk for a few days?] is not going to happen.

When the kids are older, and assuming you have close family/grandparents who the kids would be happy to stay with, you can absolutely explore short-haul couples’ weekends … but he is going to need to wake up to the reality of his life.

Never ceases to amaze me how many men are like this - and I say this as the wife of a man who has been going on annual golf tour with his mates nearly every year for 38 years (we’ve been together for 33/34), goes away for at least one weekend every year to see the cricket/beer it up and also, recently, does a grand prix weekend somewhere in the world with his best mate - they both lost 2 close mates they’d grown up with due to a brain tumour and a DUI, so this is their way of maintaining their bond and honouring their late mates so I am totally behind this… BUT he NEVER went away when our kids were under 3 unless we managed to have his mum and dad come and stay (ie once).

It’s a short period in life. He needs to get over it and accept he can’t go.

I thought she left out the word ‘to’, are you asking because you didn’t understand what she meant?