With DH Inflexible 6pm gym schedule?

[notaurewhatusername]

need some perspective here because I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if this is a legitimate frustration.

My husband goes to the gym at 6pm most evenings. We have a one-year-old, and this has been his routine since our child was born. The issue isn’t that he goes to the gym - I absolutely think he should have that time - it’s that he’s completely inflexible about the timing because his friends go at 6pm.

Here’s what frustrates me: 6pm is the absolute busiest hour of our day. Baby needs attention, dinner needs cooking, and everything feels like it’s happening at once. He’ll often head out without sorting dinner first, which means I’m left juggling cooking, dealing with baby, or waiting until 8pm for dinner which is not ideal. He does deal with baby in the mornings for an hour or so, but it’s the fact dinner needs doing at the exact same time.

To be fair, he does bath time when he gets back and does pull his weight with other household duties. He’s not lazy around the house. But when it comes to the mental load and the baby-related tasks, it’s not quite equal.

I also like going to the gym, but I schedule it around dinner time and family commitments. With him, it’s just non-negotiable - 6pm, every day, because that’s when his mates go. He says it’s the only hour of the day he gets to himself, which… I don’t entirely agree with, but maybe I’m wrong?

My question is: would it be unreasonable to ask him to either cook dinner before he leaves, or consider going at a different time, even just a few days a week? Or am I being petty about him having his own time?

AIBU?

No this is absolutely not unreasonable! You make time for each other to exercise/do hobbies but it has to be practical.

Get him to sort dinner out before he leaves. Try it for 2 weeks then reassess

Do you work, or could you prep dinner at a different time during the day?

The witching hour. Worst time of the day.

Yes he’s being unreasonable.

Leaning towards he needs to lessen it up a bit and if he's doing 4 days a week cut back to 2, for example, but could do with some more details. What is "most evenings"? Are you both working Mon-Fri 9-5? Is your 1yo in childcare? How long is he out of the house for when he goes to the gym?

Can you both not compromise a bit, you both sound a bit inflexible? Do you need to eat dinner so early, maybe I’m not the best person to ask as I think 8pm is quite early too!

It’s nice to workout with friends if that’s what you’re into, but maybe he could go 3/4 times a week instead of every night.

Could you ask him to batch cook dinners so you can eat early if you want when he is out?

you are not unreasonable. Maybe he could go at 6pm every other day - and so do you.

On the day you don't go to the gym at 6pm, you go when the other gets back?

Completely unreasonable. Once or twice a week might be ok but not every day. And definitely not if he’s just waltzing in expecting his dinner done when he gets back!

I don’t think most adults spend every evening with their mates, especially once they have kids. You just do get less social time and especially in the early evening.

Hes gone for an hour and a half when he goes. I have to find ways to go while baby is at nursery otherwise I’d be going after 8pm and wouldn’t end up going.

Not reasonable at all.
His rigidity is why you should think long and hard about any further children.
You are not a team.
He thinks he is a single man.
When you choose to have children you do not get to say dinner time at the gym is a non negotiable.
He is extremely selfish and behaving like he is single and you are the help.
Sorry OP, big mistake having a child with such a man child.

i also don’t mind eating separate to him, but he insists on doing it when he gets home which I find is late and I end up snacking on crap. He says we used to eat late and I was fine with it but that was before baby!

@Greenlandssi often tell him we are not like a team it’s like we are seperate bringing up baby. It doesn’t feel we are a team a lot of the time

'But all my mates are going!'
is what a primary school child says. Not a grown man who chose to have a kid.

Hanging out with his friends does not take priority over him sorting dinner and his child. That's something in the 'used to' category, like eating late.

He needs to prioritise you and the baby. Suggest that he does 2 days a week with his friends at 6pm and 3 days a week at a different time.

If he refuses then withold sex on account of being too tired.

I'm with you on that being the worst time of the day for him to go. Mine used to work round the corner, and he would come back from work to cook dinner, even if he then went back to work afterwards, because he knew that was my low point.

Later on, early evening will also be important family time because that's when your child is awake and he can spend time with them, so pushing the gym later will be better for then, too.

Has he tried asking his mates to consider another time slot? Or might he be able to find other mates who already go later (perhaps other dads)? Maybe he could try alternating slot for now, or at least only go at 6 if he has managed to get dinner sorted first (there's an incentive). If he starts going later on at least some evenings, he may begin to find some new mates, and feel happier about going later more often.

@RollOnSunshinecurrently not having much sex anyway to be honest!

What you don’t know is that as they get older this will constantly be the craziest hour of the day and you don’t be able to get him to budge on it by then.

Two weeknights max.

He can't just dump the busiest time of day on you most every day. He's got a family now.

I think he needs to switch his gym schedule so he's available for family time at dinner. Maybe once or twice a week he can do the gym then and see his friends, but he's checked out during the busy part of the day and what is traditionally family time. He can cook dinner. Maybe he should start doing some meal prepping and freezer meals.

"To be fair, he does bath time when he gets back and does pull his weight with other household duties. He’s not lazy around the house. But when it comes to the mental load and the baby-related tasks, it’s not quite equal."

Cor, he's a right fairweather father. On paper he maybe does enough in quantity terms, but in actual quality effectiveness of his parenting workload, he gets the easy times, and (possibly) the easy tasks.

Why does he get everything his own way? What happens if you say no and eat when you want to?

What irritated me is the other day we both finished work early and I went gym in this time
before picking up baby but instead he did other things and STILL went at 6pm so when I got home had to also make dinner.

he says he’s trying his best and I think he is, but often when it comes to baby I feel like he gets prioritised first. Like for example baby still not sleeping in his own room because h thinks doesn’t make sense for baby to wake up 6am and wake both of us?! I don’t think he realises baby will wake early for years!!

He also won’t meal prep as it doesn’t taste the same 🙄. I’ve started ignoring this though and doing the dinner whether he’s back or not if I’m hungry

Yeah, that's such a pain. He isn't being reasonable but if he is used to working out with these buddies, or needs someone to spot him, then you can see why he's resisting. He needs to compromise as it's just too much and so unfair on you. What about if he went an hour later so overlapped 30mins with them and then another 30mins working out by himself. He doesn't need a spot for everything and it takes 90mins becuase there are too many of them. It's obviously a big social thing for him but every day is excessive now that he has other responsibilities. Most of those people in the gym at that time, who are going every day for that length of time, are people without children!

Did you discuss this before the baby arrived? Sorry...did you say it started when you had the baby?!

You should take turns being off duty at that exact time every other day

It became religiously this time during pregnancy @SpinandSing