With DH Inflexible 6pm gym schedule?

[notaurewhatusername]

need some perspective here because I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if this is a legitimate frustration.

My husband goes to the gym at 6pm most evenings. We have a one-year-old, and this has been his routine since our child was born. The issue isn’t that he goes to the gym - I absolutely think he should have that time - it’s that he’s completely inflexible about the timing because his friends go at 6pm.

Here’s what frustrates me: 6pm is the absolute busiest hour of our day. Baby needs attention, dinner needs cooking, and everything feels like it’s happening at once. He’ll often head out without sorting dinner first, which means I’m left juggling cooking, dealing with baby, or waiting until 8pm for dinner which is not ideal. He does deal with baby in the mornings for an hour or so, but it’s the fact dinner needs doing at the exact same time.

To be fair, he does bath time when he gets back and does pull his weight with other household duties. He’s not lazy around the house. But when it comes to the mental load and the baby-related tasks, it’s not quite equal.

I also like going to the gym, but I schedule it around dinner time and family commitments. With him, it’s just non-negotiable - 6pm, every day, because that’s when his mates go. He says it’s the only hour of the day he gets to himself, which… I don’t entirely agree with, but maybe I’m wrong?

My question is: would it be unreasonable to ask him to either cook dinner before he leaves, or consider going at a different time, even just a few days a week? Or am I being petty about him having his own time?

AIBU?

@ProudMamaBear92i actually agree. Just not at 6pm!!! Even 7pm would make a massive difference or 5pm. He often finished work at 4/4.30 so could easily do those times

Erm I totally get your frustration and it’s totally valid. Been there done that with the whole juggling the witching hour like it has had me sobbing to myself quietly on many occasions.

But after one failed marriage and remarrying, I’ve learned from my own mistakes first time round. I am personally glad my first marriage broke down (it had nothing to do with the juggling family life he often tripped and found himself in other women 🤷🏻‍♀️ oh well it all worked out for the best for me in the long run😂 ) but I with a lot of self reflecting I of course wasn’t perfect, I have learnt to appreciate what my now husband does instead of pushing for more something I failed at first time round. Reason I say this is because you are right to feel frustrated it’s frustrating juggling it’s not easy but you have said many good thoughtful things he does do for you other than the whole time he goes to the gym. If he simply went on his own the time I’m sure wouldn’t matter from what you say he does do to help out it seems like it is a good partnership you’ve got going on there so I’m sure he would change the time to help you further but he has stated that the reason he goes at 1800hrs is because he goes with friends that’s social time. Does he go to the pub with them every week also? Because if he doesn’t then this is his time with his friends too not just gym. So I kinda get it from his point of view too. However that doesn’t mean I don’t hear you or feel your pain. I really really do. Maybe prep tea in slow cooker in morning when he is there helping so you just have to dish up later?! I’ve 7 children ranging from teens to Toddlers and more evenings than most hubby isn’t home till gone 1800hrs, the days prepare are the days that I don’t hate my life and question my sanity.

I just think that lots could be done by you both to help you during that witching hour not just solely on him making tea before he goes like some have suggested or changing times risking not being able to go with his friends.

Can not stress how much I get where you are coming from but sometimes we can forget or lose focus on what they do do and focus to much on what they don’t. I know I did, and sometimes my now husband can do this to me and sometimes me to him and that’s draining for you both xx

@notaurewhatusername

Very frustrating! I think he’s being a bit of a dick, and not just about the gym thing either!

Not much advice to add, lots been given already. But I would say go for eating separately and when suits you and baby. Someone needs to eat with baby, that’s how they learn table manners etc.. If he’s not willing… shame, as when they get older, dinner time is a really important time for the social development and family bonding. He’s making his choice…

He can sort himself out or reheat later on. Whatever he prefers 🙄 Whatever, frankly. I’d probably stop caring…

Good luck!

I kind of see your husband’s side….. As long as you’re getting your hour each day as well. Or take it in turns to go to the gym at six. It is a wonderful stress reliever for both of you. Why don’t you use a slow cooker and batch cook huge quantities of ragu you can freeze in individual portions? If you’re doing all the cooking he should do all the clearing up. Does your gym open early? Maybe one of you could go before work?

I think that you should be aiming to eat together as a family.

Gyna can wait or be rearranged. Family meals come first. There’s something kind of wrong and disconnected about not eating together some of the time.

@notaurewhatusername This video might give you a script!

He's completely taking the piss, quite frankly, and you don't have to put up with it!

Wow, I would have loved an hour with my friends every day when my kids were babies. Or even now 😂. He is being inflexible on a lot of things, from reading your comments. Take back some control or you will be a slave to his whims and wishes.
6pm is a terrible time to go out for an hour and a half. If he insists, then you insist he makes dinner first, at least for you. If it doesn't taste right for him then he can make more for himself on his return.
If you want baby to sleep in his own room then put him in it. You must have a say in the decisions, don't let him dictate. Xx

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

not everyone puts such emphasis on “family meals” though. It’s doesn’t do a family any harm to eat separately on an evening sometimes. Can eat together on a weekend when have more time. The gym is so good for mental and physical health. So I’m not sure they do come first on the hierarchy of importance tbh.

Sympathies with you OP. Your DP has taken you for an absolute mug, the bastard. You need to reconsider your priorities. What about your life????

Sorry about the GIF. Don't know how to delete it. Who's the mug now? Haha

Well I’d be offended by someone who didn’t.

Whats the point in being married to eat a lonely tea every night?

Of course he can’t go to the gym every evening at 6pm on the dot because his friends go that time!

He is a husband, that in itself should have make him more willing to move things around for you.

He is a dad, that means he has no more choice in the matter as literally a tiny human depends on him. Not just you.

your husband is completely unreasonable and you shouldn’t be alone in this.

Sounds like you should both be devoting less time and energy to the gym and more to each other.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

there is a lot more to being married than just eating together each night! What if you yourself wanted to go to a gym class or out to see friends in the evening , would you say no cos it would mean you can’t eat same time as your spouse and they would be offended? Also being on your own sometimes doesn’t for most people make them feel lonely

@Fulmine

it doesn’t sound like OP is getting much gym time to reduce. You do know that going to the gym is good for both mental and physical health right?

I think you need to both work together on the food front, and he has to do his fair share of solo parenting so you can have some time too.

one of the things you both could do is to sort the food out, so you can eat when you’re hungry, you don’t have to think about it or do much in the heat of the witching hour.

Some food actually tastes better the next day, so things like curry or casserole/bolognese etc, cooking rice and freezing it is actually healthier as the carbs change in the cooling process so less of a spike in blood sugar when you’re eating pre cooked and cooled rice. Same for potatoes

so batch cook, make up containers with portions and freeze them. We’ve done this in the past and it’s worked brilliantly when we’re short on time/inspiration or if I’m travelling or something.

I do get your frustration and if you could ask him to push it back even 30mins it might help, but I get his perspective too. I train every day and love being with my friends when they’re booked in.

You say he resisted the food thing in the past, AND isn’t budging on gym time, so you can say that something has to give and it’s either his gym slot, or the food thing, you can’t wait until 8pm or later to eat, that is ridiculously late when you’ve been up all day on interrupted sleep.

Not every night. But no unrealistic a few times a week.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

i never eat in the week with my husband due to conflicting work schedules and the gym. I ain’t lonely tho

Maybe lonely is the wrong word. I just prefer eating with someone.

And in any case using sex as a bargaining tool is a terrible thing to do to your relationship!

This is the worst time of day to go out and completely unfair to you and as your child gets older, the child too. If hes in full time work, as the child gets into toddler age, drops naps etc you will find bed time is 7pm, 7.30pm. Whats he going to do, just never be there? Relationships with friends and time for yourself has to change when you have a child and hes not accepting this. Is he never going to be available for bedtimes? It might be best to suggest alternating initially but this would be ringing some bells for me. My husband has done an evening yoga class once a week that meant he missed bedtimes, but we alternate anyway, he goes running often early at weekends when my son and i are still in bed having a cuddle. It doesn't mean he can't do it, just needs to realise what's important. Im part time so most of my excersise is in the time I'm not at work and my child is out anyway. If I was in full time work we'd have to go early or alternate.

He’s being unreasonable of course, rush hour/s at home really need two people if in a relationship. Can’t he prep a meal say in the slow cooker/chop and fridge the night before? I’d start not cooking at all til he’s home, then dinner will be at 9pm and he’ll be hungry because he’s being selfish

He is being unreasonable. If he wouldn't discuss, I would be eating without him and then handing him the baby and going myself. Every day until he got the message .