Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

Does he even like you or want this baby?
He sounds horrible and unsupportive

Did you have anxiety before you became pregnant?

Do you go to the pregnancy unit a lot?

It’s good that the midwife has recommended you get more support with you MH. I have had depression in the past, so they kept a close eye on me but I was fine.

I did a few things on my own when PG .. my diabetic test, blood pressure monitoring, ante-natal etc. I never saw the point in both of us being there.

Oh nooo - another dud husband and he will also be a dud father. Sounds like he wanted a wife (but not to be a husband) and I bet he will be a shit dad too.

No, you are not wrong to be upset about his lack of care nor are you wrong to feel unsupported. You are not being supported.

He sounds unsupportive, however your reaction seems quite extreme, and I think they were right to refer you to mental health services for support.

Do you have a history of health anxiety?

Ffs, he's a waste of space who's not interested. Get rid, before he just turns into a crap father! He's showing you his colours, and waving red flags in your face!

I did a lot of appointments by myself during all three pregnancies but anything important or worrying and he dropped everything to come with me. He sounds awful I can’t get over him letting you go alone on Sunday evening. Did he not care? I can’t totally understand you being upset.

Why has he not been at any of your appointments? Is part of your fear that he’s pulling away and you expect he’ll leave you when the baby arrives? This is a real fear - it does happen regularly. You need to be honest with yourself, your family and friends and your midwife if you think that’s a possibility so they can all form a package of support for the first month (which, I have to be honest with you, is absolutely brutal even with partner support)

No history of health anxiety at all - quite the opposite I am usually very stoic

I have gone to all my appointments myself except 12 and 20 week scan.

TBH I feel less stressed about the pregnancy when it is just me and my cats

His behaviour was pretty shit. Of course he should have driven you there and waited with you. He doesn't sound very kind.

But I do slightly find myself wondering if your anxiety might be out of control, whether you might have made a lot of visits to this unit already, and whether he may have become slightly sceptical about any concerns because you have a tendency to get yourself into a panic about stuff? Even if that's the case, I still think he could deal with this more kindly.

When you say you were "hysterical", what does that actually mean?

I don’t think there is any need for you both to wait around in hospital, especially if you are going a lot. I would expect my husband to come immediately if I needed/asked him to though.
I don’t remember many husbands on the assessment ward when I went in as you just sit with a monitor on for ages.
I hope you feel better soon and you got some reassurance.

Very tearful mainly

OK. I'm not sure that I would describe "very tearful" as "hysterical" personally. Hysterical makes you sound a bit unhinged, but being tearful is pretty normal in the situation you describe.

How is the relationship generally?

There’s a big difference between going to a routine appointment on your own because you’re happy to, there are no known issues and you expect it to be uneventful, compared to going to appointments for reduced movements, spotting, UTI etc where there could be issues identified. As for asking if he “has to” come to the scan…. Well, why would he not want to?? For most couples it’s a shared experience to see your growing baby for the first time.

I can see why you got overwhelmed when the midwife asked about your partner. It’s a shame she can’t refer your partner for a kick up the bum to get his act together.

I think it’s normal to do a lot of appointments alone. Why would I need DH at my, say, booking in appointments? He came to the scans but that’s it. I didn’t attend for any non routine appts though and would’ve expected him to come to those, and to be more keen for the scans.

If he would prefer golfing to a scan, he’ll definitely prefer it to looking after an infant. And he’ll probably prefer bed to getting up in the night to provide care to the baby. Does he understand what his role will be once this baby is born?

He sounds unsupportive but it also sounds like you are very anxious. The referral seems like a good idea to try and get your anxiety levels down.

With the exception of emergency appointments, that's normal, no? I don't know anyone whose partner accompanied them to standard doctor's/midwife appointments in pregnancy. Not least because they're generally in the working day and only the pregnant woman has the right to paid time off for them.

It has been distant since the pregnancy - he became annoyed when I vomited on the carpet in first trimester and asked why I could not make the toilet (it transpired my hcg was 4 times level of normal on screening so I felt very sick) he also said I was being dramatic for wanting ice lollies one Sunday. We have slept in seperate beds since about 16 weeks as I kept getting up to pee and it was annoying him as he had to work next day (so do I). So I have just moved into spare room and spend my time in there listening to podcasts and relaxing. He did not put the heating on last night so had to ask him at 9pm as I was shivvering in the room.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

This suggests that you have had a lot of appointments already and your reaction isn’t a healthy or normal one.

Are you under the perinatal MH team or equivalent?

Did he want a child?I

Also why do you need to ask him to put on the heating.

Yes

I am after Sunday - they are contacting me this week

DH came to most of my appointments as we were lucky to be able to have them in the evening and the maternity unit was on the way home from work and we car shared. In fact, I had the issue that the midwife wanted to see me on my own for one appointment to ensure I wasn't in a controlling relationship (which I wasn't) so I had one appointment during the day when I had the day off. But if all the appointments had been in the day then it would just have been me going. I did have one non routine one and DH drove me to that one, wouldn't have wanted to me to go on my own and drive

How was the relationship before the pregnancy, OP? Was he caring, good with emotions/issues, looked after you if you were unwell, generally interested and engaged with you/your life?

I think so