Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

Maybe he didn't understand the implications. Maybe he thought the OP was being over-emotional.

Him missing appointments like blood tests is fine, perhaps a scan if he absolutely can’t get out of work. Making you drive 30 minutes by yourself to an appointment to check the baby is ok because of reduced movements - that is absolutely not ok and he sounds like a dickhead. Warning you now - he will be effing useless and no help when baby arrives. He doesn’t sound like he gives a shit. Good luck xxx

Was there a likelihood during those scans and anti-D jabs that you'd end up being induced?

He's an adult man. He should make it his business to understand these things. Men get away with doing so little sometimes, honestly.

Thank you. It was a long time ago now but I do remember how horrible it was at the time.

I wish you all the best for your current pregnancy.

There is a feminist I used to follow online who maintains that (in her view) a lot of postnatal depression is actually due to how may partners turn out to be completely shit once a child arrives. This seems to mirror her point.

I think this is extremely likely.

I'm a generally anxious person and was told by my midwife that I should be taking any reduced fetal movements much more seriously. I was induced early and luckily all was ok. Don't be deterred, better to get checked. It's not anxiety.

I don't think you have a mental health problem. You have a crap husband problem. He didn't even want to come to the scan? It doesn't sound like he a) wants the baby or b) cares much about you. Don't let anyone kid you this is all 'your' problem because you have 'mental health issues!'

So he was with you for you scans? He just wasn't with you when you went for a suspected UTI, or for spotting, or for what he will have heard as "just another thing"?

I went to those on my own as well. I wouldn't speak from a place of not having experienced it. I just think it is an incredibly sensitive time for a woman in a way that not all men understand without having it absolutely spelt out for them.
It isn't fair that the OP has to tell her partner how to be useful to her, but clearly she does need to, and I do hope he will pick it up and do better for her.

I mean, the fact you dont know so is maybe indicating to me that you are now realising in hindsight that there were issues before you got pregnant, does that sound right? You deserve to be confident that your partner loves and cares for you in their actions AND words. And your baby needs a father who can do that too.

I do not mind going to routine appointments myself - I quite prefer it in all honesty. These are very different to maternity assessment. Its the driving to there stressed out my lid whilst he lounges in bed that upsets me. I also organised private 3D scans to see baby as I was excited, I asked him to come but he was playing golf 🤣 I work full time as a professional so I am stressed with that too - it just seems its fine for me to be exhausted and working but if anything to do with my pregnancy upsets his sleep schedule he is not interested.

He seems to think the baby will be a sleep routine ASAP due to parenting. when I gently suggest babies are not robotic and they cannot have a circadian rhythm by 2 weeks old he seems to think I am talking nonsense. I got a couple of books to read about being a first time parent too and left them for him and he has not bothered obviously. I am terrified of what he thinks the reality of having a baby is.

Missing routine appointments, blood tests I understand. With my pregnancies I had to see the MW a lot more due to blood issues and he could not take time off for every appointment.

But reduced movements your husband should be there, should want to be there! Regardless of work, he could miss 1 nights sleep and still work the next day!!

Id be addressing why he felt it was ok to send you alone!

You need to sit down and have a conversation with him.

if write down how your a feeling and some of the specific examples that have made you feel unsupported so you don’t forget.

have a proper sit down and ask what’s going on with his behaviour. Why he acting like this especially if it is out of character. If it’s not out of character then let him know that he needs to step and his usual isn’t cutting it.

yes he is being shit and lazy and quite mean but he needs to be made aware and given the opportunity to to change before you make any bigger decisions.

Sorry, but honestly, men should get it.

It is not rocket science.

Even if a man has somehow missed the fact that a baby that stops moving might be in serious trouble - and I do see how he might have done; we all have to start learning somewhere - a decent partner's response is to think 'well, she seems really upset ... I'd better try to understand why, after all, she is, you know, carrying my child and all'.

It would then take him all of two minutes to do a quick google and think 'ah! This is actually a bit scary'.

Not hard.

There is a reason why abuse and shitty behaviour ramps up during pregnancy. You are extremely vulnerable, have too much on your plate, he is no longer the centre of your life.

It will get 100 times worse after you give birth.

I'd pack my bags and go.

I bloody bet you're terrified!

Have you done any antenatal classes yet, or do you have any couple friends with babies? It's really crap, but he might take being told the basics better if it comes from someone else/maybe from another man?

This is such an irresponsible thing to say.

Put them on both your phones and have equal control.

I agree with you. But this is the reality many of us deal with, and you can't really know how your partner will respond until you're already in it and at that point all you can really do is grit your teeth and educate him.

Not disagreeing with you at all there @Kizmet1!

No, in conjunction with being mean about you throwing up and irritated with other pregnancy stuff, this doesn't sound right. Choosing not to attend a reduced fetal movement appointment when you could have received devastating news (thankfully you didn't but he didn't know that) is beyond unsupportive.

Some of what you describe sounds borderline controlling. You're not wrong to note this behaviour.

Which part is irresponsible. They said what they would do not what OP should do and his behaviour is worsening.

Telling a vulnerable pregnant woman, whose husband is a bit shit, that it will only get worse and she should leave him now? Yes, I call that irresponsible.