Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

Do you have wider family support?

It sounds like the kindness of the midwife was the tipping point.
We've all been there - "don't be nice to me, I'll cry" when you just want to get through something or be strong or are afraid to give in to the tears or whatever.

No.
my sisters have barely checked in on me this pregnancy - my elder sister asked if I could drive 3 hours to me home time every other weekend to support a family member. I had to remind her I was 7 months pregnant. My younger sister is in another country.
I am no contact with my mother after an abusive childhood and my dad stays 3 hours away. I asked if he could come and help me when baby is here but he said he would not manage as he has to work.

I feel very very isolated

Yes I think this is what happened - I had been so strong up until that point but when she sat down beside me and asked me I had a partner at home I burst into tears and told her yes. I could tell from her face she could see how upset she was.

This. It’s not helpful minimizing or dismissing lack of concern or interest

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are not being unreasonable. You are pregnant, and want support and that is valid. Especially for reduced movements which is scary and could be devastating. For comparison my husband came to every one of my appointments in my first pregnancy because he wanted to, and I had extras because of gestational diabetes, and recently I had a miscarriage/potential ectopic and needed to go to EPU a few times for a scan and then blood tests to check my HCG came down and he came to every one of those as well. I know not everyone wants this, but it's also OK if you do and he should also want to prioritise your needs unless it's an urgent work thing.

As others say, he's in for a surprise re baby sleep and I am worried about his uncaring behaviour. I don't know how, but this needs addressing now because you do not want to be post-partum, with lack of sleep, and then getting blamed for baby not sleeping or not getting support overnight. Have you discussed how you will handle, shifts for dealing with baby overnight etc? I think if he won't engage, couples counselling might be an idea to have a productive conversation with a professional present.

Its hard to say this gently but this is how its going to be once the baby is born. he will expect you to deal with it all. if he isnt showing any real interest or support now then when the stress of the baby happens its not going to improve.

Sorry, but I think you need to sit down with him now and find out exactly what his expectations are of his parenting responsibilities because I would say that he is very selfish and thinks this is going to continue when you have the baby and it wont. how will he react when the baby pukes on the carpet, will he swan off to golf and leave you to it at weekends? if he cant cope with you getting up in the night for a pee what does he think a screaming baby is going to be like?

you need to get things straight now and things like the heating well thats just all kinds of wrong really isnt it.

you have to deal with this now, it cant wait until the baby arrives. I hope you get the help and support you need.

I think so is not a definite answer.

He is dire. My husband drops everything for me, the kids or the dogs everything and he puts us first. Yours is prioritising himself, golf and his sleep.

lose your shit calmly and tell him you aren’t an incubator and carrying his baby means the least he can do I look after you

I’m sorry op but no wonder you cracked. Pregnancy is hard and exhausting it also sounds like you haven’t had the most straight forward ride either. I would personally be expecting a lot more from my partner. I’d be concerned about how supportive he will be when the baby comes if he is like this just now. I honestly feel like you deserve better.

I had very complicated pregnancies and had a lot of appointments so went to most on my own but DH would never have wanted me to go alone for reduced fetal movements (which did happen a couple of times) or any significant scans. It is no wonder you were upset if you feel unsupported when worried.

My ex was like this with his last partner, he managed to hold it together with me until DC was born (I am very laid back so never asked much of him).

I am sad to say he never stepped up….until now when we’re going through divorce and he’s fighting for 50:50

I’m so sorry you are feeling isolated. You mentioned the MW MH team are going to be in touch. I hope that helps. Perhaps join the NCT, you will get a good share of perfect pregnancy women but there will be plenty who are also struggling.

I hope everything is ok with the baby and you xx

Lots of red flags here, OP. Some are bigger than others, but enough to start to worry about where this lack of consideration from your partner may be headed. YANBU in the slightest to think your partner should be more supportive during what is a huge time in your life! I'm not saying he should wait on you hand and foot and treat you like glass, but honestly, he should at least be actively caring and interested in your (and your baby's) well-being.

Do you have a good idea of what kind of dad he will be? Will he be helping you during the nights? Will he cope with all the mess (including vomit, poop, snot) that inevitably comes with a child? Does he have the emotional capacity to really connect with a baby (and you)? Or is he expecting you to manage it all once bubs arrives? Parenthood is ideally a team sport, but if you think that he's only going to add to your stress levels, then you might want to start thinking more deeply about what you want the next few years to look like and communicating clearly what your expectations of family life are.

He already sounds a useless father. I would be genuinely concerned about his reaction to you throwing up or his sleep being disturbed. You deserve better!

My DH didn’t come to most of my routine appointments with my three pregnancies but he wanted to be there for every scan and non-routine appointment. I knew he fully supported me and he would message me constantly for updates if he couldn’t physically be there. He never would have prioritised golf over a scan!

Mine is like this. In 2 pregnancies he has been to two scans. Both pregnancies have been high risk and I've had about 20 scans total if not a few more. I've been told horrible possibilities by consultants, reduced movement monitoring, scans that have been very small babies, and failing placentas, always on my own. It sucks. It doesn't get better. There's excuses and you can buy into it to save face but it just carries on into childhood where you're the one doing 100% of the appointments, schooling, parents evenings etc etc.

Just think carefully if you want this to be your life. I wouldn't do it this way again if I had a choice.

Don’t listen to anyone who says you are being extreme. You absolutely are not. How dare anyone on here come and tell a pregnant woman how she should feel.

Feeling physically and emotionally supported by your husband is a basic human need. I went the majority of my pre-natal appointments alone - think the medical check-ups like blood pressure, diabetes etc - but when it came to scans, and a scare we had with the baby’s heartbeat, my husband was with me. So no… you are not being unreasonable. Lean into any help you are offered and good luck x

Sadly this is a common pattern of behaviour for shitty, selfish, useless men. They pretend to be caring and attentive at the beginning of the relationship to get the woman committed. Once their partner is pregnant, they stop putting the effort in because they know she’s unlikely to leave them so they don’t need to bother any more. This is when you see their true colours.

OP, you are not crazy or unreasonable. Your partner is sending a very clear message that he values his own comfort and convenience more than your emotional wellbeing. Sadly this is his true self and it’s likely to get worse after the baby arrives.

I went to all but my scans and one fetal growth check where I was measuring small on my own - including a reduced movement check with my first at 9 days overdue and what turned out to be the day before she was born - but the difference is it was my choice and DH would have absolutely come if I'd asked him to. I was going to say he sounds a bit oblivious.

But this update is absolutely awful and demonstrates what an absolute bastard he is. I had horrible sickness with DD1 - one day we were having chinese takeaway, DH handed me mine - as soon as I took the first mouthful, I threw up, right into my bowl. DH calmly put his dinner down, took my bowl away and helped me get cleaned up and got me something else to eat.

He always made sure I was comfortable and if I woke him up in the night, he would be more concerned if I was OK than that I'd woken him up (and that is still the case now).

How was the relationship before the pregnancy? Was the baby planned?

Either he is showing you what he is really like (although there would likely have been signs of his dickishness before), or he is just absolutely terrified at becoming and dad and is demonstrating that really badly.

It might be worth seeing if the midwife will do a home visit when he is there and have a chat with him to help figure out which one it is!

I feel for you, OP. I have some questions which may help you understand if he valued you and the relationship before you were pregnant.

1. As the heating controls are on his phone, was he happy to adjust the heating when you asked? And could you have the heating on your phone?
2. When he bought you presents, did he get you what you asked for or wanted? Did he put thought and/or money into the presents ?
3. When you made a comment about something, for example, wow, look at this bird in the garden, or Ive just seen this amazing story on the news, did he respond enthusiastically most of the time and come and see the bird or ask about the news?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you had a strong collaborative relationship where he valued you. And I don't understand why he's being this way except maybe he doesn't understand how difficult it can be to have a baby.

If you hesitated or qualified your answers or said no, then these are signs he doesn't value you and honestly you might be better off alone. Sending love. 💐

What's your financial position? Are you able to 'buy in' extra support as needed?

For Me a couple of things you’ve said have given me reason to think it’s possible you are being hysterical and it’s slight hypochondria, you’ve stated you’ve been in already for ‘various things’ and you are usually ‘quite upset’ and that you were hysterical on Sunday evening at the hospital, this does sound like you might be frequently having these dramatic dashing to the hospital occasions and like he’s experiencing a little bit of you crying wolf, he was possibly thinking ‘all will be fine again like every other time only il have been awake all night then have to go into work exhausted’
It’s absolutely normal for many ladies to go to the routine anti natal apps alone except the scans as there is nothing to see or hear they just do paperwork and wellness checks. My husband also only came to my scans as he was at work for the rest of them and there was no need or reason for him to come, in fact it would’ve looked and felt odd if he had I think.

Oh you poor thing. This is awful. Really, really abysmal and neglectful. It's no wonder your mental health is affected. You had to drive yourself there and for all you knew you could have received some very bad news. Alone!

What is this fucker even for? What kind of pathetic excuse for a man is he?
I'd be packing my bags.

You do sound very isolated, I think I would be very tearful too given how rubbish you’ve felt with sickness, reduced movements etc
My DH came to scans with me, when I had to have injections and quite a few of my scheduled appointments because he genuinely wanted to be involved. He attended as many for the third baby as he did for the first.
I would see if you can find any antenatal classes, my SIL went to a really nice one and they met up weekly even after their babies arrived.

Quite. Heating can be altered manually, regardless of phone apps. There seems to be a lot of drama here.

I would download the heating app onto your phone too. It honestly sounds to me like he is quite controlling and unpleasant. I would be looking to leave-I don’t think your situation will improve when a child comes along.