Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

I don’t see the relevance. You were happy to go alone.

OP was not and her child’s father was completely unsupportive in what could have been a serious situation.

Odd, did you say he wanted to be a father?
❤️

How old us thus idiot ? I think you you’ll have to tell him. “Wanting a family, pregnancy & having a baby, is more than participating in active sex.
Vomitting, health issues, including potential death of mother/or baby, are also part if it. Potential Emotional roller coasters come with hormones.
Much of this is out of his, or your, control. But one thing that he can control, is empathy, kindness & support.
This includes sitting with you in a waiting room while you are afraid you are losing a living being growing inside you.
IF he no longer gives a shit about this very real “problem” that will soon be living in your house with you, then NOW is the time to bail out. He has proven to be a failure as partner, husband & as a potential father its not looking promising ”
Do not cry, tell him & mean it.

Yanbu to want more support. I'd expect partners to attend appointments for reduced movements in case of bad news. And to say no 'in case you get kept in...' surely if you were being kept in it would be because there was something quite worrying, and its concerning he didn't want to support you with that. I struggled in pregnancy and whilst my husband was supportive physically etc he clearly didn't get it, but he dropped everything and came to the hospital one day with me when I had reduced movements and a bit of bleeding, because it was stressful and upsetting.

I also think it's shit that he didn't come to the scans. I went to one on my own - husband offered to come but would have meant he had to re arrange a work trip, so I said I was fine to go by myself in case there was a lot of waiting (and i genuinely was, i was a bit in denial at that point). But the 'do I have to come' question indicates that he'd only be coming if you made him rather than a. Taking an interest in the baby / showing any excitement at seeing it on screen the first time and b. making an adult decision himself that his wife might need support if the scans flagged something worrying (I know a few people who had a missed miscarriage flagged at 12 week scan). And getting annoyed that you were sick on the floor or wake him up shows a general lack of care about you or empathy for what you're going through.

I'd be sitting him down and telling him his behaviour is not good enough. If he acts like he doesn't care and forces you to feel like you're doing it all alone for long enough then it will end up a self fulfilling prophecy

not coming to routine appointments is fine - the majority of partners only come to the scans and do not attend the ordinary midwife appointments, but not coming to MAU when you have concerns is not on, and his general behaviour seems utterly rubbish.

There's a difference between wanting to be a father, and understanding what it means to actually parent a baby and child.

I am worried about his very unrealistic expectations already, his lack of care and respect for you whilst pregnant and his disinterest in the pregnancy.

Do you have any other family support for when the baby arrives @Sanpellegrino1 ? I would look into contingency plans if it turns out that your partner is as unkeen to parent as he seems likely to be.

Good grief, you poor woman. FTM and your partner is showing his true colours and, sadly, they are not good. He’s being an unsupportive shit quite honestly. I hope I’m wrong when I say this doesn’t bode well for his behaviour as a father. Unfortunately, even if he turns into father of the year, this is going to taint your relationship as you will remember how shit he was. I really hope he turns it round and starts at least appearing to give a shit. I’d be reading him the fucking riot act op. He needs to understand how it’s coming across and how unsupported you feel.

What's irresponsible is the way you appear to have been trying to explain/justify his behaviour, over several posts now.

Your bar for men is in hell.

I guess you are of the opinion women should simply learn to parent their partners.

I think there is a difference between attending a routine check up alone due to partners work commitments and an appt for being concerned about an issue that could be serious.
Your DH sounds not to understand or care about you or this pregnancy and that must be very painful and im so sorry ...
Next time you have an appt that your feel concerned about for any reason,insist he attends(barring illness or acts of god!) if he declines you will at least know you are on your own ....

It won't necessarily happen, but just want to say in case you are unaware, often the first instance of domestic violence happens after a baby is born, when the relationship may have seemed fine before. It's a document phenomenon that pregnancy/baby can trigger it

In case this does happen, I'd do some research. Eg. Have you got a support person, somewhere to go, the number of a women's shelter, etc. Hopefully he gets his act together but does sound like a few red flags, so I'd say if you prepare yourself now because if it does get worse you'll be glad to have the info you need.

Also don't dismiss yourself and.gasligjt yourself with it being 'just hormones'. Maybe your instincts are to protect yourself and your baby. I'd say trust your instincts as even if it's not abuse, he still sounds like a dickhead and he needs to step up.

But it WILL get worse. Pregnancy is the happy, easy bit (and I had a rough pregnancy).

Once she's recovering from birth, bleeding, exhausted, baby wakes every hour, she's struggling to breastfeed a vulnerable needy baby, his uncaring behaviour will have an even bigger impact and she will not have the mental or physical strength to pack her bags and go.

He has shown who he is. She needs to take a hard look at the facts and make a decision now before her life gets 100 times harder.

She did not tell her to leave him.

And his behaviour IS worsening. The posts make that clear. OP has made clear he was more supporting and engaged and interested pre pregnancy. Now he gets angry at her not being able to make the toilet to throw up and prioritises his golf game and sleep over providing emotional support for his as you say “vulnerable pregnant wife”

That’s demonstrably worsening behaviour.

I wouldn’t expect DH attend apart from the 12,20 week scan and also if I had reduced movements etc he came with me without a second thought. Might be different this time round as we now have a toddler at home. I wouldn’t expect DH to come for issues like spotting or possible uti or to my midwife appointments but would be upset if he would rather sleep than come with me during reduced fetal movements.

How can he not worry about his baby like that

I notice that some people enjoy sticking in the knife when weakness is detected, how abhorrent people can be. OP, I recommend making a post in a different category, you don’t need to defend yourself.

Well, he’s going to have a rude awakening about his sleep! My twins both slept through from 5 months and l know we were very lucky. I have mum friends who have 2 year olds+ who still don’t sleep through

You aren’t being unreasonable. He needs to step up and stop being so selfish

I'm going to put this out here, because I see so many threads on here where pregnant/postpartum/mums of toddlers and older kids have got absolute shits as partners or husbands. Women need to have long, serious conversations with these men before they TTC. They need to put in front of them the reality of pregnancy but especially,t he realities of parenthood. Because too many of these men just do not get it. And if, after doing that, they were asked the question, "Are you going to step up and share this parenting job equally? Say now if you aren't completely happy and enthusiastic about it", there might just be fewer of these situations.

Mind, I'd be re-writing the SRE curriculum in secondary schools NOW to lay it all on with a feckin' TROWEL for the boys especially. Parenting classes - that's what they need.

Nobody has told the OP what she should do. That's her decision.

People have said what they would do in her situation.

I would say that her partner's behaviour now is a realistic predictor of what his behaviour is likely to be further down the line. It is for the OP to decide what she is and isn't willing to tolerate.

Pregnant women are allowed to have standards.

I don't think it is, the man sounds like an abusive piece of shit.

Please stop being so polite and accommodating of him. Tell him it’s not good enough, tell him to go to the spare room if he doesn’t like you getting up, tell him that he needs to grow up.

you are being far too passive. The shit will hit the fan when the baby comes. He will expect you to do everything and to do it in such a way that his life is not inconvenienced. He’s behaving like a spoilt man child and you are letting him.

Why are women expected to know that reduced foetal movement is something to worry about but men get a pass on that because they are men? If same sex couple and the pregnant partner was concerned would her partner get away with being useless or do some people just accept a low bar for men. Why are some posters trying to justify his behaviour?

I can’t believe your DH didn’t come with you for reduced movements, OP. That is quite frankly shit of him. From your other posts he doesn’t sound supportive of you during the pregnancy.

When I had possible PROM at 28 weeks you bet my DP drove me to hospital - where else would he be??

Concerning he thinks you can somehow control a newborn’s sleep and feeding patterns, presumably for his convenience.

Do you have supportive family and friends nearby? I’d be having a serious talk to DH about your needs / expectations!

You are about to be home.a.lot

Download it.
My dh and I both have hive on our phones.

Everyone can turn on the heating.

This makes me so sad for you @Sanpellegrino1 and it isn’t normal or acceptable.

My DH has been at every appointment bar one and even today he asked if I wanted him to stay off work to look after me as I’d had a rough night sleeping with backache.

I’m sorry you’re not being supported.

Only read OP's posts.
I am so sorry you have had such little support from your husband.
Mine (now ex) was like that. I'd style it out as 'oh, I've come straight from work' or 'he's with our older son', or 'I'm fine alone'. I do come across and independent and capable.
I now know that my lovely GP was fully aware I was in an abusive marriage. I had A LOT of visits from the midwife and then the HV (son is nearly 17 and I know things have changed in terms of home visits).

Things often escalate or become more apparent during pregnancy and health professional are alert to the signs.

Take the support offered OP, they only have yours and your babies interest and safety at heart.