Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

There are lots of posters on Mumsnet who love nothing more than putting the boot into a vulnerable OP.

You aren't over-reacting at all. He has been unkind and uncaring throughout your pregnancy and his declaration that the baby will be in a sleep routine by two weeks old is both ridiculous and very concerning.

Please open up to your midwives so that they know the full extent of your husband's cruelty and indifference and his completely unreasonable expectations of a new born baby in relation to sleep.

You will need extra support from professionals as you will be receiving no support from either your husband or your wider family.

Well that’s kind of the point. As part of their job they need to check you have support. The HV asked in a poor manner but your answer (that you’ve just moved to the area and haven’t made friends yet) shouldn’t have made you question your relationship, you should have confidently been able to explain.
With the bus thing, maybe at the point of being asked it does make some women acknowledge that actually yeah….I did want my partner to come with me.

I don’t understand why some posters are replying with “well I did it all alone” and then going on to be supportive of OP.
You don’t need to say it. You can support OP without saying it. It’s rather patronising IMO.

Letting her know that it’s normal practice for partners not to attend routine antenatal appointments is not patronising when her concern is partly that her partner did not attend routine antenatal appointments 🙄

I think there’s a good point in HVs asking questions that can make us a bit defensive but are coming from a good place that focuses on mum and baby. I’d a HV who thought our house was freezing and said sternly to DH he should buy or borrow a plug-in heater - and she was dead right, the landlord was dallying over fixing the boiler, and I was worrying about the heating bills, but sometimes it takes someone else to point things out.

It’s normal to want support, especially during pregnancy. Your feelings of isolation and anxiety are valid, and it’s great that you’re getting support from the midwife. Hormones may intensify emotions, but your needs are important.

Sometimes it's not possible and you do have to adjust your expectations with reality. I don't need to tell anyone anything about what I choose to do in my personal time it was none of her business. Ops husband has to work and save have you seen the price of formula milk. When I had my children I could buy it for under a tenner now you're spending between 10 and 15 pounds a week. Some first time mothers do go through a period of shock that it's no longer about them and their life has to be worked around this tiny human being that needs love, warmth, clothing and feeding. All of that requires money.

I'm so sorry. This isn't hormones, he's awful. It was stressful and neither of you know what would be said at the hospital - he's right they could have kept you in, they could have needed you to have baby urgently, and he wouldn't have been there. You deserve better support. I hope the support the midwife has lined up helps.

Today's generation don't want to work. I think it's an indictment on today's generation of new parents if the midwife is asking where her husband is. Are most parents relying on the state to raise and pay for their children someone needs to go to work. Any man that walks with a pram in the week is not earning no money to bring up that child.

You're being utterly ridiculous! It's not the 1950s. The man walking with a pram during the week is most likely either on paternity leave or annual leave. Or he could work shifts so is available during the day.

And saying that today's generation don't want to work is such a facile and sweeping statement. The midwife was asking OP where her husband was because she was attending the hospital for a pregnancy related complication that could have a tragic outcome. Plus, it was a Sunday so he wasn't even at work when he refused to drive her to the appointment.

Why do posters like you always need to shoehorn their right-wing grievances into posts in this inappropriate and judgemental way?

OP says "I do not mind going to routine appointments myself - I quite prefer it in all honesty."

It's worse than the 1950's when we left Europe we were heading back to those hard times. Food has gone up. Taxes has gone up. Council tax has gone up. Soon they will be charging us for the air we breath. The amount of money that is paid out to the state sector is phenomenal and it's still a sub standard service we receive. We have no ambition we like mediocre and living it rough. I like my standard of living and don't wish to downgrade and use the 1950's as an excuse for living it rough and pretend to be modern so my partner can push the pram.

Get them on yours to?

"Why do posters like you always need to shoehorn their right-wing grievances into posts in this inappropriate and judgemental way?"

When you get old and need a pension to look after you and your young are not working to put back into that pot that provides for you later on. Ask yourself then why is life so shit and good food is expensive. See how judgemental you become when the system fucks about with you.

Any man that walks with a pram in the week is not earning no money to bring up that child.

Your ridiculous double negative is actually true. Just because a man is pushing a pram in the week, doesn’t mean he’s not earning. There are any number of reasons a man might be able to push a pram in the week. A day off? Shift worker? Paternity leave? On a break from working from home?
Your knowledge of modern parenting is laughable.

Don’t be so silly!

Or do you expect to not have a paramedic, A&E visit, fire put out, car towed etc ….. at the weekends, because all these male people only work during the week and they’re ok to do parental duties at the weekends?

This generation? What a load of twaddle 😆

All that is irrelevant to OP's post. She is a scared mum-to-be with an indifferent (at best) or abusive (at worst) husband who shows no interest in her pregnancy and leaves her to drive herself to hospital when her baby has stopped moving.

Your post is utter gibberish and full of right-wing conspiracy theories. You have piggy-backed this rant onto the thread posted by an anxious pregnant woman with an unsupportive partner. I don't think that is fair.

Plus, it's clear from her posts that both OP and her DH work full time.

To you it is to us it isn't and a lot of people I know. Modern parenting in this country is how you describe it. It's given to them so why strive for more.

Actually, I am a pensioner and my adult children have all been in full-time professional jobs since they left University. I worked full-time in Higher Education for many years and am in receipt of a state and occupational pension.

Why do you assume that people that don't agree with you are feckless and work-shy?

Absolutely no idea what you’re banging on about. What is given to whom? Op and her husband both work full time. Op went to hospital on a Sunday evening when her husband wasn’t working. Please try and stick with the topic at hand, rather than your very old fashioned nonsense.

@SwingTheMonkey l thought it was just me -l couldn’t make head or tail of what they said

Yawn

@ByWisePanda
Are currently younger men not expected to be by their partner’s side if they attend a maternity assessment unit with lowered foetal movements on a Sunday evening? Are they expected to be there if their partner is told the baby has died in utero?
Is that work-shy?
Both my husband and I worked full time when on Sunday 22 December I attended a maternity delivery suite with extremely pain and absent movements and were told our baby was dead.
No pram pushing for either of us.
Your post is revolting.

OP - is your DH an only child or does he have siblings you are in contact with?
Does he have a group of friends or does he spend all his free time golfing?
Golfing can be social but it's also possible to spend hours alone.
Just trying to see if he is a bit of a loner or on the spectrum.

My partner was unsupportive during my last pregnancy I went to the hospital with reduce movement and severe pain and he complained he was uncomfortable on the chairs waiting around a then fell asleep in the waiting room. People were staring at me and were disgusted with his behaviour. He sat on his phone watching football while I was having examinations etc. and I had a massive medical emergency where my life and baby’s life was in danger and he made me feel so bad about being in the hospital I discharged myself. He actually woke me up at 11pm at night when the nurse came round to see if I still wanted to discharged to tell me that we could go home now.

he wasn’t any help during PP either I’ve done it all on my own. The perinatal mental health team were brilliant with me they put all sorts of things in place for me to support me and the staff at the hospital were great too. They actually noted it down as possible mental abusive relationship and checked in with me multiple times.

thankfully he’s been a bit better during my last pregnancy. But I’d definitely talk to the perinatal mental health team and get a plan into place. If you can get someone else to support you with your hospital visits I’m pretty sure that if you need someone with you you could ask for a chaperone or even ask if another nurse or midwife will hold your hand during bloods or exams I had a lovely nurse who held key hand when I was alone in the hospital for bloods and also catheters etc.
im so sorry you’re going through this especially at a time where you’re at your most vulnerable. Your hubby needs to grow up because life is about to change drastically and he’s not going to know what had hit him when the baby arrives. Also if he’s lazy at the hospital they’ll put him in his place he’s the to help you not for a relaxing break.