Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

@Sanpellegrino1 I am sorry this is not looking good. Some men's behaviour gets awful during pregnancy, hence the reason my midwife wanted to see me on my own at least once to ensure there weren't any problems.

If he can't cope with you being pregnant he isn't going to be supportive when the baby arrives. Do you have other support network?

I hate to say it, OP, but none of this bodes well.

You said above that you would be less stressed if it were just you and your cats.

Perhaps you should be seriously considering what this man is adding to your life, and whether you might not be better off going it alone? And perhaps you already know that deep down, and that's why the midwife's question about your partner provoked such a strong response?

It's scary during pregnancy to contemplate the prospect of doing it all on your own, but if he can't/won't support you now - when you need it the most - then I have to wonder what you're getting out of the relationship.

I hope that you're ok.

Ah ok. Why do you need him to turn on the heating?

He sounds unsupportive OP, as others have said going to routine appointments where you're happy to go alone is one thing but I cannot imagine my DP not wanting to be there for a scan or for something I was worried about there's no way on earth he'd send me on my own regardless of whether I was being over anxious or not. I'm not surprised you feel unsupported, I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly 💐

Abuse often starts in pregnancy.

I'm not saying things abuse but he has markedly checked out of the relationship and he hasn't even checked in to being a dad.

He's selfish and he is unlikely to change and you need to plan around that as you see fit.

You probably dont want to think about ending the relationship yet but I'd plan for someone else to be at the birth and support you afterwards. I'd also rethink how you think maternity leave is going to go vs how you'd expected it to.

He is going to let you down and you need to plan for that.

Sorry he's such a dickhead and unfit to be a father.

I had a couple of trips for reduced movements (she always turned into disco baby the second she was being monitored, apart from one scary moment she moved right off and the monitor picked up nothing!) that I took myself to. However we are 5 mins from hospital and DH would hsve been there quick as a flash.

Couple of things.

1 - You are likely picking up on the fact you have an unsupportive dick husband who is not going to be there for you or the baby because he would rather work/ sees it as a chore / rather play golf. This is, understandably, giving you anxiety.

2 - And this is important. Do not let this fact that you are anxious, and that they are referring you for help, put you off going back in for any further instances of reduction in movements. These are completely separate issues, do not feel like it's anxiety and you're wasting their time, or that DH might be huffing and puffing. You go in, EVERY time.

As it stands, he probably can't wait for you to go on maternity and be his servant.

Wowzas! Your husband is a loser. Sorry to be so blunt but this is not normal. My husband WANTS to be at every single appointment even if it means missing work / losing money.

When I was suffering with morning sickness DH took over the cooking and was desperately trying to find food that I could tolerate, as I tended to start vomiting as soon as I could smell food. That is what a supportive husband should do, not complain that you have been sick

I imagine he was like this before you got pregnant though?

I attended a Post natal depression support group and genuinely about half the women there had shit uninvolved husbands like yours who left the mother to do everything and didn't support her practically or emotionally. My diagnosis at the time was they wouldn't have had depression without the shit husband. Look after yourself and consider your future.

Sorry to repeat questions already asked, but do you have access to the heating controls?

May I ask does he have an ex with whom he already has children? That may be why for him it isn't new or special (even though it should be and he would still be acting like a dick).

@omggggggg it is possible he wasn't, as it is known fact that some men can become abusive. It is also possible he was quite selfish beforehand but it wasn't so noticeable if OP never had medical reasons etc where she needed his undivided support

Do people talking about how they went to appointments alone actually get what an appointment for reduced fetal movements is about?

This is not like a routine midwife check-up.

What you are worried about with reduced fetal movement is that the baby is in trouble and might not survive/might need to be delivered. Of course that's a worst case scenario and of course it's wonderful that didn't happen in the OP's case, but it is definitely a situation where, if you ask your partner to come with you, they ought to come.

He did not put the heating on last night so had to ask him at 9pm as I was shivvering in the room.

What on earth? 🚩🚩🚩

he became annoyed when I vomited on the carpet in first trimester and asked why I could not make the toilet

So not just a dick husband, a total dick husband. And you think you need to ask to turn on the heating!! You poor thing, no wonder you're anxious. You've tried to be stoic and carry on but I think the closer the birth gets the more you realise what a shit situation you're in with him

He doesn't sound particularly nurturing or caring but equally you sound quite dramatic. Hysterical because the midwife asked a question.

I did all my apts alone apart from the 2 scans I think. That's not unusual.

If you were cold, why didn't you put the heating on?

He has the controls on his phone app

Can you have the controls on your phone, especially when you are going to be home on maternity leave @Sanpellegrino1

Yes, I was 95% sure I was having a miscarriage and went to that scan on my own. I was right.

Sounds like OP has also had a lot of extra appointments.

@RabbitsEatPancakes did you have a reduced movement appointment, or similar potential scenario appointment?

How is he going to cope with a baby disturbing his sleep?

I’m sorry your husband doesn’t come across as supportive. Whilst it’s normal to go for routine appointments yourself, it’s not unreasonable to expect your husband to come to scan appointments. He definitely should have come with you for something potentially problematic like reduced movement. Work or no work my husband would have taken me there.
it might not be easy but I think you need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him exactly how you’re feeling and how he needs to be supporting you. His response will give you an indication of where you stand going forward. I do hope he steps up to the mark

But he turned it on as soon as you asked?

You seem to be chasing drama here.