Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

[Sanpellegrino1]

I want to ask if I AIBU / hormonal?

FTM pregnant 30 weeks - reduced fetal
movement on Sunday evening; I was very upset and have barely slept with pregnancy insomnia past several weeks. Told my husband and he did not come with me as said ‘I might be kept in’ and he was working the next day. Thank God everything was OK. I got home at 2am. He did not have work until the afternoon the next day so he could have come with me or driven me there.

Anyway when I arrived at maternity assessment the MW asked if I had a partner as every time I have attended I have been on my own (various things, spotting, UTI etc). I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset). I was quite hysterical at her asking this and the situation and could not stop crying in maternity assessment.

I feel very unsupported and isolated, I am
not sure if this is pregnancy hormones.

For my first scan he was on a golf trip and had to drive back for the morning but he asked if he ‘had to come’.

I am started to feel the reason I have such high levels of anxiety during pregnancy is the fact I feel very unsupported but I wanted to ask AIBU to see if it could just me being unreasonable with high expectations.

The midwife looked very worried about me and has referred me to perinatal mental health as a matter of urgency.

@RabbitsEatPancakes did your partner not want to be with you, did you not want your partner with you?

It's not your mental health that's problematic so much as having a useless husband. If his attitude became a little kinder and more supportive, I don't doubt that your mental health would improve immediately.

YANBU - he's a selfish twat and very understandably, you are upset with being so unsupported at a vulnerable time.

I think his attitude is the problem. I've been to plenty of appointments on my own, even ones involving spotting and reduced movements because I didn't mind going alone and it was more practical but if I ever I wanted my husband there he would be. Going to your first scan is a basic one! All partners should be at the first scan! I'm not surprised you feel unsupported with the attitude he has.

Urmmmmmm wtf. Even if he had work at 7am he should be driving you there and staying with you. He is a disgrace

You can download it too, both DH and I have the same app linked to the heating. Do it now and if he doesn't like it tell him to fuck off.

I'd wager the more you tell him to fuck off, and the more he realises you aren't going to be an obedient little mummy/cleaner/wifebot while he criticises you then fucks off to golf, the better you'll actually feel!

The OP said she was "hysterical" but she has since clarified that she was using this word to mean "very tearful".

Given that she was there because she was worried about reduced movement and she was feeling unsupported by her crappy partner, I don't think being very tearful in that situation is particularly unusual.

It wasn't just a normal appointment so you attending those without your partner is pretty irrelevant. The OP was concerned that there was something going wrong. It is perfectly normal and not needy to want to be supported in those circumstances.

Yes I was expecting that he hadn’t been to anything, but he has been to the two main scans.

For my first pregnancy my DH came with me to every single appointment. In retrospect, it was overkill, and he should have stayed at work.

Subsequent times (DC2, miscarriages etc) I’ve done 90% of everything on my own. He didn’t need to be there and often he had DC1 to look after anyway. It certainly didn’t mean he didn’t care.

Do you go to the pregnancy unit a lot?

Ignore this. If you feel you need to go then you go without feeling you need to justify anything. A woman in the bay opposite me had been told she lost her baby and was having the next steps explained to her. It was obviously distressing for her and distressing to hear, the midwife assisting me said we would rather someone came everyday then risk missing something.

It doesn’t sound like he is invested in this pregnancy. Even if he initially said he wanted it, he is now doing everything to show you he is detached from it. He is also being unsupportive and very cold and uncaring to you as his DW. I would be sitting him down and saying if he doesn’t step up or show his care I’d be continuing the pregnancy alone (with your cats)

He was working and him being there would have made no material difference. I knew I'd probably need his support more in the following few days rather than at the hospital. And if it all turned out to be nothing then he have to catch up still.

There's a limit to how much work you can expect someone to miss for appointments and potential issues on top of scans. I also wanted to save his works goodwill for once baby was there if all was well.

It’s not pregnancy hormones. You’re having a baby with a shitty man

I had a miscarriage when my DH was on the other side of the world. I coped alone because I had to, but I would have liked to have had him there for support and he would have wanted to be there. In fact, he did offer to try and fly over in order to be with me, but it was too complicated as he would have needed a visa etc, so I said no.

The OP's situation was different. She didn't have to cope alone because her partner could have accompanied her quite easily. He chose not to because he didn't want to compromise on his sleep.

You might find that acceptable behaviour. Personally, I think it's pretty shit and I wouldn't want to tolerate it.

Correction

Youre having a baby with a controlling, abusive man

My DH came to scans & that was all.

I don't see what difference it made if he was there or not.

He is an amazing dad to our kids... regardless if he was at appointments or not!

I was asked by midwives where he was but they agreed they sometimes with the dad there its more stressful or there isnt any point in him there!

I think my tearfulness on Sunday was just built up anxiety / disappoinment etc and the MW perhaps realising there was something not right with my relationship.

Dear OP, I think you need to talk to him about it. A lot of posters, like myself, went to appointments and checks on their own quite willingly, so going alone is not unusual and to an extent I can see why he doesn't feel needed.

But if you don't want to go alone and if you are feeling unsupported, you need to communicate that. Perhaps acknowledge that the issue is your own, that no he doesn't need to be there, but that you would really like his help as you feel vulnerable and frightened and do not want to go to appointments without him.

I hope he is the sort of person who will see that as the fair request that it is. Good luck OP. Wishing you and little one and happy and healthy pregnancy and arrival. Xx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Everyone is different - I'm pregnant; I have a ton of appointments because I'm 41 with a history of miscarriages (and I say this because I doubt the OP is having multiple appointments for the fun of it, right?). I personally didn't want someone to come with me when I started bleeding and needed to go for a scan, and that's me.

But I think if, at 30 weeks, someone is going in to be checked for reduced movement, it is horrible of their partner to be dismissive.

Quite different if the OP had said 'you know, I'll go to this one on my own, no sense you sitting around'.

But she didn't.

Well get them on yours today, it’s very simple and you won’t need to rely on or ask him.

I was in the assessment unit a lot - complicated pregnancy with reduced movements, pre-eclampsia etc. My husband came with me whenever I asked him to, which was frequently.

Your husband sounds shit tbh, wtf is he playing at?

Please ignore the dismissive posts here, it's perfectly reasonable to want your husband with you for appointments, especially 'irregular' ones. You are perfectly justified seeking medical care for reduced movements, spotting and a UTI. Some pregnancies just have more 'blips' like that.

Not surprised you are upset. A major risk factor for perinatal mental health issues is not having enough support from those around you.

so sorry OP, you're not being unreasonable at all. he should 100% have been there to support you and I don't understand his logic of not wanting to go in case they kept you in, surely that's more of a reason to go with you, to take away the car or to bring you anything you needed, he would still have been able to go home to sleep

You said that so much better than I did.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think having reduced fetal movements is just a bit different to having your blood pressure etc done.

Why would he not want to be with you both to support you and out of concern for his unborn baby? There were times when I had to pop in for concerns like this when my husband was working and couldn't get to me quickly, but he was always deeply concerned and made it to the hospital as soon as he could. I'm not sure why he is being so unkind to you but having a newborn baby is a very difficult and vulnerable time where you will need a lot of love and support so if you are worried now, it's only going to get worse. Have you had a conversation with him and explained how alone and unsupported you feel?

Going alone to routine appointments is fine. An emergency appointment due to reduced foetal movements is different. OP's anxiety would have been off the charts but her husband wasn't bothered at all, either about his unborn child or his wife.

DH couldn't come to any of my scans, or my CVS, because he had to work. None of my Anti-D jabs either. I didn't get in a fuss about it, it was just the way it was.

He has been a brilliant father.